A bit of back story.
My daughter has not seen her biological father in 3 years. He was in and out of her life for the 6 years before that. She decided at 4 not to call him dad and that he was the dad to his other bio child and his (then) girlfriend's child. They broke up and the visits stopped. She was always the one to initiate them. I went through mediation and court 1.5 years ago to get full parental responcibily and 100% care, I was awarded this due to him not coming to mediation and court, and not responding to any contact attempted by my lawyer.
Now to now.
So, I was contacted by bio's girlfriend (a new one) last week. She asked if he could see my daughter and if he could have a relationship with her. As much as it makes me nervous, I have decided to give him another chance for my daughter's sake. I met with him a few days ago and discussed that she needs to be seeing him consistently and not just come in and out of her life. I have told him that she might not want a relationship with him and if she chooses that I will listen to her, I will get her to at least meet with him a few times before she decides. Now there's one more cherry on this sundae, his girlfriend is pregnant.
My problem is that I have been putting off talking to my daughter about this and don't know how to talk to her about it. I want to be as gentle as possible and not put my worry about him walking out again and hurting her. Any advice or experiences in this would be really helpful.
TIA
4 Replies
I'm sorry how is this good for your daughter? The only reason he is doing this is because he has a new girlfriend.
Nope, nope and nope! Force him through proper channels. Make him prove he is in it. Make him sort out mediation. There is no way I'd be talking to my child about him until he'd done some significant work to prove he was actually motivated to do this.
It's your job to protect your little girl. Courts don't like awarding full custody they did it for a very very good reason and that's because her dad is a dead beat!
Give him the chance before 'forcing him through proper channels'.
You want to prevent ending up back in court as much as possible. Its expensive, time consuming, and mentally draining for everyone involved, including your daughter. Plus, it looks good if you if you've shown proof you tried to mend the relationship if it does end up at court.
Your daughter is old enough to know what's going on. Go by her cues to decide the best course of action.
If dad walks again, she'll still have a little brother or sister and its important for them to have a relationship.
Do this so that your daughter knows her sibling. If she mends the relationship with her father in the process, consider that a bonus.
I'd start by speaking to your daughter and telling her that her dad really misses her and would love to see her again. Ask her how she'd feel about going to the park and seeing him and his friend/partner.
Tell her that his partner is pregnant with her little brother or sister and try and get her excited for the fact that she'll be a big sister.
I usually suggest that parents communicate with each other and never the new partner, but it might be a good idea for you to keep communication with her.
She reached out to you and he's proven to be a flight risk.
It sounds like she's reaching out to you because she wants to make sure her child knows its older sister, so she may be the safer bet.
That way, if dad does walk again if this relationship ends as well, you can try and keep the relationship running with this woman so that your children can still see each other.
I would have just said no. Not to be a bitch and not to rob the child of a relationship with her other parent but HE didn't contact you. If he wanted contact he would have done so himself. If the girlfriend is pushing for it then he is probably not exactly invested in the idea and won't be consistent, just like last time when the last girlfriend organised it all. Tell her that as sorry as you are, you identify a pattern of others (and yourself) wanting him to see his daughter rather than him wanting it and it ends badly for her. Make him work to see his daughter to prove it's something he actually wants.
Nope. New girlfriend has her rosey glasses on and is trying to make what she believes he is come true. Don't get caught up in it, it'll cost you a lot and you've already been there, learnt that.