I’m hoping for some advice on my situation.
I am the eldest of four and the only girl amongst my siblings. For a period of time I lived internationally and interstate and returned to my home town with my husband and son 6 years ago. The main reason for this move was to be close to my parents and siblings and have a support system as we grew our family.
I have noticed over time as my parents have gotten older and had various health related problems that my relationship with them is not as close as it was. After having four children and all of us getting married and have our own kids, they always talk about how great it is to have an empty nest and how much they enjoy each other. I’m ok with that, as I am sure I’ll enjoy having time with my husband when our sons leave home too. They have become completely insular though, my mum more so. Dad is her world, Mum is dad’s world and the ‘kids are off our hands completely’. On a regular basis I used to pop over with my sons on the weekend for a visit. There are always conditions. The kids can’t touch the plants, or sit on the furniture…my sons actually get in the car to go home and ask questions like ‘why are we always told off?’.
Mum says things to me like:
‘I’ve made you the executor of the will, there are very specific instructions on what you need to do around money/life support if one of us goes’
‘When your dad dies, don’t expect me to be around for much longer after he goes. There are ways I can finish things’
‘You don’t understand your father, I do. There is a reason he is like he is’
In the past my parents have been very critical over all aspects of my life: around my choice of husband, how we parent, the amount of hours I work. I’d say I am a very sensitive person but have an objective view of things. At some point last year I decided I would set more clear boundaries. I am respectful and never raise my voice, but this is my life and my family and I won’t be taking your criticisms on board. This has really ruffled my mum. So she has completed backed off as she has realised there is no power over me anymore.
I never had grandparents growing up and was really looking forward to my sons having them. My inlaws live in London and they are the opposite of my parents, they would live with us 24/7 if we lived in the UK.
I decided a few weeks ago that I would stop the visits, because I wasn’t feeling great after going and my sons would be a little out of sorts. I thought, let mum and dad contact me. But they don’t. It is upsetting and they wouldn’t even realise I feel the way I do.
I’m completely frazzled around this. I am taking our family back to the UK for six weeks at Xmas for my sons to spend it with their other grandparents. My parents have barely mentioned the trip and I am dreading ringing on Xmas day to wish them a happy day.
Any advice? Am I doing the right thing?
3 Replies
How old are your parents? My grandparents have all started behaving this way as they have aged. It's very very normal. Some people hit this stage before others.
My parents luckily are very young age wise and mentally so I have a while yet before they get this way.
My grandmother for example used to dote on her grandkids and want to spend time with them as much as possible. Now she can't tolerate kids touching anything, or kids being silly at all.
My dads parents got to that point way earlier than my mums.
My mum is 64 and my dad has just turned 70. I understand that relationships with parents change as you get older and the apron string is cut to a certain extent. I would think though that you never stop being a parent though?
Not true at all. At a certain point You become the parent!
My parents are now parenting there parents. I will eventually have to parent them at some point.
My sister and my BIL parent her parents to an extent already. For some people that comes earlier than others. For example my sisters in laws are the same age as your parents and they need to do ALL the work to maintain the relationship.
So although I think your parents might be hitting this phase earlier than a lot of people it's very very common.