Hi IMs
I follow this page from the U.K. I'm looking for some help and reassurance. I'm not sure if this the right way to go about it.
My 15yr old daughter is driving me absolutely crazy. She just seems to want to make the whole house unhappy! She's not a bad child and I know she could be a hundred times worse but she NEVER does the things she is asked. She doesn't have chores to do (I stopped wasting my breath)and as a result she doesn't get pocket money. All I ask is what I consider to be normal everyday tasks.
For example don't leave wet towels on the floor, rinse the bath and sink when you are done, put your laundry in the basket and hang school uniform up. When after asking nicely countless times I end up losing it and shouting, to which her reply is I'm always moaning.
She doesn't wash or shower everyday even when she is on her period which us another thing we argue about. I've told I can smell her she just shrugs her shoulders. She leaves her used sanitary items in her room, which we have spoken about before and how to dispose of them.
She just doesn't seem to care about how she is causing unhappiness as there just seems to be constant stress. I also have a son aged 7 she says he is spoilt and gets everything he wants (he doesn't) I have tried to stay calm she used to get a lot more as we were in a different financial situation. My husband is her stepdad but has been in her life since she was 3, neither him or his family have ever treated her like she wasn't bio family. She sees her bio dad when he wants to but when I ask him for backup he says it's not up to him as not his house! He pays his monthly money and that's pretty much as far as his parenting goes. She has said many times she wants to live with him, as he is more fun and doesn't moan like I do. She can't as he rents a room in a house and has done since we split over 12 years ago. Although I do think everyone would be happier if she could.
I know this is normal teenage stuff but the daily battles are wearing me down and causing arguments between me and my husband. My son also picks up on the atmosphere he has says he doesn't want live in this house anymore and just wants to live in a peaceful house just him and his dad. It breaks my heart, I'm in tears writing this now. How have other IMs dealt with this?
(Apologies for the rambling)
How can I get my teen to do the things she is asked?
How can I get my teen to do the things she is asked?
Posted in:
Teenagers, Tips and Advice
5 Replies
She actually sounds depressed! 15 year old girls don't want to smell. They want to be socially acceptable.
Has she ever had a mental health assessment?
When was the last time someone told her she had done something good?
I thank her for things she does do and I always tell her when she does good things. Especially school awards etc my husband does the same. When she is good and hasn't caused a scene in the house she rewarded and told why. She's an intelligent girl & she knows she is loved.
None of those things rule out depression. Personal hygiene problems are a huge red flag for depression. Especially in teenage girls because they are the most acutely aware of not standing out and wanting to fit in.
I was depressed as a teen. I was a high performing student, who couldn't force myself to have a shower. I was deep in a hole. I was well loved from a super supportive family. Often its chemical and has nothing to do with what is going on around us.
Firstly, pick your battles. Don't get angry and yell at her, it really doesn't help.
Secondly, stop doing anything for her. She wants to leave her clothes and wet towels on the floor, throw them in her room. Tell her she knows where they go. If they aren't put in the hamper, she won't have clean clothes. And she'll have to do them herself.
-does she have a phone? If so, who buys credit? If it's you, stop. No phone if the chores aren't done. Have a computer? Change the wifi password so she can't use it.
-make her cook one nights meal a week. If she doesn't do this, or help wash up afterwards, she goes without food.
-if she doesn't want to contribute to the household, tell her she'll have to get a job and start paying you board money. Then charge her electricity , food money etc. you're not her maid. Simple chores aren't too hard for a teenage girl to do.
Also, what sort of people does she hang out with? She may be depressed, or have other mental health issues. (A lot of the times "emo " people -wear lots of black etc- are depressed. I was in this sort of group during high school, all the others were depressed. ).
Good luck finding something that helps.
Also, try and be positive when your son is around. No yelling at daughter etc in front of him.
Maybe having a mummy daughter day together. Take a day off school. Go have lunch. Tell her you want her to be 100% honest the whole day. Sit down and talk together. Tell her you won't get angry at anything she has to say, you're here to listen and learn things. Try and get her to open up.
Ask how she thinks you can be a better mum. Ask how you can get her to do chores. Ask if she's ok mentally etc.
I have a son with ODD, diagnosed at about 5 years old so every single thing for almost his whole life has been about options and negotiations. He could leave his wet towel on the floor and have to use it wet and smelly next time (and I made him) or he can hang it up and use it dry AND as a bonus mum will wash it twice a week, he can rinse out the shower after he uses it or he can fully scrub it once a week (which I do because he rinses it as asked), I don't care if his laundry is out as he has done 100% of his own washing since he was 10 including hanging out, ironing uniforms and putting away (I might have to remind him on wash day to get it started), he can shower by 6pm on his own or I will shower him (you can imagine how that went down...), he could be dressed and ready for school on time or he could be dragged out to the car and dropped off in his pj's for all I cared (and he knew I'd do it too), he has cooked his own dinner every Friday night since he was 12 or he goes hungry. There's also additional chores such as vacuuming, helping with the dishes, cleaning the bathroom basin, cleaning the loo when he shits in it (if you devastate the dunny you clean it), feeding the dog etc. There was bitching and moaning for a loooong time but honestly my reply was always "rules is rules Macca". Right down to toothbrushing, he does it when I do it - no exceptions allowed unless he is sick and I don't mean sore tummy sick I mean can't get out of bed with a temp through the roof and wishing he was dead sick. Now he just does most of it because HE thinks it's not worth the battle lol. Don't get me wrong, I've tried and failed at other things, he was supposed to cook dinner twice a week on the days I finish work late but it doesn't happen and it's just not a battle I thought important enough. Don't get mad, get stubborn. Be consistent, if you say she's going to school in her pj's if she's not ready on time TAKE HER (*hint, keep a uniform in the car just in case lol).