hi ladies, this might long so i do apologize.to cut it shorter we will call my partner john and my nephew sam.
I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.
i have custody of my 13 year old nephew its been that way for almost 2 years, its not an easy job i must admit. but my dilemma is that sam and my john 70% of the time just dont get along.john sometimes wont listen when sam talks to him..they bicker everyday its like they are brothers. if we go to the shop john will just buy our 3 year old something but wo t buy sam anything john expects sam to earn everything..john always ask me why i buy sam so much for birthdays and christmas. i get the sam for both my kids but john says he shouldnt get as much because he isnt ours and hes older (i class sam as my child). i could go on for ages with this but i wont..in saying all this sam isnt innocent either sam wobt listen to john all the time and back chats etc..
its gotten that bad i have had enough took my daughter and we to my aunties house for the day..sometimes i think if i left john everything will be better but then i thought my daughter would be effected..what do i do? i love john but its just so hard.i have tried everythi g to stop it but nothi gs works..so what do i do? please help!!
6 Replies
Your husband needs to grow up! If he didn't want to accept your nephew as his own he shouldn't have agreed to take custody. He is damaging your nephew, and your home is supposed to be your nephews safe haven for whatever happened in his life that brought him into your custody.
I'd be making it clear it is unacceptable to treat a child as less than one of the children. That treating him as a second class child is not on. Have it out with him. If he doesn't get it then you need to make a tough decision. Your nephew did not ask for this situation. He is a child. And it's your job to protect him. If you can't do that then you aren't doing your job.
At the moment your youngest child may not see what her father is doing but it won't be long where she gets and sees and learns that it's ok to treat someone badly. That it's ok to be rude and play favourites to a child.
Tell john to stop being an utter asshole and get off sams case and if he cant show him love and kindness, Better to leave him and have the easy life you deserve. And sam too. You're choosing to have this man around him as an adult male figure.
What was johns attitude when you first took on Sam? I think you took him on and you have a duty of care for him, he's a child and your daughter will be watching both of her parents and learning how you both treat children.
Kick John to the curb and be the family your nephew needs !! He is a child and deserves to be treated like a human! Your husband is a wank and shouldn't be treating your nephew like this!! That poor boy has obviously been through a rough time and just needs love and care.
Kick out John - he's shown his true colours ?
I haven't got mine or my partners niece or nephew living with us but if my partner were to play favorites I'd be saying goodbye.
My partner once did it unknowingly with his nephew, except he favored his nephew over our son because he runs a family business and spends 90% of his time at work with his nephew.
I packed my stuff that night and said goodbye.
Yes, we worked it out, but now if he is in a room with his nephew, my niece and our son it's all 100% equal. If one child does it, all of them do it. If one is in trouble for something and another does it, they're both in trouble.
If my partner were again to play favorites, regardless of whether he was favoring our child or someone else's, I'd pack up and leave. No child is more important than any other child. My childs safety, health and happiness is just as important as your childs and your nephews. If he can't be an adult and realise that, I would personally leave.
You may love him, but how would you feel if you were your nephew?
There's obviously a reason why your nephew is living with you, he is probably already damaged, feels unloved and alone. Do not let your partner make him doubt his self worth more than he probably already does.
Can I just say I 100% agree with everything that has already been said.
I'd just like to add that no wonder Sam back chats and doesn't listen to John, he's a kid who is being treated very poorly, he's going to act out! You can make all the excuses under the sun, the fact is, John is the adult here and he needs to start acting like one!
The teenage years are difficult and Sam is going to be pushing boundaries and exploring what it means to be a man. There are many great books out there, but I'd suggest starting with "Raising Boys" (Steve Biddulph).
One thing you're going to find in there, John is going to need to show Sam how to man-up, and that means taking responsibility. There is nothing wrong with asking a 13yr old to start earning some pocket money and not expect to be given things like a 3yr old. You will also need to step back a bit and stop mothering them both, let them work out their own issues - with respect, and with boundaries, and with a list of expected responsibilities. You and John need to get on the same page and have a set of rules that you both follow. Lay down some house-rules and a list of chores and expectations. Work out a fair amount of pocket money for Sam and teach him to save for things he wants. Then as your daughter gets older you can set the same rules for her. Good luck!