My husband and I have been going through a tough time lately in our relationship. But we manage to try and not argue to much but I can feel we R definitely not the same as we used to be... And he personally has been going through shit as well with his dad passing away in a extremely terrible situation...
But last night we had an argument about him not appreciating me enough. I do ALOT for him! Everything, from making his teas multiple times a day, cooking his food, cleaning the dishes, driving him everywhere (because he doesn't like driving on his days off), he never gets out and gets fuel, I run to the shops to buy him his smokes.... I never ask him to do anything, except take the bins out once a week.
Yes he works his ass off like 50 hours a week. But this past 7 months for us have been hell. And he has changed, he doesn't say I love u anymore unless he is leaving for work... If im going to the shops and I give him a kiss good bye and say I love u, he just replies " uh huh". There is no effort in it. He only says it when he goes to work like its habit.
He doesn't hug me and or hold my hand anymore. Yes we have sex often but it's all about him.
Iv noticed lately he has been looking at porn a few times a week.. And even researching local escorts in our area!! ?? he is a very shy man with absolutely no confidence. So I'm finding it hard to believe that he would get the courage to go cheat.
But even last night after we argues about that he doesn't show me affection much or appreciate me like he used to, then after that I found out he looked at porn again! No respect for my feelings anymore.
I think he has a sex addiction... Most likely no one that he would cheat on me. But one where it's always on his mind.
He knows I am very against porn! And Iv confronted him about the researching escorts before which he gave me a pretty good excuse with blaming it on someone else which I did believe... Until I have seen it 2 more times since then which he doesn't know iv seen...
What do I do now? How do I confront him again?
(Please keep in mind we do love each other, and we have 2 young kids together)
13 Replies
You need to go to counseling. He gave you an excuse you believed. You know now that was bullshit. You have all the clues but are refusing to believe he would actually cheat on you. Its not a sex addiction. I really think youre in huge denial and tricking yourself, giving him excuses you dont want it to be true and you dobt want to deal with it.
Hes showing you very little respect and taking a lot from you. As someone who was exactly the same as you - he did it. He did it from the start. Hes not the man you want to believe he is. You have all the evidence. I think you really need counselling to help you help yourself with this.
I have been going to see a phycologist, I even got my husband to see her as well (but for a different reason) we have been to mediation to try and sort out a bigger problem we had. My phycologist knows that I found it research of escorts the first time and she helped me confront him... But I believed his excuse. She knows him well to and thought that it might just be a fantasy in his head because he really has no confidence and terrible anxiety. I have an appointment with her next Friday to update her about the porn and more researching of escorts and the fact that he lied to me the first time..
But I'm just stuck as to hos im meant to feel for him.
I will warn you my ex was lovely kind gentle shy polite anxious (outside our home) and he did the worst.
I thinkyou might need to look at your whole relationship. It really rings bells of my past.i was trying so hardbut so many problems all the time and i was in a fog. I just couldnt see it until my whole world shattered. Then it all hit me. Abusive relationship and all. All the clues are there even besides the cheating. The disrespecting you daily and putting nothing in, thats a bad way for you to live.
Sorry i dont have any advice except take care of yourself. Build up your own self, your own savings, friends and independence.
You asked this question before. Stop making excuses for the guy! We all have really big terrible shit happening in our lives. It doesn't make people start looking for prostitutes! No it doesn't sound like a sex addiction. It sounds like he got away with it once before and so thought he'd get away with it again.
Just because you have 2 young kids doesn't mean you should sweep this under the carpet. It means for your children you should hold him to account. No excuses! It means you need to be a role model for those children, and that means not putting up with less than. Because if you put up with it, it will keep happening over and over again. Your children are watching how this relationship operates and as they will get older will learn this is how relationships operate. They will watch your sanity and self esteem be crushed into the ground.
Stop being his slave! Loads of men work 50 hours a week and manage to drive themselves where they want to go on weekends (if there was no reason for you to go), buy there own smokes, and put fuel in there own car.
You tell him you've seen it, you tell him it's unacceptable and ask him if he has seen a prostitute since you've been married. You tell him that whatever is going on in his life, that is unacceptable. You stop being his servant. There are consequences to his actions, he needs to know that.
But honestly if my man researched prostitutes, that would be a Deal Breaker! Because that's Planning to cheat. Planning it!
Yes I have asked this question before about the researching escorts. I haven't confronted him about my new findings since though because I'm waiting for my phycologist appointment next week so she can help me out and prepare me first.. But it's just hit me all of a sudden again that we had an argument last night about no respect for me and he went and looked at porn shortly after.
Can I also add that I am the one that is charge of all the money. I know how much we have and where it all goes, and iv never noticed any money missing and from what iv heard, escorts R very expensivez
Its all so unhealthy. Arent you tired? It shouldnt be this hard
I agree, this sounds like a horrible way to live your life. And obviously there are other issues other than the prostitute issues going on. It sounds like he has no respect for you and treats you like crap.
Why are you living like this?
You say your confused about how you should feel. What you should feel is furious, betrayed, angry!
As to the money. So what is stopping him seeing a prostitute is that you have control over the money. Is that ok by you? It wouldn't be ok by me.
https://www.theimperfectmum.com.au/.../culture-difference-mother-law- divorce-children-love-my-life-what-hell-do-i-do
Read this post I did a few weeks ago, it explains the other stuff going on in our marriage!!
It will say not found, but scroll down to the first paragraph, about cultured offence and mother in law... That's my post.
And honestly YES I'm tired, I'm exhausted and warn out
At what point do you say thats enough? You dont deserve this. You deserve an equal. The damage being done to your self is too great. The life this is giving you is not a good one.
I think youve let the boundaries slip over time. Maybe because theres so many excuses with culture differences, feeling sorry for him, things happening, believing hes lovely and kind and just needs help or time.
When do you look after yourself?
Or are you so fixated on holding on, fixing him, making it work, so deep in the mess of issues, hoping it will change that thats all you can do, no matter what it does to you along the way
Has he changed since his dad passed away ? you mention since the last 7 months, so I was wondering if that correspond to his dad's passing. I'm not trying to excuse his behavior but losing someone like your mom or dad can be very tough at any age, it may be that he is feeling completely numb emotionally ? Perhaps he doesn't know how to "feel" anything anymore which could explain going to porn or looking at prostitutes as an extreme fantasy.
My advice would be to either hit him with " are you depressed?" and invite him to talk about what really is on his mind. Or to try the opposite, not talking to him or doing anything for him for a few days to see if that jolt him out of it and pushes him to discuss the issue. Then some might think this is stupid as he's disrespecting you right now, but sometimes our partner in life need a friend more than a wife or a lover. As you said this is a relatively recent change and it is out of character for him, then I would personally show more compassion to get to the bottom of what is wrong with him rather than confronting him with anger and resentment.
I just had a look at your other post and things seems to be WAY more complicated than that!!! I'm sorry you are going through this but it does sound like there are a lot of decision to be made!