Hi IM's,
Just wondering what is today's standards of gift and RSVP etiquette. I was always raised to RSVP on time and unless major crisis you would attend if you had RSVP'd yes. I was also raised to believe that if you are invited to share and celebrate a special occasion regardless of attending you should send a gift or card depending on the occassion. And thank you cards after a party were always a must!
So why am I asking???? we recently had our son's first birthday. We had had a few RSVP yes and not show (roughly 10 people all up - for various reasons). Some still gave gifts others didn't.
When I think back over the past year about things we have been invited too (birthdays, engagements,weddings etc) regardless if we could attend we always sent a card and gift. But its not always reciprocated....
I totally respect money is tight for most people these days... so I'm just wondering has gift giving and RSVP etiquette change??? what do you do???
29 Replies
Different families have different etiquette that's all. Personally I never ever expect presents from people even if they do show up. Ever hear that saying your presence is important to us but your presents aren't??
Presents are fun but I never invite someone expecting a present. I invite them because I'd like to see them!
If I've already bought a present for someone and then at the last minute can't make it (illness or whatever) then at some point I will get the present to them, otherwise I don't buy them a present and would NEVER expect a no show to give me a present.
Hi, thanks for your reply.I have heard of the saying. I should have stated when I say gifts it can range from store bought stuff to making the birthday cake or even a quilt (something I'm doing at the moment)... I always ask what people need or want and try to accommodate. I was more asking from the point of what is EXPECTED FROM ME especially about if I should keep giving gifts even if we can't attend. I am I giving too much???
Yes i wouldnt expect a gift from a no show. I would only give a gift if i didnt attend if its a very close friend or family member and it feels right.
I would never expect a gift ever.
Rsvp is a different issue.
For kids parties it seems to becoming common for people not to, frustrating as it is. Personally i do, and if we cant come at last minute would text an apology.
No thank you cards except perhaps big adult dos like a wedding.
Thanks for your reply.
Sorry I should have clarified with everyone... I wasn;t meaning to come across as that I expect gifts, it was more of a WHAT IS EXPECTED OF/FROM ME?
Its definitely not expected. I personally cant afford to buy every kid a present so only buy for parties they go to and best friends kids. As my kids grow up they will probably have close friends and thats who we will gift to.
Thanks!
Here is my test:
Can I afford to do it?
Do I have time to do it?
Do I ENJOY doing it?
If you answered yes to all of those then keep doing it, if you ar saying no, then stop! It could also be a case by case basis. For example if it's my sisters birthday I will go to ,ore trouble than if it's a cousin who I only see once a year.
Thanks!
I love the questions idea.... something I will try to use in the future. Xx
Yep, no thank you cards except for after a wedding and even then I wouldn't care two hoots if I didn't get one.
Thanks for the advice :)
I don't have the money to attend every function I am invited to, I don't have the money to buy gifts for people either. I live in a tight budget. I get mail and I put it down. My children take said mail and destroy it or loose it. I then cannot respond to the RSVP and then I'm seen as the bad person because I haven't responded. I have 3 kids and 2 of them have Autism. Anything I put in a safe place or what I think is a safe place can still manage to be taken by my kids. Then I don't have details, I don't have any idea what I or who I need to rsvp to and I don't have the time or energy to chase them up. God I havent had a holiday in years. I won't have a holiday in years. So I guess what I am saying is that you shouldn't expect it. If they haven't RSVP'd then they aren't going to make it. If you have the cash to splash out and buy something for everyone good on you. But a lot of people don't. I wish I did, I wish I had more than $100 extra a fortnight to spend on me and my kids let alone anyone else. That's all high society and rich people stuff .
WOW.... I'm sorry that you feel that is "all high society and rich people stuff" that's really judgemental! but regardless thank you for your reply.
At first I wasn't going to acknowledge your post... and after I stopped feeling angry I really just feel sad for you... truth be told the thing is you don't know me.... you dont whether I'm a single mum, with a partner, my financial status or even my life story. and you don't need to know. But what you do need to know is I WASNT saying I expect it... I was asking WHAT WAS EXPECT OF ME?
Making the assumption if someone doesn't RSVP means they're not coming and then they do turn up... would you suggest saying sorry I didnt cater for you... you cant eat? I wasn't asking for assumptions just people expectations.
Also, and I REALLY HOPE YOU HEAR THIS FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART.... If you are struggling anf need a break there are places out there that can help with respite. if you follow Constance Hall she posted yester about her experience and the response form a health profession "no I don't think you are, I think your just lacking support. Do you realise that your not supposed to be doing this on your own? We are all supposed to be doing this together, we need to bring the village back, if that women had have come and strapped Arlo in while you went to grab Billie-Violet you wouldn't be feeling like a failure at all you would be feeling like a member of a community, an extended family that all have each other. I don't think your depressed, I think you just need your village." ....
I think you need a holiday... time to energiser yourself... that might just mean a glass of wine in a bubble bath rather than an overseas trip... but it sounds like you need support... if you want support even just to vent I'm willing to listen but just don't judge what you don't know.... lets be a true IM village. xx
I see where this lady is coming from, you sound way OTT with gift giving and your response was too. If you don't go, you don't give a gift (E.g. school friends who you don't know), unless it is close family or an important milestone. Honestly, some common sense is all that is required. This posts comes across to me as one of those bragging posts: I was raised......, I do .........
I think the OP has hit the nail on head here. No-one knows her life story so to judge her problem as “high society and rich people stuff” is a bit uncalled for especially when all she’s looking for is responses in line with what we believe is expected of us these days in regards to gift giving and RSVP’s/attending. purely personal expectations of ourselves and others. Not an explanation about how hard one persons life is vs someone else they don’t know. What would have been an on topic reply might have been that as a mum of 3 kids she can’t really afford to buy gifts regardless of whether she’s attending or not and that she finds it hard RSVPíng on time and often doesn’t, thinking that no response is pretty much a no I won’t be there. Mail handling practises, Autism, holidays – as hard as it seems to be for this mumma at the moment, was any of it really relevant or just a mis-aimed rant towards a mum asking for advice?
I think the ops response was beautiful, kind and supportive and everybody on this thread should take a leaf from her - theres no reason totake shots at someone over this topic!
To the 2 IMs - Thank you for your kind words and support. Xx
To the IM who thinks my gift giving is OTT and I'm not using common sense....Thanks for your response... BUT
I'm curious- so I'm going to ask and hope you respond, as I would like to understand your view better....
When the IM page is about sharing our experiences and differences regardless of what they might be.... such as I might be raised differently to you.... how is this bragging???? Bragging in my eyes would be saying something like hay IM's I'm a a trillion air, how much money is ok to spend on gifts? or something completely ridiculous....Bragging by definition is about demeaning others because you believe that you are better than someone....
I was simply saying this is what I was taught and asking is it in line with what our society expects these days, as I was noticing difference in how my circle of friends and family respond..... at the end of the day it really was just a question about changing societies values and again WHAT IS EXPECTED OF ME. What do you teach your kid(s) about gift giving and RSVP'ing etiquette?
And lastly about the common sense thing... when I read that its implying to me that you know better than me and that I SHOULD KNOW WHAT TO DO.... here is the thing I AM A PROUD AND LOUD IMPERFECT MUM and I don't know everything.... that's why a asked, that's why this IM village is here... I just hope that if you ever reply to another IM's response with "common sense" that she also has the strength and courage to stand up and say HAY THAT'S WHY I'M ASKING COS I'M AN IM!!!! and I wish that if you ever post a question or need help that no one ever belittles you and tells you that's its COMMON SENSE.
The best thing is life is admitting you don't know everything and asking for help/guidance... now thats common sense! XX
I am responding! Everything you said is correct but lastnight I felt empathy towards the lady that responded and was hoping that when she came back and read your well intentioned, but most probably badly received response, complete with caps lock, she would see my support and agreeance with her. I truly didn't see her comment about the rich as a personal insult as you did, I just saw her calling it as she saw it! The subscribers of this forum come from an array of differing socio economic statuses which can sometimes cause miscommunications. Yes, you are indeed correct, common sense is subjective and I apologise for that.
Thanks for responding :) Sorry it took me a while to get back here.
Also thank you for your apology regarding the common sense comment.
I can see its really important for you to stress the socioeconomic status concerns... but like I said to the stress out mumma, you don't know my background, that includes socioeconomic status. Any difference between two people can cause a misunderstanding. to attribute this to a difference in socioeconomic status is a little misguided. I'm not going to disclose what my status is as this topic doesn't need that to be a defining factor as to whether or not I am allowed ask this question. It was purely a question of what are today's standards and etiquette.
The last thing I want to leave you with is this.... we both tried to offer empathy to that stressed out and overwhelmed mumma. One thing if she comes back a reads this I hope she sees two IM's trying to show support in our own way. I never berated her situation or judged her, I offered support for someone to vent to. I just asked that she not judge me. From your posts I can see you are asking me to better understand her socioecominc status and I know that your post was with best intentions to offer that mumma empathy. BUT did it have to come at the cost of dismissing my background? Calling it a bragging post is hurtful and here is why... You don't know my history, If I've experience truama/abuse/loss and grief/financial hardship/my education status etc. All my OP told you was that I'm an IM with a 1 year old and something I have learnt over the years. How I got to this stage in life you don't know.... if a an abuser said to you but i learnt to hurt others... would you tell them they are bragging? I would like to think not. As IM's we need to be careful, empathy should never come at the cost of dismissing someone elses journey, just because two view points are different. If you feel that you need to put someone down to make someone else or yourself feel better or to show empathy... its not really empathy. In fact if kids did this at school it would be called bullying. I DONT THINK YOU ARE BULLY. I'm stressing this I DONT THINK YOUR ARE. I can truely see you were trying to support that stressed out mumma.... just please don't do that at the cost of belittling me when you don't know me.
At the end of the day you don't need to like me, but respect that I have feelings and my own story
however different or similar it is to yours.
Take care xx
Personally I would just evaluate my relationships with the people whom I am gift giving, are they family? Close friends? Work colleague and the occasion and delivery of gift ( will you see them and be able to give directly or will you have to post it), I personally don't as I feel I don't send a box or chocolates or bottle of wine to every dinner I've been invited to and declined so ( but in saying that family birthdays ect or weddings and baby arrivals I do) but that's more to do with living rural and the cost of postage, I think if it makes you happy then do it if they are dear to you. but I must admit rsvp's who don't reply or say no but show up drive me mental lol
Thanks for your reply.... we live rural too so I guess in away I feel connect if we send stuff. Im not going to lie it does hurt though when its not reciprocated from family.
Glad too know I'm not the only one who goes mental over RSVPs lol
I ALWAYS rsvp by the date. But if I'm unsure if I'll be able to make it, I ALWAYS keep the person updated.
I hate when people don't rsvp.
I'm currently organising my sons 1st birthday, sent a detailed Facebook message to those invited (FB is main source of contact), everyone has seen the message, only 2 people have bothered to even respond or acknowledge the message.
As for gifts, I don't expect them for my sons, but it certainly is appreciated when gifts are given.
Do I send "thank you's" out? No. I thank them on the day as they're leaving. Think of the money you're wasting. They're just going to throw it in the bin two seconds after reading it. I also post a thank you on Facebook.
And no. You don't have to send a present to someone if you aren't attending the party.
Unless they're a really close family /friend.
If people expect gifts, they're not the type of people you need in your life.
Thanks for your response :)
I'm not much of a FB user.... so please forgive my ignorance but can I ask.... I have noticed a few friends of mine have done the same thing.... what are the pros of using FB invites verse sending invitations? Do you miss writing the invites out, planning them etc??? even as I type this I feel like I'm ageing myself LOL I'm only 30 but do you miss the "magic" of sending of a letter and receiving mail or a response.... I'm I just too nostalgic? Do people perceive a different level of thought and effort to FB invite verse written.... am I just over thinking things??? LOL Sorry loaded question???
I hope to hear from you Xx
My personal standards are that if I RSVP I'm there, come hell or high water. Generally if it's an RSVP event it's got travel involved but for an engagement or wedding I'm going to do everything in my power to be there. None of my loved ones care if I'm a little late confirming (with some notice of course that I'm still stuck trying to make it work) due to trying to juggle everything to make the planets align in my favour lol but I try to have RSVP's done on time and always always always turn up on time, if not earlier. If I'm invited and can't go, no gift unless it's a wedding. The only gift I buy every year regardless of whether or not I see her is my best friend for her birthday and Christmas and I either post it to her or wait until she flys home and I drive the 5 hours to take it to her. I've never done thank you cards nor received one, although I have posted on FB to thank people that have attended occasions we've hosted (house-warming party, sons 18th etc). I personally don't do 1st or 2nd birthdays, for us this was an event spent with just immediate family ie, parents, grandparents and the aunts and uncles still living at home with said grandparents. We drove to their farm and took a cake. If you're happy doing what you do but find it a bit one sided sometimes, take note of those who also send a gift if they aren't attending and those that don't and reciprocate in kind. I don't know if how I do things would even be considered the norm these days either but I think it would be closer to the standard many of your circle are more familiar with.
Thank you so much for your response! I think from what you have kindly shared you are I are similar in the RSVP/Gift giving thought department to me :)
Can I please ask... Have you have ever just reciprocated in kind??? Do you worry that people will think you're only doing it to also receive???
When I think of our family situation.... hubby's side is VERY different to mine re gift giving. I'm not going to lie I'm actually really angry at this point of time with them... long story short... our bub is the last in the family of 10 nieces and nephews... we have always given Easter, Christmas and birthday gifts every year for each child to date.... it wasn't until Easter this year when we all caught up and we gave out the gifts and our bub didn't receive one that one of my SIL said that her and my other SIL had decided they dont want to do it anymore due to money as there are so many nieces and nephews now... NOTHING.... NOT EASTER, NOT CHRISTMAS, NOT BIRTHDAYS....
I get the finanical side of things, I really do... Hubby wasn't happy either.... we have decided to continue to gift give our nieces and nephews unitl they all reach a certain age.... but how do we achieve that in a way that doesn't look like we want something... we truely believ in the magic of gift giving and thats what we want to share.... what do you think? Xx
Kids. I have the view that for the most part parents are responsible for supplying the gifts they want their kids to receive. If we go to a birthday party I buy books for presents, if we don't go we don't buy a gift (his side of the family is growing at an alarming rate, I'd need another full-time job for presents). Easter, my son gets an Easter gift, I also buy a big tub of basic chocolate eggs and any kid I see over the Easter weekend gets to pick from the eggs, any left over sit on my desk at work and I throw them at people as they walk in the door (in October I buy for trick or treaters too, same thing, if no-one comes I peg lolly eyeballs and gummy vampire fangs at office workers). Christmas is the exception. Everyone under the age of 18 gets a Christmas present regardless and if we see them on the day this includes our friends' kids. But there's a $20 limit for most and even $5 for some depending on family dynamics, many of these families are unemployed or have bigger families on one income so I never want to be the one trumping the Christmas that mum and dad can afford for their own kids. I shop heavily at sales though and buy a lot online so that 5-20 bucks can go a long way to getting something pretty substantial. In this instance I can't really mind if they don't buy my son a gift, if they can't afford it I'd rather they spend that money on their own kids and even if they can, hell it's not the kids fault.
Oh, I should add that to mask the fact that our son wasn't getting presents when others were (ie we were giving them but he wasn't getting), we just did Christmas morning at home. The three of us would open our presents at home and he has for a long time received a fair number of gifts including some expensive ones so he's not been missing out over the years by any means. That way when we joined up with everyone else there was no circle of gift giving that highlighted he wasn't getting more presents, as far as he was concerned presents were done and dusted, he was off playing or swimming in the pool amidst an army of children. At this point I'd hunt down the other kids and give them their gift from us and if he was head-hunted for a gift from someone else it was a bonus for him.
Thanks for responding! :) That is awesome... definitely like to office tip! xx
I wish I worked in your office lol