For about 6 months, my 3.5 year old daughter has been pretending on and off that she's a boy. Never worried me, seemed completely normal. She's always been a bit of a tomboy and her best friends are boys. But in the last couple of weeks she's become more and more insistent that she IS a boy. She tells me "I'm not a girl anymore, I'm a boy" and told me she has a penis (she has a little brother and so had already asked what that was!)
Do any other mums have experience with this? I'd love to know how you parented your daughter in this situation. I'm certain, at 3 years old, that it's not a gender identity thing. She doesn't even fully understand gender yet. What I'm worried about is that at her childcare and elsewhere in the world she's being bombarded with the message that the things she likes (dinosaurs, monsters, pants, etc) are only for boys, not girls. Obviously this isn't the message we give her at home.
Any experiences or advice welcome. I'm not what you'd call a girly-girl either, but I want to show her that being a girl is empowering and wonderful and that she can do anything a boy can do. At the moment I just listen to her, ask the ocassional "why", but fully support her. I say "you can be whatever you want. You are [her name]".
4 Replies
Well done mum! I'm tired of the boys are blue, girls are pink, prince/princess pressure.
I was raised in a home where we were encouraged to get involved in everything from car maintenance to cleaning. My mum wasn't the type to wait around for a man to do anything, despite my dad being hands on, and handy. Because of that I am the same. If the fridge needs moving I move it. Need a radiator put in the car or a tyre changed, I can do that!
The far biggest influence in your children is your own behaviour and it sounds like you are a fantastic role model.
I don't have any daughters myself but have raised my sons with the same expectations I'd have of girls. Yes you will pull your weight with housework etc.
Definitely anything boys can do, girls can do too in this house and vice versa!
This might not help but might be worth searching for, theres a dr phil episode where their preschooler wants to be a boy. Well, one parent says so and lets her and the other disagrees.
He basically says to let her choose her own toys, likes, colours, clothes, hairstyles etc but refer to her as she as thats what she is, and its ok to be she and to like those things.
For me i would get some equality tshirts made for her. If she likes cars and black and sparkles - great! Thats not boyish, its her. Theres also an online jewellery shop that makes necklaces with dinosaurs and other cool things on, if she'd like that.
There are many parents in your situation. The part that stood out to me in your post is that your child is saying she "IS" a boy, a lot of children go through phases of wanting to be the other gender but there is a big difference if the child is stating that she IS the opposite gender.
Here are a couple of websites that I hope are helpful for you.
http://www.abc.net.au/4corners/stories/2014/11/17/4127631.htm
http://www.rch.org.au/adolescent-medicine/gender-service/
http://www.genderhelpforparents.com.au/
http://www.pgdc.org.au/
My child was like this, there were tantrums every morning trying the get clothes onto them, always insisting that she was the opposite gender. She spoke about ripping her privates off. She now sees a spych from the gender clinic at the children's hospital and is so much happier. If you feel that this is more than just a phase (you will have so many people try to tell you that) and she keeps insisting please get some help for you and for your child. You are definitely not alone.
My son (almost 4) loves "girl" things and dresses. He wants to be a mum when he is big so he can have babies grow in his belly. We just let him be, he will put on a dress some days and and shorts shirt with trucks on it the next day. His daycare doesn't mind and never stop him from playing with "girl" things. He might be Trans, he might be gay, he might be a super paternal boy, but he is super loved. Talk to the daycare and let them know that you're ok with her doing her thing. A copy of the book introducing teddy might also help. I'm a fully grown adult heterosexual woman and sometimes I think it would be better to be a boy too.