Please help!
My insecurities are ruining my marriage and my life.
I am a very lucky woman, blessed with healthy children, a successful career, and family and friends that love me but I am struggling to shake miserable feelings of worthlessness, inferiority, insecurity and jealousy.
My husband is left having to constantly deal with my insecurities and this just makes me feel even less attractive.
When I 1st started seeing my husband I was very confident and sure of myself and he made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world inside and out. However, my husband had some insecurities of his own and found it difficult to trust me, he also used to drink a lot and this would lead him to be cruel and spiteful towards me at times. He had also lied to me about silly things and I found he had been looking at racy pictures of other women (one was a woman we knew) and watching porn when he said he hadn't (It's the lying about it that I have a problem with).
The fact that he lied about it and other things makes it hard for me to trust him.
He has since made the decision to quit drinking and has been sober for 9mths now and has been a good man and has done his best in the last couple of months to reassure me of his love and the security of our marriage...
But I still feel so caught up at times in mistrust and insecurity that it sucks the fun out of everything and keeps our marriage stalled in the past.
I compare myself to every other woman when we go out together and imagine that he is doing the same and I'm coming 2nd every time.
I know that this is unhealthy and distorted.
I just want to feel like I am enough move forward.
I want to be happy and secure in myself so I can give myself fully and really feel an appreciation for all my blessings.
I am wasting so much and hope that somebody has some words of wisdom that might stick!
Thank you!
5 Replies
I think it's time to go and get counselling to deal with your feelings and perhaps marriage counselling to work together to make your marriage and relationship better.
If you truly want to be happy & secure in yourself then you are going to need to do some hard work on your self esteem and how you respect and love yourself first. It won't be pretty at first as you may not like some of the "stuff" that comes up but it is well worth it. Some self-development books that really helped me along my way include:
*Mastering Your Mean Girl - Melissa Ambrosini
*Light is the New Black - Rebecca Campbell
and some parts of "Don't Let Anything Dull Your Sparkle" and "Assertiveness for Earth Angels" both by Doreen Virtue (these two in particular can be a bit "hippy dippy" in parts so if you're not into that sorta thing just skip to the bits that give practical approaches and information)
I'm also currently reading "50 ways to Yay" by Alexi Panos.
The things with the books is you can't just read them. You have to be willing to actually apply them to your life, do the questions, write down your answers and do the activities. Work through it.
I'm going to tell you a story about my son and myself that might help.
3 years ago my son was diagnosed with a severe illness. It was scary, bloody scary. Thankfully two years of medication and he is finally stable. He is doing so much better and is moving on with his life. I'm stuck in the awful cycle of waiting for the shit to hit the fan again.
I don't ask why you are feeling the way you are, I say of course you are! It's taken me a lot longer to recover from what happened than it's taken my son, because I was left with emotional scars. Now I'm finally starting to catch up but it's taken some coubselling to get me there and it will be a bit longer before I'm fully caught up.
You're insecure because of all the lies he's told you and the things he's been doing such looking at photos of other woman. I have been in the exact same situation. My ex lied, he chatted to women on dating sites. I was confident when I first met him and now I'm very insecure. He manipulated my feelings. Your ex needs to own his part in this and if you both love each other and if he wants the marriage to work then you can both get councelling together and separate. Do it before it's too late and end up like my situation. My ex cheated.
Wow I'm pretty much in exactly the same place right now but in a different situation. We were in a rough place in our marriage at the time and my husband kissed a female work colleague (she apparently kissed him while drunk at a work do) and they texted afterwards where he said he didn't regret it. She said it shouldn't have happened but of course kissed him anyway. He admitted that nothing sexual ever happened but an emotional connection was formed. He went to his mums for the night and I was so uncertain about things that I honestly thought he was going to come home and say he wanted to be with her. But he didn't. He came home and said it was a huge mistake but she was giving him so much attention and and we were in a bad place, and he started to wonder if I loved him anymore. Cop out I know but he said that was honestly how he was feeling. This all happened about 4 months ago. I dream about it, I stalk her Facebook, I check his phone. I've become so insecure that its not me. He's done this to me. He's proven to me that he wants to be here and says he's happy, but of course I doubt it. I've been through to much. But I've coped with it, started making more an effort in the relationship and on myself, regular waxing and hair cuts and buy myself clothes that make me feel good. And it's helped. And if by any means things don't work out with us I know that I haven't let myself go. Best of luck xx