Apologies for the novel, this has been on going for a while, longer than I'd care to admit quite frankly. My husband and I have been together for 16 years, married for 10. We have 3 kids aged 8-13. He has been a heavy drinker from the start, I have had my times of drinking in our many years together too. It has been really bad for about 5 years. I have had to deal with bullying, intimidation, and generally being frightened and walking on eggshells, myself and our kids. Earlier this year,on one of his usual alcohol fuelled intimidating rants at me (just me this time) he was angry,swearing & blaming me for not checking the work the TV repair man had done when reconnecting the Foxtel box. Apparently I should have checked it before he left. Once again I was getting the blame for something and he was being totally unreasonable and being aggressive and swearing. I asked him calmly to stop swearing & calm down in front of our 2 youngest, he got worse until I raised my voice and him to go away & calm down. His response was "or what!!!" **insert palms up, gesturing fingers to say 'bring it'..mature I know. I walked out of the room to get him to follow me away from the kids, which he did, but then dropped the 'C-bomb, (I hate that word!!!) so I pulled my kids away from their dinner,& walked out to our neighbours until he calmed down. That was a turning point for me. Since then I have been seeing a Psychologist. With her help I wrote him a letter which took me 6 weeks to build up the courage to leave for him one weekend he was home alone. He never even acknowledged that he had read it, but upon my return I discovered he had. The letter covered things not being right, the bad examples for our kids, asking him/us to get help & that I was willing to work on it/be there for him. After 3 weeks I built up enough courage again to ask him if we were "going to talk about the letter I left him" his only response was "I don't' know what you want me to say...x2". I was heartbroken. I had really hoped we could have talked about it, especially considering the seriousness of the contents & troubles .He had in this time, however, made considerable effort in reducing his drinking & trying to be more patient with the kids & I. I decided that just because he wasn't doing it "my way' that was ok & we would see how things would progress. He has never escalated to the level of that night, but he did regress & I had an awful night with him being sexually pushy and then getting aggressive with me (not physically, thankfully)....but enough that I (finally) decided it was time for me to talk to him face-to-face.To say I was shitting myself was an understatement, but I know it had to be done for my kids & myself. I did it!! I was so proud of myself. But he never said a word the entire time. I told him it was obvious we were both unhappy & it couldn't go on, that we weren't teaching our children what a healthy relationship was, that he would be heartbroken if he knew how scared the kids were of him, & the things they told me. How I had lost a lot of trust. And I asked him if he did want to save 'us', to be willing to go & get help for his anger & alcoholism, & together & as a family to get some counselling. When I asked him (after a long silence) if he wanted some time to consider his response, I got. "I spose". That was it. Recently he has been trying really hard and been awesome. He has cut his drinking right back, helps out more, more patient with the kids. So I ask him... 'is the recent effort & change because of our talk the other night, because I couldn't tell if you were wide eyed with rage & anger or shock & sadness. He said "a bit of both I spose, you KNOW why I'm unhappy, its the state of this place all the time & the things that don't do & you letting the damn cat on the bed! Why would I pay someone money to tell us the things that I've been telling you for AGES" I was so upset, I told him that my psych told me that no matter how messy I am, or what I do or don't do, the kids and I never deserve the treatment we were getting. I told him a lot of people wouldn't still be here! I think that upset and shocked him as I was crying by this stage. Now the effort continues and he's much milder in manner and mood. But when I notice him have more than one drink etc I feel anxious as if I'm waiting for the explosion. I truly believe he has depression and or anxiety, (he has stuck with me through going through both of them myself for years now). I really do love my husband, but I'm not sure what to do from here. Is this the last chance? How many ways can I ask him to get help? I am! I have no income and no idea where to go and how to do it if I do need to get out. (I can't stay here, complications with his family).. Am I being unreasonable or should this be the last chance? According to my psych he has been conditioning me in the past to not leave by saying things like "If you every leave, you'll be going without the kids" or "of course you'll leave, its always in your mind because that's what your parents did" or "if we ever separate, you'll have to be the one to do it" I know you all probably think I'm a coward for not doing something sooner., but thanks for your time and sorry for flabbering on so much. I'd appreciate any advice. Thanks.
Should this be the last chance, and where do I go from here?
Should this be the last chance, and where do I go from here?
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Behaviour
5 Replies
I definitely don't think you're a coward for not doing anything earlier. These kinds of relationships are just like that, it's extremely hard to leave. Especially when you note he is trying to change.
I personally think he does have some sort of mental illness. He's trying to change but it's too much for him on his own and he feels like it's weak for him to get help. But you need to give him the ultimatum of professional help or you leaving. Your psychologist will be able to tell you if it's worth working on. They really do sometik3s tell people "sorry but I don't see it getting better" And help you separate. It's a common misconception thst they always help couples work it out together.
If the therapy doesn't work then contact centrelink get the help you need to leave and rent a place of your own. I would try to put away money bit by bit now so you have some for when you leave. But you won't be able to move more than 2 hours away from your husband unfortunately. The only way you'll be able to go further is a court order or his agreement which it doesn't sound like he will make.
Good luck. You're a strong woman and have done a lot to help this man already. I personally think there's something to save if he gets the help but I don't know him or you to say for sure.
Until he can be honest with you and stops drinking 100% and is receiving treatment you shouldn't be in the house with the kids. He is a ticking time bomb ready to explode. He needs professional help to get better.
Sorry but he is on his best behaviour for now. You owe it to your kids to stop giving him chances. If you feel scared about him having one drink, how do you think your kids feel?
I cant give advise on this, as i was a child of an abusive and alcoholic father. Therefore my advise is probably a bit too biased.
However i just wanted to say, you arent a coward, you are Amazing! I really hope you and your family can get the help and peace you need and deserve. I wish you the absolute best!
I could have written this. We've been married for 12 yeas. I don't have a whole lot of advice to give you because well I'm in the same position really but I did want you to know you're not alone. He recently stopped drinking after.. well after a lot of years. 2 and a half months sober! I got my husband back! We were happy again! I'd so missed the sober man he once was and we were getting along great! Until I had a night out with the girls a weeks ago. I found he'd bought a 6 pack of scotch for while I was out. After all if I was going out drinking, he was entitled To a few wasn't he?? He did only drink 2 that night so I know he was ok. But the 6 pack is now gone as well as 2 beers that were left behind by a visitor a while back. I know he had 2 today after work. I'm terrified it will go back to how it was. This is how it starts again every time. So I feel like a coward too. I'm scared to talk about it with him, it's taboo now. If I bring it up at all, I'm frightened it will come back full throttle. I've said one last chance so many times. But I'm stronger than I was. I know I am. I know the kids and I are worth so much more than what the pisshead hubby brought to us and I refuse to go back to that again. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt but as the daughter of an alcoholic too I know it doesn't change and I refuse to let my kids think its ok anymore. So stand strong mumma, feel me standing beside you. Your sister in solidarity. I will be thinking of you and sending you strength and love and I hope it works out as you want it to and that you find the happiness that I too am looking for. Xx
Thank you for your words. I am surprised how many woman are going thru similar or worse. I feel for you, especially, as you say, we are going thru similar things. I appreciate your affirmations of strength and I send the same back to you. With Xmas this close I am waiting now. I feel so done! But I am scared..... but I really gotta wonder what the heck its gotta take for me to say 'that does it!!'. Strength and love to you too. I hope your futurebis bright..