My daughter is four years old, and ever since she was about 18 months she has stayed with her father from Sunday afternoon to Tuesday afternoon - this is a private agreement we have. She is due to start Prep next year, and her father has requested a 50/50 care arrangement, starting soon to transition her into this routine before she starts school next year. I am yet to inform him of my decision. I have a few concerns: 1. How she will cope with week on/week off. Sometimes going back and forth is a bit difficult for her (I hate that there's not much I can do about that), and I wonder if spending a full week at each other's homes would do more harm than good as she would just settle in somewhere, then need to spend a week at the other's home. 2. I feel that at a young age children need a stable base to call 'home'. Because her father calls my house 'mummy's house' she has said things which have, well, made me feel kind of sad such as, 'oops, I got crumbs on your couch'. I explained that she should be saying THE couch, because they are hers as well, I am her mummy and this is her home as well. 3. Her care at her father's. Her father is a great dad and takes good care of her, however also works five days a week which include weekends. He also has a license but no car. I'm wondering how he will get her to school and pick her up, how he will arrange work around her etc. His partner I'm assuming would watch her while he is at work, however I just don't know her at all and it's difficult allowing a complete stranger to care for my daughter. I have concerns regarding myself as well - the two days she is at her father's, I sit around and study but I just feel completely lost without her and feel like I'm sinking into a spiral of depression which is instantly uplifted the moment I get her back. I just don't know how I would cope for a full week without her, especially when she is going to school, as I would have even more time without her. When she starts Prep next year I'm hoping to have full-time work in my field of study, but once again, more time without my daughter. I know this seems selfish of me as her dad deserves time with her too... But I just don't know. At the end of the day I need to do what's best for my daughter, so I'm just wanting to hear some helpful advice or from families that have 50/50 care arrangements. Does it work? Are your children better off? Apologies for the essay.
5 Replies
It's tough. I wouldn't want 50/50 I agree with how you feel about them needing a home. Im fortunate my ex is active but hasnt asked for it. Everybody has views you're probably going to cop a lot of righteous personal views but its a personal arrangement. Its great you're both working together so well to coparent. I think you should think through your points. Then tell him you're concerned and ask for his thoughts and suggestions. Work it out together.
I would say that him working or having a car and getting her to school is not your concern, although both having care when you'll have time to be with her would be the ideal goal, but busy happens in every house.
Don't forget she will be very tired and need down time too, calm weekends to regroup.
Personally I might consider offering him weekdays and I do Friday pickup until Monday drop off. You could swap each term for longer routines.
I think 50/50 is great for children! I think its important for both parents to be equally active in their child's life when its possible.
Week on week off might be a bit much for her age, though. Would splitting the week work better? 3 1/2 day, with after school pick up being the change over?
Having a 'diary' that goes back and fourth with her would be a good idea, too. Have whichever parent who has her write anything important and attach anything like homework or school letters to it. This way, things don't get forgotten about by accident.
You can always give it a shot before she starts school to see how both she and her dad cope. That way, you have time to reevaluate if problems arise.
It sounds like you and her dad have a good relationship, so express your concerns with him and see if he has any suggestions or compromises in mind.
Good luck and great job at putting your little one first. :)
We have had 50/50 with my step daughter since she was 18 months old (I came into her life when she was about 20 months old) she is now 12. We (both families and her) have never had any issues with her doing 50/50 we have always been told from teachers etc how settled and organised she is, she has always know where she will be what day etc. we do however do 1/2 of each week - week one Sunday afternoon to after school Wednesday with her mum, Wednesday to Sunday with us. Week two Saturday morning through to Wednesday afternoon with her mum Wednesday through to Saturday with us. We always be flexible with change for special events and try and take into consideration just because it may not be a special event/important to one family it may be to the other. Holidays we nogoiate depending on what family is going away. For example she is at her mums these entire holiday and at ours the entire holidays next term. I know it's hard to let another women step in and care for your daughter, but know that as a step mum I'm not trying to be a replacement for her mum but I do treat her as my own child love and respect her and treat her no different to my son. If you find another partner you will want that from them too. Maybe make an effort to meet this partner, you don't have to be friends but it's good to be on the same page. We try and keep rules the same at both homes as much as possible like bed times etc. what ever parent she is away from she rings them every night before bed just a quick call to say good night. As a mother I would absolutely hate to not see my son everyday, and it breaks my husbands heart to not see his daughter every day but he knows it's in his daughters best interests to have a close relationship with both parents/families. I'm happy to answer any other questions you may have. Good luck.
I did 50/50 all through primary school it worked. We had a conversation about it how it was all going to work then we reviewed it when something wasn't working.
We involved our daughter in the decision making process without the politics of it.
We used to do swap on Sunday and Wednesday so mid week. This worked with our work days. Communication is the key all the points u have made u need to sit and discuss with him.
Our daughter came to us when she was 12 and said she didn't want to do it anymore. And we changed to suit her
Flexibility and communication is the key.
Only 1 of your 3 points is wholly about your daughter. This appears to be more about how much YOU wouldn't cope, not your daughter. This isn't about you. We don't have children to meet our own needs; company, friendship, etc. This doesn't, ofcourse, diminish how you feel about seeing your daughter less. But this is something you're going to have to deal with. Show your daughter how inspiring you can be, dive into independence and do something you're passionate about.