It's 2:30am, and I am lying in bed wide awake trying to get to sleep, knowing that I won't until after the baby wakes around 3am, and as is the case for most people with insomnia, mulling over my life.
And I have come to realise that I don't fit in anywhere, not in with my friends, my church and even my family - immediate and extended.
My friends - well there are few, but I felt like they were strong and close. But of recent, I feel like that is slipping away from me. Life gets in the way. Mental health (mine and theirs) gets in the way. And now I just feel a distance that didn't seem to be there before.
I try to talk to school mum's at pick up time. But it's only ever small talk and peeters out, and there we are left standing, silent and awkward, trying not to let it show. Or else I am left standing on my own, watching the other mums stand together in their cliques, chatting, laughing and seemingly happy.
My church is filled with wonderful people who are lovely and welcoming and happy. But I don't fit in there either. I'm not like them at all! They are smart, and beautiful (really! Like almost every person is stunning!) and successful and passionate about God. And I am.. Not. I guess I am smart (uni assignment results suggest that I am). I am not attractive (even my husband of 15 years I'd not attracted to me) or beautiful. They are successful, most of them doing what they love in their chosen field and doing it so well. I am just a mum. Other than my kids I have done nothing with my life. My kids are it, and one day, they will be grown up and I will no longer be needed in the way they need me now. My 11 year old already talks about travelling the world, living overseas. When the last kid leaves, what will become of me then? I worry about that a lot.
My church friends are passionate about God. While I believe in God and am thankful for what He has given me (husband, children etc) I just don't have the same passion that they exhibit. I am a tri-annual visitor to church. They live and breathe Him. I'm just trying to live and breathe.
And I want to add, that they don't make me feel like they are better than me. They welcome me with open arms and love me despite my shortcomings. But I look at them and then I look at myself and I just don't even compare. I'm not even on the NOT list of Who's Hot and Who's Not.
My family - well my side are not very close. And while I normally see my mother each week, I spend most of our time together trying to make sure that my mother likes my kids (because they are truly awesome kids) as we have two very different parenting styles (she's of the seen and not heard era) and my children are loud and happy (and occasionally naughty) and nothing like how I was raised to be. I am also feeling like I am competing for her affection with my brother and his children who parents the way she did and whose children are not perfect either but who are her favourite anyway. As for my siblings, we catch up from time to time, talk on FB, but they all work and I'm just at home.
As for my husband's family, their traditions and ways of doing things are not how I want to do them, which causes bitchiness and upset. And my husband never stands up to them, so I am left to look like the bad guy, even when he says he agrees with me. I still do things my way, while accommodating their traditions where I can, but I am still the one that came in and changed everything.
My husband, well his life is far more exciting than mine now. Every couple of months, sometimes sooner, he is flying off to some major city capital where he gets to enjoy working at conventions with the company that makes his card collection. He gets to eat out at fine restaurants, fly all around Australia, get away from work and home life very often. In fact, he will be going overseas next month for this reason. And here I am, at home, raising our family, not going anywhere, not doing anything different and certainly not seeing new and wonderful things and I have never been overseas.
And when my husband is home, he does as much over-time as he can. It's like he doesn't want to be around me anymore,and I don't actually blame him. I have nothing substantial to offer him, other than the mundane daily grind.
I shouldn't complain really. My husband works hard, and we have a lovely home and a new car and I get to stay home with the kids. But it does get lonely being on my own so much.
I know people will say, find a hobby and connect with people that way, but that's just not as easy as it sounds. We live rurally for starters and the other major thing stopping me is my severe social anxiety and depression (medicated for and seeing a counsellor regularly). And even if I met someone nice, I'd have nothing to say to them, nothing to offer them either.
How do I fit in, when I literally don't fit in anywhere?
7 Replies
I'm the same with being socially awkward. I do work though and if anything it highlights how I'm so different, I joke that they hide me in the corner because I don't play well with others. There's other options, for that find a hobby idea, I live rurally too but I love photography so I bought a nice camera and joined a global photography webpage - I've got 12 followers! Ok, one is a girl I went to school with but the other 11 are there because they like my photos. There's professionals on there and looking at their pics makes me feel a bit inadequate but I've got a few photos getting peer awards and likes so it's a bit of a boost and I get ideas and learn from the better pictures. Plus it's reignited my interest. I loved it enough to do a photography course but then life/family/work got in the way and I let it slide and I shouldn't have because it makes me happy, I find I occasionally get out and do stuff just to get photos such as after the rain I'll go for a drive to have a go at moving water photos at my nearest decent sized waterfall (I think it's about 2 hours away). Then there's the forum for my particular breed of pet, I only have one of them so it's good to talk to breeders and hobbyists about any questions, and to compare my spoilt little brat with the other newbies brats to see if the level of brattedness is the same, definitely little characters. Then there's this one. I check in most days to see what's happening in the world of mums on any given day. I'm an older mum (older as in have adult offspring, not old as in ancient haha), successfully out the other side and sometimes I see someone like you feeling lost and uninspired, just like I was. You're on meds and you're seeing a counsellor, that's great. When you're ready it's time to start reconnecting. With others (as above, I love that online I can take the time to think a response and can delete something before I say it - if only that was true in real life!), with your husband (demand some of his time, not a lot, just enough to make you feel like he has something to come home for) doing stuff based on shared interests - take some time out of the daily grind together to remind each other why you're together. Your life has the potential to be interesting and fulfilling, you just have to be happy being you.
I don't know if you exercise much but have you thought about that? Get into health and fitness a little bit and things really start looking up in life. The happier you are with yourself the more people (including your husband) will want to interact with you.
It makes me very sad though that you think your husband doesn't find you attractive or doesn't want to come home and spend time with you. He probably thinks working a lot is better for the family and has nothing to do with you being boring!
Getting a hobby doesn't have to be something you do with other people in person. The internet is a wild and wonderful place. Do things you love by yourself and connect with other people online who do the same. Take he kids on a holiday! If your husband makes good money he should be able to pay for a holiday even if it's just to Sydney or A beautiful beach! Learn to surf on the holiday?
Don't let yourself say you're boring anymore. You're doing a great job with the kids and when they grow up you can have even more fun doing whatever you want! It won't be the end of the world. Travel with your 11 year old if you want!
It sounds like you need to shake things up to feel alive again! Do something completely out of routine, like book in and go skydiving! It just sounds like you've lost your passion for life and need to find it again! Kids are draining, being a mum is draining, being alone is draining.. Go do something crazy! Your husband might think you're going through some mid life crisis, or he might love the glow you have after doing something crazy and want to go on more adventures with you.
Can I just say, without commenting on the content, your post was beautifully written. I, as much as I hate myself for it, cringe often when I read things on the Internet and it was so refreshing to read your post. I am unsure of your level of education, but you clearly have an impeccable way with words and no doubt during your education years, achieved excellent results, at the very least in English. You need to start using your talents, they are still there, under the surface, you've just forgotten about them! I also sense a great sense of humour in you, I just feel you have a lot to offer the world through your writing. Also, look up introverts, you may be one and everything may make more sense.
You have a really bad perception of yourself! You are looking at yourself in such a negative light and then comparing yourself to others and seeing them as some kind of amazing accomplished human beings, but how do you know that they aren't standing there at church, at school, in the supermarket, feeling exactly like you are?
For example, I have this wonderful friend who I always thought was so brilliantly confident and had all these groups of friends and has travelled overseas and moved away to the big city. I am the opposite. Never travelled, so horribly shy i probably come across as a snob, never moved away, am a stay at home mum to a tribe of children...I said to my friend one night, "how do you do it? How do you meet people and just become friends? Your so confident with people and you life is amazing!"
Well she nearly choked and said "omg are you kidding me!" She then went on to tell me how she is most definitely not confident and the friends shes made were just by coincidence and that she saw me as the amazing, well put together, confident one, with this wonderful set up life while she has no friggen idea what shes doing or if shes happy doing it!
That conversation made me realise it was just my perception of myself that was holding me back. And no one was looking at me in the way I was seeing myself.
I bet a lot of people see you as amazing and maybe you need to see that person too. Xx
You need to start loving yourself and knowing that you are enough just as you are. Sounds like you may be suffering from depression and anxiety. Living rurally could certainly be exacerbating that.
I think you should talk to your GP and set up a mental health plan to talk to a psychologist. I think you can get 10 sessions via Medicare, check with your doctor. You can probably find a psychologist that could treat you via Skype.
All the best xx
Hey, i feel exactly the same way. I DON'T FIT IN WITH ANY OF THE MUMS I MET SO FAR. I'm a tomboy, a big kid. Im at my early 30's but I still love playing guitar( I've been seriously played for 10 years so far), to me music is just as important as my family. I still find myself excited about games ....science...which just don't go together with motherhood. Other women found me weird and immature.so I ended up hang out with all the dads....