**Trigger warning**
I found out that an ex family member is making accusations against my husband dating back 20+ years.
I'm shock. I'm a survivor myself and never, ever ever would i even think of my husband as being an abuser. I'm so sensitive to it, to people's behaviour. We have 1 child together and he has 2 adult children. He has been a really a great dad. Strong and loving and strict (when he needs to be). There are no accidental touches, or inappropriate contact, no special cuddles, no nudity etc. My son has seen ME naked more times than his dad. We have friends with kids and again, nothing ever.
The accuser is trying to say my husband probably did something to his older boys too but they are suppressing it. I've spoken to the boys separately. Both have same, very strong reactions: accuser is lying. Both boys moved in voluntarily to live with us when they were 14. They spend so much time with us. One just recently moved out and one still lives with us. Both have happy strong relationships. Both are really hurting by what's being said.
I'm so confused. How do I know who's telling the truth? If the accusations are false, then what do we do? How do I prove who is and who isn't lying. This is THE last thing that I would EVER think.
11 Replies
Wow that must be so hard for you all and a shock.
A few questions if you don't mind To clarify before answering.
was hubby an adult at time it supposedly happened or was he a kid?
Is this person a known trouble maker? And are they saying if hubby was an adult that they were a young child or were both kids together
my uncle did something to my cousin, but never touched any of the other cousins. It can be situational.
My advice get some legal advice now. Get your family some counselling.
If you find out it is not true, take this accuser to court for defamation of character!
But, I would try my hardest to find out the truth. Definitely seek legal advice in the mean time though.
What do u mean "a ex family member"?
OP here...Just a bit of a back story:
The person making accusations is the alleged victim's de-facto wife. She is saying her partner told her 10 years ago that he was abused by someone as a child by someone. I've known this for a very long time... The guy is in his 30s now. The alleged victim actually lived with my husband and I for a few years from about 21-23. As in he voluntarily moved in with us. He lived with us and my stepsons until he got married. We've all holidayed together, he and his wife would spend every weekend with us, we've looked after each others children. They have let us look after and care for their own little boy for the last 4 years. Never, ever any issues. When their little boy was a baby, they would literally get us to do everything - bathe, change nappies etc.
This person, left his wife in April this year and has started taking ice...he has been smoking pot for since he was 15 or 16 but his drug use has escalated in recent times.
The reason i'm saying ex-family member because...well, I had to cut the cousin and his wife out of our lives in the last few months because they separately became quite toxic for my family and I. My husband and I tried to help them - pushed for counselling, drug rehabs etc. but in the end, we had to work on our family.
The accusations just blown me away...I'm at a loss of what to even think...but in my heart, I know that the way my 2 stepsons and my own child looks at their dad, is with pure love and vice versa. No icky creepy feeling, no gut instinct telling something isn't right. My husband has said that he believes that the truth will come out and he has to keep his integrity and positive thoughts because going mental won't do any good. I'm at a total loss of what to do....
While I totally get where you are coming from I'll tell you my ex boyfriends story.
My ex was groomed by someone in his early teens. He gave my ex access to things that most teenage boys would long for. Boys weekend aways, jet skis etc. made him really comfortable. Then started supplying him with alcohol. Just one drink to start off with then. Then one night he got my ex plastered and raped him.
My ex was too embarrassed to tell anyone and thought he'd get in trouble for getting drunk. He couldn't stop the boys weekends away because then someone would ask why, plus he was so well groomed with jet skis etc! His abuser did such a good job that when I was 18 he and I moved into this guys house! He drove us to our high school prom in his limo.
I Had NO IDEA!
Often abuse victims are so badly damaged they don't behave in the logical way that you and I think we would. We THINK we'd never leave our own children with our abusers, but it happens more often than we could possibly imagine.
Whilst I would want to get to the bottom of it, I will say this: I follow a ladies story on fcebook who had an ice addicted husband. From her story and all the commenters on there, it is very typical behaviour that they accuse people of some pretty serious things. Unfortunately, sexual abuse is one of their main ones. mothers who have said they never would never in a million years abuse their children and their child tells people this. The thing that upsets them the most is the fact that (from what they can tell), the drug effected person actually believes what they are saying. Ice is so evil, the psychosis is well documented. I truly feel for you and your family and hope you get to the bottom of it xxxxx
With this back story in mind it all sounds too indirect . The accusation is coming from the alleged victims ex wife .... You have cut them out of your lives . This lady has lost A LOT in the last 6 months . Unless she had specific information her accusation could come from an assumption she's made by piecing the information together herself. If it's not coming directly from the victim then you have no reason to assume he's guilty . Is there a chance you could talk to the alleged victim ? I know u said he's on ice but can he hold a conversation ? Can you try to ask him ?
As far as what happens from
Here police are not likely to investigTe unless the victim himself comes forward and makes a formal accusation . If she approached the police they would tell her that they would need to speak directly to him as what she is saying is heresay . (He said she said )
IF. That's a big IF. he was to tell a likely story with enough information /evidence for the police to investigate further then it would be probable that the children in your husbands life would be reported to authorities and IF it's a serious charge they might interview the kids to ensure they are not at risk .
BUT i work in child protection , unless another child makes any allegation , unless your husband has any kind of record or history with police it is highly unlikely that any interviews or investigations would take place .
This ex wife of your cousin sounds like she has reasons to be angry and vindictive .
Oh IM. This is something also hitting home for my family at the moment, I am a survivor of long term abuse and grooming, my ex husband was also groomed as a teen by a teacher. An allegation has been made against my ex husband. He is so upset, he cried in my arms. My first reaction would be to believe them having gone through being thought of a liar myself etc but at the time I was married to my ex when they say it happened. I know nothing happened. I can testify that. This allegation is destroying him. I won't go into details but it is an allegation of a once off incident with a clear time frame. This person swears it happened but I know it didn't and possibly something did but it wasn't my ex. This person refuses to talk to anyone. It's horrible. No charges have been laid so there's nothing to do but both my ex and I have had to resume therapy. I'm sorry I have no advice but you're not alone.
It sounds dodgy to me, as in the accusers story not your hubby. I'd be definitely taking it further and getting legal help to try and get to the bottom of it. There are some pretty twisted people out there who make shit like this up to hurt others. In my mid twenties a crazy family member who has always had something against my dad started a bullshit story about how he sexually abused me as a child and teenager and that both my parents covered it up and bribed me to keep my mouth shut to try and get he rest of the family to hate my dad. It never happened. Never, ever has my dad inappropriately touched me in anyway. 9/10 it's true but there are sick twisted people out there that use something like this to get innocent people into trouble as some sort of revenge.
IM here...This is a follow up to a question re: husband being accused of sexual assault.
The person making "accusations" has admitted to making it up. MAKING IT UP!!! How could they? They dared to even go to the police and apparently after further questioning (including family members etc), the truth came out.
How could they? How could they try to destroy our life? I'm so angry on behalf of every victim, of every person trying to prove that they have been assaulted. How could they go through this insanity and make our family go through hell.
Police have no interest in us at all. I feel dirty and humiliated. My hubby is traumatised. People, this is NOT on. I haven't spoken to the police officers in relation to the consequences re: false claims. I have not interest in having anything to do with this psycho.