When do you say enough is enough?
Let me start by saying my husband is a wonderful man and an amazing father and I love him with all my heart. But I feel myself growing increasingly frustrated with him. Money has always been an issue for us. I believe in paying bills first and foremost, putting money into savings even if it's only $5 or $10 on short weeks, whatever is left after the essentials have been paid, is play money. However he thinks very differently. It's been like this our entire relationship. We (he) is in a mountain of debt, and believes if he ignores it, it will go away. I on the other hand have been in debt previously and worked my butt off to get out of it. I want to buy a home, he says he does but does nothing to improve our chances.
I have lost count how many times we have sat down and tried talking about it all, how many times we have agreed to stick to a budget only for it to go out the window on the first day, how many times he said he will change but he doesn't. And I'm starting to feel like we will never get anywhere in life if we continue on like this. We have tried marriage counselling, financial advisors/counsellors... You name it, we have tried it. He promises to change his ways in regards to money but never does, or never sticks to it. I've tried taking control of the money, but that doesn't work either because although bills get paid, he gets angry at the fact there is no play money.
As much as I love him, and I hate that this comes down to money, I want more in life. I don't want to keep having these arguments, I don't want to just keep going around in circles like we do. It's wearing me down. I am a stay at home mum, yes I have tried working to bring in more income to help us save and try to improve our situation but it was useless as all my income went on Childcare. I have started my own business but it's very sporadic and he believes that any money I get from it should be spent on us whereas I believe (and need) that small amount when it comes in to continue building the business and finishing my study. Once I start making more I can set aside some for us, but that's just not an option right now. He claims he supports me in this but his actions say otherwise.
I want to better our lives- our children's lives- not just with material things, but so we don't have to worry about overdue bills or whether we have savings if something were to happen. I want to feel the pride that comes with buying our first home. Most of all though, I just don't want to argue about money anymore. I don't want to be rich, I just want to be comfortable and know our bills are paid. But he doesn't share that goal. And honestly I don't know if I can continue living like that.
9 Replies
If he is in debt, you are both in debt. it sounds like he isn't interested or able to compromise. So it's a big problem.
Personally I think you've outgrown him. You've tried to work with him and he has shown that you both have very different ideas on how to live your lives.
I would separate sooner rather than later. You won't be rich and it will take you awhile to build up financially bit at least you will be moving forward.
Kids also get more expensive as they get older and doesn't sound like your partner will cope taking the hit on his income!
Make sure you have the CSA collect child support. Don't enter a private agreement.
I do understand what this is like. I lived with a guy who earnt a lot of money. We should have been able to live very confortably but it felt like living below the poverty line for me. The power used to get disconnected because he would buy some random car (he had 5) with the bill money on a whim. Or would run out of funds to register his work vehicle (that he couldn't work without) because he spent $2000 on crap.
How do you do it though? How do you leave someone you love with every inch of yourself over money? It just seems so... Shallow? And selfish. I do know what you are saying and it makes sense. We have been through so much and right now my mind can't fathom leaving him over this when we have been through what we have. I appreciate your honesty and advice.
Honestly I didn't feel I had the right to continue the relationship. I had a child, I needed to guarantee that child that he had a stable home. My child deserves to live in a home with electricity, and to feel secure that we were going to be able to eat that week. My child deserved to go on school excursions, and to try extra curricular activities that fitted in the families budget.
What's selfish to me is a grown ass man who carries on when there is less spending money that week because there are necessities and bills to be paid.
Oh my god! I could have written this!!!! I have no advice but I know what it's like. I stopped fighting because there was no point- it got me nowhere. So now we're getting nowhere and I just accept it but then get told that I'm spending the money too because I'm avoiding the big pointless argument everyday!
We've always had different views on money so I've earned my own income. As long as he had his part of our combined expenses I didn't (and still don't) give a shit what he does with the rest of his wage. After bills I saved what was left of mine and after a while I'd saved up a decent start on a house deposit. When it was tangible, when he realised owning a home was a real possibility - then he got interested and started adding to my savings to get us there. We've been in our home for about 5 years. Even now we do the same, he spends his left over money as he sees fit, I save for overseas travel because it's something I want from life. I love the shit out of this man, he just really sucks with money so I earn my own. To get around the childcare trap I worked nights after my son started school so I'd drop him at school in the morning, his dad would pick him up from after school care in the afternoon.
See that's another thing, we had the money for a generous deposit on a house (was gifted to me by family). It was right there! It was in an account that we couldn't access but could add to. But because of his/our credit history and a couple of other things, we were advised it would be a good 6+ months before we could buy. We accessed it once to give a small amount to help a family member in crisis and the agreement was to withdraw that amount then put the no access back on the account. Only he didn't. And now we have none of that money left, and our chances of buying in the foreseeable future are gone. I am so incredibly angry at myself for allowing that. It was a once in a lifetime chance and we blew it.
I looked into working nights but it's not doable right now, we still have a few very young children including a new baby, and his hours mean he isn't reliable for after school care pick up etc and we don't have anyone else who could help out. It's so frustrating because I would do it in a heartbeat but can't.
This would be a deal breaker for me. IMO very disrespectful of you, your kids and the family who gave the hand-up financially. Unfortunately he is completely self absorbed and has not prioritised his family. IMO this goes much deeper than the actual cash. I had goose bumps reading your post. My husband has a very different approach to money than me (he's a spender, I'm a saver) and sounds like a saver against your hubby. Sorry...
Oooh, that's not spending habits, that's pretty much stealing from the family.
We have been using mybudget to oversee our finances and we love it. It takes the pressure off us and our bills get paid we have money in the savings and we don't have to fight about money anymore. You can go and sit down with them for a free consult and they can give you some great advice.