I'm having trouble with my mum and I have no idea how to fix this. She hates my partner ... She accuses him of being a child molester and she has never even met him. I can't mention him in conversation or she starts ranting about how I shouldn't leave my daughter alone with him and how child molesters are good at entwining themselves into single mothers lives. She hasn't met the guy!!
I've been with him for a year, he adores me and my daughter (shes nearly 3 and just started calling him dad) and I've honestly never dated someone who treats me with so much respect and consideration. In the year we've been together he has never gotten short with me or given me attitude, he is such a calming force in my life and he supports me unconditionally. I've never dated someone that I respect so much and he's been really good and not letting me rush things. He works hard, makes a good salary, doesn't drink or smoke... He just works, goes to the gym and spends time with us. He pushes me to achieve my goals in a way I've honestly never had before. Our personalities go together perfectly, we have the same humour, love the same food, both go to bed early and wake up early, have similar views spiritually and politically, we give each other a lot of space because we're both busy but when we're together it's quality time together.
I admit I have made some bad choices in the past ... Before I found out I was pregnant I partied a lot and didn't take my life very seriously but that all changed the moment my pregnancy test came back positive. Every decision I have made since has improved my position.
My mum has always had this kind of reaction to anyone I've ever had in my life... Friends/partners/work colleagues. In highschool she told me I wasn't allowed to be friends with my bestie anymore because she was "bad for me", up until that point I was a good student, never got into trouble and would sit in the library reading Harry Potter books with this girl! My best friend of 10 years isn't allowed to know where she lives Because she's afraid that she'll come back later and steal all her things (even though she's from a very affluent family and grew up in Vaucluse) my mum actually refused to go to my daughters 1st birthday party because my best friend would be there. Again, she hasn't even met her and I'm not allowed to speak about her in front of my mum.
This rejection of people I'm involved with sort of sets me up for failure ... She's not like that with either of my sisters. They were always allowed to have their friends over and their boyfriends are allowed to family gatherings, she treats them like they're part of the family. They have made equally as bad choices as me but it feels like she ignores that fact. My sisters have met my boyfriend and they like him, they also think it's ridiculous that she's so fixated on the idea that he's a pedophile :( my birthday is coming up and I'd love to have all my favourite people there but I'm afraid that my mum will refuse to come if she thinks she'll have to meet him.
I've tried talking to her calmly about it but she just goes off the deep end and gets really fired up, from my work I do I'm quite good at staying calm in these situations but she won't be reasonable ...
Has anyone else had any experience dealing with someone like this and have any strategies I can use? I'm so embarrassed and I don't know how to explain the situation to my partner... I saw a counsellor for years and she kept telling me I should leave my mum out of my life but I've tried that and i get really upset because I love her
9 Replies
I would take your councellors advice on this one. No offence but your mum sounds bat shit crazy. I would be cutting her out until she learns some respect for your decisions and friends. Your poor partner and best friend! If you can't do that I would invite her to functions with her full knowledge knowing the others will be attending. Don't indulge her in conversation about them and cut her off quickly if she starts ranting. She can either act like a idiot and not attend then miss out important milestones in you and your daughters life or she can learn to be an adult and give people a go.
I think I might do this ... Invite her to thinks and be fully open about who will be there until she at least meets him.
I don't have any solutions for you, I'm sorry. I just wanted to point out that your mum is making a CHOICE to act like this. She doesn't do it to anyone else, only to you. And you have tried to get her to stop. She is choosing to belittle you for your choices in friends and partner and she's making you feel horrible about the whole situation. Your mum sounds really mean. Maybe you could see a counsellor again for some more clarity?
If a man was abusing you this way would you stay in the relationship? Time to cut her out. Love isn't allowing someone to treat you like sh*t
This might sound absolutely crazy, but were you molested as a child? Maybe even as a baby? And have no memory of it? So she has spent her life trying to know protect you? I don't know, like I said it's a crazy thought, but I guess it would make some sort of sense.
I don't think I was but actually now that you mention it she told me a story about this guy she grew up with. My uncle's fiancé died in a car accident and her brother was left mentally handicapped so uncle spend a lot of time with him, treating him like a brother.
This handicapped guy grew up with my mum and all her friends and they all lived on the same block... He would go from house to house just hanging with everyone and would offer to babysit all the time. My mum said she never let him because she didn't trust that he would be capable of handling any emergencies but other people would allow it.
Years down the track it came out that he molested about 11 children and he's now in a special care facility for people like him.
.... You're right, it would explain a lot why she's so batshit crazy with me and not my sisters. ? She keeps saying things like "if I'm wrong about your boyfriend then it's fine but if you're wrong then it can't be undone"
I really don't think i was but she was right in the middle of that situation so I understand her paranoia.
I can completely understand if what you say about you last post is correct. In my family i have some ppl that wont talk to others on special occasions or parties i invite everyone am open about saying everyone is invited and then the choice is theirs is they dont want to come. You cant be blamed.
You are never going to please your mum, shes always going to put you down if you want a relationship witj here you need to set the rules and boundaries for her, ask yourself do you want your child to be influenced by your mum do you want her to feel the way you do? Best of luck dont let anyone destroy your happiness
It does sound like she's got some mental health paranoid thing going on and it's toxic for you because you do care what she thinks . I understand you not wanting to cut her out completely but maybe it's about getting your head around the fact that she is choosing these things and although you miss out too because you'd like it to be different really it's her loss because her presence sounds like it's actually damaging to you not a positive :-/
My husbands mum has mental health stuff going on and she's awful to him (so is his dad but that's another story ) an example : just recently his brother was in icu almost died , and his mum told his other brother not to tell him , his brother ignored their mum and told my husband and my hubby went in to visit at the hospital . His mum cracked it and told the one in hospital that she would now not come back to visit because he was glad my hubby had come in to see him ! She also didn't attend our daughters 1st birthday and /or baby shower and continues to bitch to her family about him behind his back and he really has done NOTHING wrong !! We've told her out right that her behaviour is hurtful and asked her in every possible way what we've done but her main reason is that we aren't talking to his dad . They are separated anyway and his dad is an abusive alcoholic .....
Anyway we've had to come to a place where we still invite her to things so that we continue to
Let her know that the door is open should she choose to come in but we make no other effort because it only brings us down and hurts is more . Your partner sounds wonderful !! Please ignore your mums judgement and continue with your life your building he sounds wonderful ! Unless there is a police history Any reason at all to suspect he has tried anything before then continue to trust him .
It sounds like she's always been a negative voice in your head so tread lightly . Maybe keep some distance for a while . If you do choose to invite her and If she makes any comment again I'd just say 'if you have evidence of your accusation then show me . Other wise meet him , and be a part of our lives or don't. That's your choice.'
Good luck mumma !