The back story.
We have been separated for two years, property settlement and divorce (initiated by me) was done quickly after separation. We have two children aged 8 (girl) and 11 (boy).
Part of the reason of our separation was that he showed little interest in the children and he continued this after separation. He found a new partner (within days of us separating!) who already had a child and has recently become a father again. They are living a very different lifestyle to what my children have know in the past.
Over the two years we have tried the 'every second weekend' with my son with my daughter sometimes joining him for the day only. In the last two years my daughter has spent 5 nights with him and my son 29 nights. This has been though the choice of my ex-husband. He openly tells them that he is 'too busy with his new family.'
The issues that we are having are: He will not let them contact me whilst they are in his care, they are verbally abused by his partner, refuses to take them to weekend activities, they denigrate me to the children, not brought home when they are wanting to come home or to our agreed arrangements and most often come home with marks on them where her daughter (10) hurts them. His partner will sit in the car, stick her finger up at me, poke her tongue out, call me names in front of the children and on Christmas Day threatened for the children not to be returned. On numerous occasions they have ignored both children when seeing them in a public place and I have never seen his partner acknowledge my children. My children only see me be positive and happy in front of them, they are understanding how unacceptable their behaviour is and are becoming more and more distant from their Dad. My son has said he feels like a stranger and my daughter will refer to him as "........ (insert my sons name) Dad'
I have tried to communicate inviting him to mediation, asking him to meet me at a mutual location at a time convenient to him to discuss only the children and I try my best not to be intrusive when he does spend time with them.
He is unrepresented at the mediation, I have a solicitor.
I wanted to know what others peoples experiences are? What are the possible outcomes of mediation? Has anyone been with someone before that wast represented? I've been told that being with an unrepresented party can be a bad thing?
Surely they wont just say that the kids have to go with him from 530 Friday to 530 on a Sunday for example? My aim is to get some type of transistion strategies in place? Is this reasonable? Any advice or experiences are greatly appreciated.
2 Replies
Sounds like the kids need less time, not more time at dads. The less he has them the better.
The mediation will give you a set in stone plan that you have to abide by. It will most likely say something like a set drop off or pick up time. And not sticking to those times either way will be seen to be breaking the orders.
So I'd think very carefully about what you want to achieve.
Personally going on the dad and partners behaviour I would be aiming for supervised visitation at set times. Once a fortnight. If the dad chooses not to have that time then that's on him.
It sounds like he is acting like his old kids are a nuisance to what he perceives as his new and improved family, what a drop kick. The whole scenario will leave the kids feeling rejected and it's just a toxic for them. Can you skip mediation and over the next few months slowly fade out into the distance? Would he chase you for contact? If you take him to meditation and make demands, he will most probably fight you every step of the way for the sake of winning and looking like a good father. I would go the more passive way, be amicable, a few cancellations due to kids being sick, a birthday party, make shit up and slowly over time distance yourself and your kids. I don't know him and so obviously don't know if it would work, just offering another strategy, as you said, he isnt genuinely interested in them. This would also give him an out without openly being the a hole he is lol All the best to you and your beautiful children.