Right now I'm sitting in my car scoffing down a packet of m&ms sculling a can of coke and contemplating where I went and who the hell am I even. I don't know anymore. Have I ever known? I'm so absorbed in my dreams which I never get any closer too. I'm nearly 30 I have a 9 year old, a partner and I live with my parents. I focused all of my time and energies into gaining experience in things that will never land me success in a job or even just a job. I never knew "what I wanted to be when I grew up" I was pregnant before I lived and experienced the world. I was a terrible barely there mother for the first year on my sons life. By the time he was two I was focused on being a house wife and good mother. I didn't do anything with my life. Then I found someone fantastic, someone I really connected with had a whole lot of fun with and felt content just existing with him. My son worships him like some sort of golden idol. Now we have a failing company which consumes us to the point where I think that's all our relationship is now. I'm not the same person and neither is he. We both feel like we have lost each other and the stresses of work, money and life have stagnated everything. So as I sit here feeling sick from the sugar binge I wonder how do I find myself? How do I be happy? How do I make everything work?
2 Replies
Oh damn!
That's a lot on your plate.
I say enjoy the chocolate.
You're extremely hard on yourself. Most mums are.
From my perspective you're still young. There is plenty of time to achieve any goals you want. I didn't go to uni until I was your age. I graduated at 34. I now have an amazing job that I LOVE and it pays pretty damn good.
I am only on the outside looking at this little snippet but it looks like you've got a lot of stress to deal with. You need to take care of you before you can take care of anyone else.
I am sending you strength.
Best of luck.
Ok I sometimes struggle putting my thoughts into words, so I'm sorry if this completely confuses you and you have no idea what I'm trying to say. I'm a little bit younger then you but feel I have been where your head is now. I think sometimes society puts to much pressure on us to define who we are and what we want to do. We are expected to decide at 17 what we want to "be" for the rest of our lives? We're expected to decide if we want to get married or have kids by 30. We go on first dates thinking "is this the one?". We work too hard during the day, during the week, during the month and sometimes year that we don't take time to sit back and be grateful for what we have achieved so for. It's all about what we don't have. The next day, the next bill, the next vacation and so on. I one day started to try and change my way of thinking, I would get up and push through the day and life's struggles but at the end of the day I would stop and literally take 5 minutes and think to myself what did I do today? I cleaned the house, I worked hard at the office, I had a laugh over coffee with a friend, today was a good day. Then I would do something to unwind and treat myself, even if I had basically no money I would buy a cheap bottle of wine or some chocolate on special and enjoy it. I also think sometimes it's ok to leave tasks for the next day, leave the dishes in a sink of water and take the time and energy and put it into your partner. Talk to him, give each other a back rub. Except that life will never be perfect. you (like myself) sound like a deep thinker and over thinker, and you if you could train yourself to use these thoughts in a positive way then you can achieve happiness. Best of luck