Im sorry if this pulls some stings but I'm trying extremely hard to understand the logic behind some mothers who see an issue while their child is in their ex care and IMMEDIATELY remove the child from the fathers care. Why?? Am I the only women in this world who believes a father has just as much rights and a mother and should be given the same opportunities?? Or am I just bat shit crazy?? Honestly I feel that any mothers who does this to their child and their child's father really don't deserve the right to make this choice nor should they have the right to decide if the father is a good father or not. As a mothers we are always going to feel that we love our children more than anyone else but in most cases the father believes that as well and proves it in many ways, and as mothers we sometimes don't believe is good enough. When is it going to be good enough for you??I'm a single mum of 2 children to 2 different failed relationships with 50/50 care for both and I stand for equality between parents and always will!! I AM TALKING ABOUT GOOD FATHERS HERE THE ONES WHO LOVE AND CHERISH THEIR CHILDREN NOT THE ONES WHO ABUSE, NEGLECT OR TREAT THEIR CHILDREN HORRIBLY.
16 Replies
Yes, in SOME cases I believe you're right. In others I believe you have no idea why mothers keep their children from their fathers or mothers in some cases so I find this post extremely judgemental!!
I know a man with 3 children who refuses their mother any rights for many reasons.
I know women who keep their children from their fathers (myself included) because they were abusive to both the mother AND child.
I know women who refuse to give the fathers any rights because they have found out the father was convicted child molester.
And then there are some women AND men who use their children as pawns!
What you're doing works for all involved, your kids, your ex's and yourself and I hope you're very proud to be lucky enough to have that. But I do believe you need to think about what you judge people on. This will get a lot of people agreeing, but it will also get a lot of mothers whom you're running down just because you think you know what is right and wrong for every family. Try and keep your nose out of other peoples families business and stick to what you know, your family and what is best for them.
I'd also like to add that I had the exact same views when I got with my partner (father of my son).
He had a daughter to a previous relationship, believed every word he said about her being a bitch and just wouldn't let him see her. I got him Visitations, which he didn't really want because he chose alcohol and drugs over her anyway, now to this day the mother of his daughter and I are very close friends. I regularly look after his daughter for weekends and she spends time with my son and neither of them see their father. He hasn't seen or tried to see my son for 3 years, he hasn't seen or tried to see his daughter for 4 years.
This is such a lovely outcome from such a shit situation. Good on you both!
Very generalised. It would be case by case. See an issue and immediately remove the child? I can think of a few issues off the top of my head to warrant that. Maybe because your exes arent dickheads (which is great thing) but maybe thats why you cant imagine how it might go for others who are TRYING to make coparenting work.
Look there are a minoroty of mothers and fathers who do the wrong thing.
But the vast majority try to do the right thing.
My ex BIL will be one of those people who complain there kids are being kept from him. What he doesn't tell you is he belted his autistic son with a BELT. He also won't tell you that he refused to take the kids to appointments in his week even when they booked in to fit his schedule (and he confirmed that he would take them). That he would fail to let psych/OT etc know that he wasn't bringing the kids meaning my sister would get caught with a cancellation fee that he'd refuse to contribute to. Homework was never done and he'd forget to attend parent teacher interviews. Yet somehow it's my sisters fault that 50/50 got pulled!
Do you know that you are being judgemental right now, that berating women who were with their exes for quite a period of time who know what they are like and how they treat their kids. Yes some women out there are totally unreasonable. Not letting them see their kids because they have moved on, they've started a new relationship and had another child. Yes it's wrong to deny good men their children. You know what it's not wrong to deny a bad man his child. A man that has a very short temper, a man that used to beat, or beat their kids. A man that never wanted to spend any time with their kids and now that they love broken up only wants to have his child so he can still have some form of control over his ex partner. My ex gets one 24 hour period a week with his kids, because that's all he can handle and that's all he wants. I don't deny him his children even though he was awful with me when we were together. He does have a very short temper and can be a an arsehole and ignored then when he has them but I still let them go. You haven't walked in these other mums shoes, you haven't lived behind closed doors with these men and you never saw what went on when you weren't around. Unless you were a fly on the wall you wouldn't know if a man who you think is an absolutely fantastic man when he's out in public is actually a total controlling, abusive son of a bitch to the woman he has had children to. My exes cousin told me when I broke up with him. "If I knew he was that bad, I would have helped you get out years ago" I never told anyone about being held up against a wall with a fist in my face, about how he reacted when someone brought up my past, what he used to call me and how often he screamed at me and our kids. I never told and he'd never do it in front of my friends or family. You don't know, you couldn't know, so please don't judge those mums who are simply trying to protect their kids from a situation you know nothing about.
How wonderful for YOU to have such lovely men in your life.
Unfortunately, not all are like that.
When my mother divorced our "father", she moved States and we never saw him again.
She got called every name under the sun by his family.
They still whinge 15+ years later that she stole us from him. That he died because he was heartbroken from missing us kids.
The truth, he was an abusive alcoholic who beat us kids and our mother.
But she was a horrible woman for refusing contact.
Yes, I know women who use their kids for control over their ex's. Even one that has called him a pedophile, and taken him to court. He's innocent and court is over the lying woman. He deserves 100% custody as she isn't mentally stable. You know what? She still has majority care of the child.
Not every broken family can get along.
In a perfect world there would be 50/50 care, but there is no such thing a a perfect parent unfortunately.
I know if I ever split with my partner, there is no way he'd get 50/50. He has anger management issues and can't handle the kids on his own. So I would have them full time with him having supervised visits.
Most parents do what they believe is best.
The small amount of horrible women give those doing the right thing, a horrible name.
I hope you're not including domestic abuse or child abuse in your comments. Think about it, there are times when a woman has to take her child from their father for their own protection. Sure in an ideal world the father is able to be able to coparent. Comments like this irritate me no end. Are you going to judge me because I removed my children from their father who sexually assaulted my child? I certainly hope not.
Exactly! Sweeping judgments and accusations, this opinion piece is a big pile of shit.
Exactly what you said - because parents have a DUTY OF CARE for their children. Even sadly from the other parent. Way to try to shame something she has no idea about.
I think the original poster is talking about women who use their kids as pawns.
It happens.
My mother did it. I lost respect for her because of it.
My partners ex did it.
It's wrong. It's actually child abuse in my opinion.
Does it matter what group shes talking about? Who is she to decide who is protecting and who is withholding, who is right and who is wrong.
Its an accusatory, divisive, opinionated rant and nothing more. I hope it is deleted and not given a platform.
If she has a certain personal issue then post it, but nothings black and white unless you have all the details.
And who are you to decide theyre good fathers based on what you know of them? Im pretty sure the mother would have a better idea.
I find the idea of throwing hate at mothers who are doing what they decide is right for their childs safety and care sickening and disgraceful.
Im not sure why you feel you know enough about anyone elses circumstances to judge them.
Take your fathers rights story and your agenda elsewhere. I can guess who wrote this, there are a couple of you, you don't just write your own comments but comment on everyone else's that has a differing opinion to yours. You never consider the situation, the children's ages, the character of the father, you just give the same bullshit 50/50 comment. Life isn't black and white and your agenda isn't helping anyone on this page, nothing good can come from this post. Write about your own story, we will give you advice but don't make sweeping generalisations and incite hate about a small minority of people. This isn't a platform for targeting particular people, it is a platform to tell your story and get support and practical advice.
I am going through mediation soon with my ex.
When we split i always said i want her (daughter aged 3)to have a relationship with him because our relationship has nothing to do with their relationship.
I still stand by this. However there are other considerations into this.
You need to find a stable routine, we were 50/50 but due to his work he goes away which distresses her, she would also become distrssed going to his house every week and saying she doesnt want to go.
Now of course she went and it wasn't until a night where she was on the phone screaming and crying for her mum and he is trying to get her to hang up the phone then messages after saying she was happy and didn't want to talk to you, that I realised that this isn't working. She's not happy. She doesn't have a stable consistant routine.
So I went back to a legal agreement and continued to mediation (which the process started 5 months ago).
She still sees him, still talks to him and when she does there is no screaming or crying.
Sometimes what is best for the child isn't 50/50. It can only work in some cases not in all.
I will strive to make my daughter have a positive relationship with her father. I am trying to do what's best for her, without factoring in what I want.
I got out of a dv relationship and my daughter still sees her dad all the time. He may have been an asshole of a partner but he is a good dad so I wouldnt keep my child from knowing a good dad. Some families can make co parenting work and unfortunately others arent so black and white.
Good for you original poster and don't be confused or concerned at all about the ruffled feathers or the negative clucking about yourself and opinions about the matter.....Unfortunately the truth hurts and the ones defending emslves and being bitter towards your vent are obviously hurt by it in someway for all the wrong reasons..Probably guilt and Good on you for saying it:-)