Hi sisters,
I have recently been very resentful of my stepson. I know-how awful and horrible of me! But it is not on purpose and not abusive or harmful towards him at all. So here's a bit of background... I have been with my partner for 3 years and we have a child together and both have 1 each from previous relationships. I raised my 14 year old pretty much on my own with no support ar all from her dad. So I lived a life with no restrictions, eg, court orders and thise types of constraints. Whereas he has had his life dictated by his ex wife even til this very day. No, he won't do anything about. No, he won't ask if he can come with us. We have him every weekend and all of school holidays as it is. He use to have to go to her ex husbands 4 days per week, so she could have a break, but that has recently stopped.Now I am stuck in a predicament where I would like to move for a job offer and a fresh new start, but, he will not move. I have never had any one stop me from doing whatever I wanted in life. I can understand why and how hard it would be to not see his son as much as he does now, but he would still see him and get him for school holidays. The distance is from Cairns to the Gold Coast.This amongst other things that has to do with his mum has turned to resentment directed at my stepson. Everytime I hear his name, hear his voice, look at him I just can't stand him...I hide in my room or just completely ignore him. This isn't me! I have so much live for this child, it just consumes me with having no control over how I feel! Is this normal? Will it pass?
Stepchild resentment
Stepchild resentment
Posted in:
Parenthood Guilt, Kids
9 Replies
I don't envy you being a step parent, I think it's one of the hardest things around.
I think you need to turn this around though in your mind. This child did not ask for this life. How would you feel being told you could only see your child school holidays? I think you'd be furious.
How would you feel being the child that's left behind? Don't worry we still love you and we will see you at school holidays?
You are resenting a child who did not choose this family situation. He did not choose to have separated parents, he did not choose to have his dad repartner. The adults in his life chose this situation. All three adults. Mum, Dad and You. So you are resenting the one person who had absolutely no choice to be involved in all this.
I think it's totally normal to grieve a missed opportunity. Totally get that. I had to give up my beloved career when my son became very ill. I can't resent him for it, because it wasn't deliberate. It was out of his control. I have sympathy for my son, but I also grieve my loss. But I can't resent him.
I totally agree with what you are saying. I know this isn't the childs fault at all and I am beside myself that I have these feelings projected at him. I am aware of everything and thankful for the life we all live. I just needed to vent and reassure myself that these feelings will pass and we will all find our happy place together. I wish you all the best for you and your son x
Thank you, I'm sure these feelings for you will pass and a vent always makes us feel better.
I really feel for you, I also like to be as free as a bird, but now the kids are in school, I feel a little stuck. Claustrophobic! So I get where you see coming from. I also have kids who go to their fathers and are ignored by the step mum and if you think it's not affecting him, believe me you are wrong. Kids are very perceptive and I have no doubt he would have picked up on your feelings, despite you trying to hide it. I am sorry but you chose to be with this guy, have a child with him, it's not on anyone but you. I am soooo scared of losing my own freedom, that I would be very careful who I settle with. It doesn't mean your feelings aren't valid, you are just directing them at the wrong person. How old is the child?try to find comfort in the fact that he will be an adult in xxx years and you and your partner can start your adventures then. Chin up, your time will come.
I wouldn't see this as an issue of control or restraint of ex or the child, I'd see it as his choices.
And to be honest, you're asking him to move away from his child. That's not 'just 1000 kms away. I would never do it myself and would never resent another parent for that choice.
Maybe instead of seeing it as control and boundaries, see it as your husbands choice and family and parenting style.
Not to mention the awful position it would put him in if you moved then broke up he would be forever stuck with children in different towns. I couldn't bare it.
You still have choice. You can go if that's what you have to do. Or you can choose to also do what's best for the situation.
I think all of us step-parents go through periods of hiding in our rooms and not being able to look at someone else's child. What you're feeling is normal, and I think everyone has moments of wanting a fresh start and the chance to move away and break free. But we can't all do it. The feelings will pass but for now you have to give yourself space and time. you need to grieve the loss of opportunity and find a way to acceptance. Spend time with friends or go see a movie or go do something on your own when he's there for a while - don't lock yourself away. Ignoring him isn't going to be good for either of you and it will all start to put a strain on your relationship. I send my partner out with all the kids (his, mine & ours) at least once on the weekend - even if it's just to the park with money for an icecream. Be kind to yourself. Time heals all ...
The worst thing that's ever happened to my son is having a step mother resent him for things that are absolutely not his fault.
Don't assume the child doesn't notice, because he will pick up on the tension between you. Do something about your feelings before it esculates and causes more damage to your relationship with the father and his child.
Seek counselling to talk about your feelings and hopefully help gain a different perspective of the situation. Otherwise perhaps committing to a person with a child isn't for you and you should move on.
As a stepmum here I feel resentment on and off for various reasons, so I think it is normal.
I often want to pack up and move south to be closer to our families but can't as my hubby will not leave his child behind. If I'm totally honest though I couldn't be with him if he could just pack up and leave him behind. If he could do it so easily with his son, who is to say he won't do the same to me later on. Also, my man wouldn't be the person I love had he not had these past experiences.
When I'm feeling down on the whole situation I let my partner know my thoughts and that I need time out from them so I can have space to clear my thoughts. I also try to remember that my SS is a pretty awesome little guy, he is my friend and he didn't do anything wrong. It's hard to to put that face on and pretend everything is ok, I get that.
It's not like there are a million job opportunities in Cairns so I understand the desire to take up work elsewhere. You never know though, perhaps something will come up in Cairns in the future that will be what you're after.
Unfortunately there is no easy answer to this, no one can tell you how to resolve the situation. It's ok to feel upset and angry, and you know yourself it isn't right to direct those feelings towards your SS. Perhaps that is the part to work on as these things will come up time and time again.
Good luck!
What would you do if the was no child involved and your partner of 3 years didnt want to move, when your in a relationship your not free as a bird you decide together what will happen, if he doesn't want to move away from what little time he gets to see his son then forcing him to may cause him to start to recent you, think of it this way, would you want to give up being close to your child because your partner wants to move to the other side of the state.. I feel that you want to do you and have him follow you and being resentful of a child because his father wants to be apart of his life still is selfish.