I'm about to start the mediation process in regards to the care of my 6 month old daughter, and was wanting to know how if anyone has let their child this young stay over night for 2 nights a fortnight with dad?
she is formula fed and goes to Childcare 3 days a week and adapts well to change...
I'm wanting to agree to this, but most people, including my solicitor are telling me it's not in the best interest of my baby because it could potentially jepodise the primary attachment I have with my daughter.. it's not like it's 50/50, it's only every second weekend for 2 nights... and to be honest, I'd like the break!
I can't believe how many people are judging me, call me a bad mother OMG shame on me!
will I be doing damage to my baby
will I be doing damage to my baby
Posted in:
Baby & Toddler
12 Replies
Sigh, personally I feel if I can leave my six month old baby at home while I go to hospital for a week, then a weekend at dads once a fortnight will be good. I also believe if I can leave my baby with my mum for a weekend so I could go on holiday then I can leave the baby for a weekend with dad once a fortnight.
If you and dad lived together I don't think we would think twice about this stuff!
Its not judgment. its whats been studied and shown to be best for babies development. Why would you go against that advice? If you really want him to have overnights why not make it one night at a time. at your house so they know youre still there.
My older child was always resilient and happy, adapted well, and is now starting to suffer anxiety and all these emotional issues are coning out she cant cope with. You dont see if its ok instantly - thats why theres long term research and advice available.
because that's what works for his work schedule and it's not appropriate for him to stay here as I have other kids.
I don't see a problem with this.
Bub and dad deserve the chance to have a close relationship.
Adding - unless there is history of abuse or addiction in which case I wouldn't do it.
Seems weird your solicitor would advise against it without a reason
'my solicitor are telling me it's not in the best interest of my baby and I can be doing damage to her long term'
reason is she thinks it may jepodise the primary attachment I have with my daughter.
I think you need to understand the difference between research and recommendations compared to opinions.
'Dads deserve a close relationship' and 'grandma had her for a weekend so itll be fine' are opinions.
Your solicitor is referring to research. Maybe start by googling attachment theory and research that suits your situation. Speak to your mchn, gp about what they know about it. Ask your solicitor where he got that recommendation and look into it yourself.
Ok that makes sense, but it's up to you to make the call on if you think it will affect your attachment.
I don't think 2 nights every 2 wks would
My daughter has been staying with her dad and brothers over night since she was about that age. Our attachment is super strong. I was always glad to have the break. Do what is best for you. If you want to allow this then allow it. All you can do is see how it goes and if it doesn't work or you feel 2 nights away from buns is too hard. Start with one night away and work towards 2. As she gets older it won't be so bad.
It's great to see so many supportive comments on the Facebook thread, recounting positive experiences of shared custody of infants. To help balance some of the advice and opinions out there, I wanted to refer to the research that has been done in this area (psychology/childhood development/sociology etc). The research pretty definitively shows that there can be negative consequences for removing a child of this age from their primary carer for regular overnight stays. The 'primary carer' can refer to the mother, the father, the grandmother, a foster parent etc - whoever has formed the primary attachment with the baby. Have a look on google or google scholar and look up 'shared custody impacts infants' to get an overview of some of the research.
It recommends setting up day-time visits for shared custody of infants up to at least 12 months old, then from between 12months - 2 years, 1 night a fortnight, and phasing in more regular 2-night stays from 3 years old on-wards. 'Negative consequences' is referring to psychological adjustment and attachment issues - these may not necessarily be seen IMMEDIATELY, but are long-term impacts. Also, it's important to remember the research is referring to regular-long term arrangements, not one-offs every now and then.
I'm sure there are those out there who would be wrongly-judging you because of their own beliefs of what a 'good mother' is - but the advice your solicitor is giving you is based on evidence-based research. But of course the most important thing for the baby is to have a happy and healthy primary caregiver, all babies are different, and you are the one who knows your daughter best. Just thought I'd offer some insight into what the research says so you feel informed and comfortable with whatever you decide. All the best! :) xx
I've read all the Facebook comments, all the research that has been posted and I am a single mum. You are not going to get the answers you need here, everyone has a different view, there are the attachment parents, the 50/50 fathers rights and everyone in between. How long were you with the father, how well do you know him? What kind of person is he? What kind of baby do you have, a well settled baby in a routine or a fussy baby? How does he engage with bubs? There are amazing fathers out there and some not so good, there are even amazing ones that aren't so great with infants. Only you truly know the people in this scenario, only you know in your heart the right way to go. Dont let all the comments about everyone else's situations sway you, because your situation is unique to you and your bubs. Listen to your inner mummy voice and have faith and confidence in your decision. Also remember, nothing is permanent and things can be changed down the track, we are all just winging it, trial and error.