Hi dear mums,
I am desperate for some support, advice and direction please.
Please please be kind. I am struggling with self judgment and an incredibly heavy case of mothers guilt. And I have delayed writing this in the fear of ridicule and putdown, as I am impacted by this issue every waking moment where sleep is minimal. I know I need help which is why I'm writing this.
I have 2 children (3yo daughter and 18mo son) and i struggle with intense yelling where I've brought my daughter to tears.
My daughter is exhibiting fear and anxiety where she demands hugs most times when i get cross with her even to the point when I would say "no" without being cross to a simple issue.
Can these fears and their impact be reversed without requiring intensive therapist intervention right now?
And what strategies can I use that other mothers/families been advised to use to assist when she gets upset and demands the hugs?
As she demands them often and at inappropriate times. And I'm wondering if I should be hugging her at all times or setting limits (not unkindly but realistically) as I don't want this to escalate and become an unhealthy expectation later on?
I also wonder if I meet all requests that she may settle down more?
I feel absolutely gutted and so disappointed in myself and time and time again I vow to myself to not do it again where i even apologise to her, which seems futile as she changes the subject now.
Which is quite profound and shows me how much I need to be consistent the other way.
We are a single income family who moved from interstate two years ago so expenses are exceedingly tight, and even visiting a psychologist or counsellor is not possible at this time (however I am very open to recommendations where I will endeavour to arrange visits when I have set sufficient funds aside).
We are living in the Eastern suburbs of Melbourne. I have a preference of a female therapist (psychologist, counsellor or other therapist) for my daughter although open to male therapists but I personally open up better with females and I thought if we needed to see the same person it was easier to start with an approachable female therapist.
And church based if possible (we don't have a church connection at this time) but definitely open to other services. So any direction to affordable self help, parent programs and courses and other resources and links that can provide me with strategies to tackle these moments and reassure her better would help. As i feel sold responsible and completely helpless and clueless, and with no family support and I have been feeling isolated.
I hurts me to the core to see it's me in particular that has impacted her this way.
I am sitting here with desperation. It's hard being me. I don't like what I have become and yet my husband and kids love me. I'm absolutely amazed. Because I hate what I see, what I hear and the way I think.
I realise to achieve the change it has to start with me. I have to change and be consistent.
I am so consumed with guilt and fear that i may have contributed to her change as she was a very easy going little girl. Although she still displays humour and cheeky fun I have noticed that she also displays more sensitivity to others being upset where she runs to hide, and she gets quite bossy with her brother and says things in a tone that sounds like me (it's awful hearing it played back in a child's voice!).
Anyone would think it would be enough to change but it seems I am significantly weak in impulse control so i know I need help.
I would so greatly appreciate some direction. My biggest concern is that I have permanently scarred her and I worry things can't be reversed.
Please help.
5 Replies
Before looking at therapy for your daughter, you said it yourself - it has to start with you. I was you, in fact I was most likely worse than you. I was raised in a household with a narcissistic pig of a man who liked to abuse women and kids to make him feel tough and with a woman who was his doormat, I saw this dynamic my whole life and when it came to being an "adult" I didn't want to be her so I turned into him, I was doing what I knew because I didn't know there was any different. My son was two when once again I flew into a rage and I don't know what was different, but I saw him this time, like really saw him, and he was terrified. Of me. That day it stopped. Man I'm sitting here in tears over the guilt I still feel and it was over 16 years ago now! See your GP for a mental health plan, you'll get to see a psych for a few sessions and they should be free. Talk to them about what's been happening with you, not her, you and as a result how you think it's effecting her. There's always a reason for behaviour, - depression/anxiety/anger/hurt etc let them help you get to the root of it. Ask what other programs and groups are in the area that might be good for you too and make the effort to join in. There's so much support out there these days, it's vastly different to back then when I pretty much just did it on my own. Get you in a good place where mummy can be happy mummy instead of stressed and guilted to the eyeballs mummy. Then and only then can you look to your daughters behaviour, think of it like an oil leak. You can send her off to put shiny new oil in her tank but when she gets home the leak is still there... Fixing you is plugging the leak. You might find it's a coincidence. Some kids just get clingy and grow out of it. You might find it's a direct reflection of your behaviour so when your behaviour changes hers will slowly calm down too. I wish you all the best chick, you are standing at the step of an amazing change and it's time to break the cycle. You CAN DO IT. We did, my son is an adult now and you'll rarely meet someone more thoughtful, gentle and kind. He has my temper but he's also learned from me managing it how to manage it himself. It's a big difference to how he could have been.
As the other person said, there are so many free therapy options. But it has to be therapy for you first.
Off to the GP they know all the counselling in your area.
You may be eligible for a health care plan for 10 free visits.
Like the other responses, I agree that the answer begins with getting YOU right. Sounds like you're sleep deprived and possibly depressed. March yourself off to a GP and get that sorted first. And have a heart to heart with your partner if you haven't already, ask him/her for some support in whatever way they can - even if it's just allowing you a sleep in or hour out of the house alone to do whatever you want once a week.
When it comes to the yelling, I know it sounds stupid, but try to count to 10 first when you feel the anger bubbling. Try to breathe. Rationalise what is happening - yeah, 3 year olds can be annoying (especially when your fuse is already short) and can do some pretty stupid stuff, but are they being intentionally naughty? And if so, is it just to get your attention? One of the simplest ways of changing kids behaviour is to praise and pay attention to the good stuff. Notice when she's being good, tell her the stuff you like about her or what she's doing. Put the focus on the good stuff. It's not easy to start with, but it gets easier, and it snowballs - the more you notice and praise, the more you'll see stuff worth praising her for.
Hugs aren't a bad thing. If you need to tell her off, how about trying to approach it in a softer way? Sit her on your knee, and ask her about what she's just done, whether she thinks it was a good thing to do or not. Like "do you think it was a good idea to hit your brother like that? Why not?" It gives her responsibility for her own actions, and will hopefully teach her (slowly) to think before she acts.
I went through a similar thing when my kids were about that age - I had PND and I was a wreck. And I had huge guilt about how my kids were affected by me being what I thought was such a shit parent. But my two are teenagers now and two of the most amazing kids around - I'm hugely proud of them.
This too will pass. But it'll pass quicker if you get some help.
She wants a hug. Hug her. She wants you to be kind to her, to stop being mean and to wrap her up and make her feel safe and loved and calm. Its her beautiful way to say I don't want this situation and you're lucky she can do this, or she would scream tantrum hold it in, and you would lose the opportunity to make it better.
My daughter says it too & when gets one every time. It will not spoil her it will make her safe and mend the damage of verbally assaulting her a little.
To be honest we all lose it and yell, but if she's stopped and is trying to stop the angry situation and resolve it but you can't, you continue on, then I think you could do some conscious work on that.
I know that it's easier said then done but have you tried counting to 10 before you lose it or even say out loud 'mummy is going to get very cranky in a minute' a warning to her and a moment for you to calm down. When you say that she may come to you asking for a hug and to stop the moment from imploding you could simply give her a hug.
Having kids is so hard, if you were yelled at as a child it's in you to yell as a mother. It's fight or flight and you clearly go into fight mode because of how you were raised.
You can change how you react and you reverse the 'damage' if you get help now. I wouldn't worry about your children seeing a therapist, I think if you saw one and were able to open up and get help things would get better at home.
We all lose it and yell and then feel like monsters afterwards but you notice it and you want to change, that makes you an amazing mum. Give yourself a break xx