Hi IM's
This is going to be a little over the place. I'm desperate for another child. My child is 3.5 and I've been separated from a dv relationship for 1.5 years. I don't see myself having another partner any time soon. I'm not ready after everything that's happened to have another partner in my life but I do want another child. I had 6 miscarriages with my ex husband and one was lost after his pysically abuse.
I've been thinking about a sperm donor and have spoken to family about my thoughts.
My sister and her husband have offered his sperm so I know who the father is it's not a random. I dont know if that's weird or anything. My minds swimming now with the offer. I'm so desperate I was willing to spend thousands of dollars going through sperm donation clinic.
I don't even know what I'm asking. What's everyone's thoughts? Has anyone been in a similar situation? My sister and her husband have children already. He is the perfect husband. He cooks her breakfast on Sunday's, is an amazing dad, uncle, he's one of those rare nice guys that you don't find often.
I'm so confused by the offer.
My ex husband has also offered but we are legally still married I don't know how that would work with being just a sperm donor. I don't wnt to have sex with him and If would be don't legally but I don't know how it works. The ex has offered a few times since we have separated to let me have mother child which I've declined everytime.
My sister and her husband parent exactly how I would but I do understand the complications and how it can go wrong.
I'm desperate for another child and the gap between my daughter and my next child is growing bigger. I want them to grow up together. If I wasnt so hesitant about another relationship I may have waited but I honestly don't see myself having another partner for a long time. My daughter doesn't go unsupervised to visits with her father. He has never pushed for unsupervised.
We don't have any parenting orders for her and I don't know what would be legally possible for him to just be a sperm donor I honesltly want nothing from him and have stopped child support. He now doesn't pay it and that's because I asked for it to be stopped.
13 Replies
I would go through the clinic.
It takes a very special person to donate sperm or an egg, see the child on a regular basis and not feel some kind of entitlement to a say on the child's life or be disappointed that they were not thanked enough or not included enough.
If you don't want a dad in the picture go to the sperm bank. I've seen it create huge divides in families when people thought they were doing the right thing and then had conflicting feelings later.
Eek i wouldnt. Not everyone has the same family dynamic but thats all too close to home for me. So your child would grow up with your sister and hubby watching over him, parenting or not? Paying or not? Wanting rights? Next rights after you? The child knowing or not? And when hes an adult? Hes his own cousins brother. And where does that leave your other child.
And where will it leave you legally if at any stage he decides he does want to parent?
It sounds dangerous to me but i unerstand all families arent the same but cover yourself legally if you can.
There is so much that can go wrong with this arrangement that i would not even consider it. Undergoing IUI at a clinic with a local ID release donor is a much safer option. Yes initially more expensive but the peace of mind of knowing that you don't have to share custody or explain your parenting decisions or even have to take on board the father/uncle's parenting ideas more than makes up for it.
What happens is your sister and her husband get divorced? Will he then decide that he wants visitation? What about his extended family? will they be wanting to know their grandchild, etc?
If you do decide to go ahead with this, you should arrange counselling sessions with someone trained in this field for you both individually and then as a group so that you can try and get all of the potential issues out of the way before it all begins.
I'm so confused by the offer. My ex husband has also offered but we are legally still married I don't know how that would work with being just a sperm donor. I don't wnt to have sex with him and If would be don't legally but I don't know how it works. The ex has offered a few times since we have separated to let me have mother child which I've declined everytime.
My sister and her husband parent exactly how I would but I do understand the complications and how it can go wrong.
I'm desperate for another child and the gap between my daughter and my next child is growing bigger. I want them to grow up together. If I wasnt so hesitant about another relationship I may have waited but I honestly don't see myself having another partner for a long time. My daughter doesn't go unsupervised to visits with her father. He has never pushed for unsupervised.
We don't have any parenting orders for her and I don't know what would be legally possible for him to just be a sperm donor I honesltly want nothing from him and have stopped child support. He now doesn't pay it and that's because I asked for it to be stopped.
See a lawyer and go this way if you can. Consider if he changes his mind, what rights does he have and is there any way to protect yourself. And as you said, you dont want to get yourself into troubles, although i believe you can name him on the certificate and still be separated. Anything he wants he would need to go through court, being his dna he wouls get it whether named or not, so thats where you need to see a lawyer to see what you can do if anything. I would guess thats where the security of a donor becomes worth the cost. But if hes the father of one already, and its amicable and working in general, it could work, possibly.
No.
Your kids would be cousins as well as siblings. Thats just too much.
And who cares how he parents or what he does on sunday mornings because that wont be the same for you as he will be a sperm doner and not your husband.
This will be a messy situation with a lot of sore hearts.
Also let me ask how youbplan to raise this child as a single mother? Are you currently working full time and are saving to pay for the baby and then will return to work after baby is born?
Or are you just expecting to go onto government pensions and receive the handouts?
You already have a child, yes i get your clucky for another but sometimes our circumstances dont allow for it. Theres no partner, no father, and im guessing no money. Wait a few years and get your life back in order after a dv relationship. You never know what can change in 5 years time
I disagree with this. How she supports her child is not your business or the question. She has been out and single for a year and a half already, id say its very possible shes in a Good place now to start looking towards her future. the idea that only well off people or women with a husband can have a family is offensive. Its only a year or so to get through the pregnancy and baby time you want her to work full time through that or not have another child? Op the assistance is there for you if you need it and you qualify do not be shamed. This is completely judgmental and irrelevant.
I'm actually offended by this. I work full time support my daughter and I pay for a mortgage partly plus rent and all other debts I was left with. I cancelled child support from my abbusive ex so it's just me! I kmow that he won't be my partner I was just saying that he wouldn't take the child etc. My family and I are all close and we are with each other all the time.
Good im glad my comment affected you, hopefully you see the other points i made and not just the one about finances.
For the record, i did not intend to offend single mothers, i have all praise for those who do the hard yards on their own. I do however, have a problem with women falling pregnant purposefully without any regard on how they can financially raise a child (this is not directed to the op) and rely solely on government benefits.
I agree with this poster, it just doesn't seem ideal. I am in your situation, one child, would love another, but I don't dwell on it. You have only been out 18 months, which is nothing when you have been in a marriage break up, let alone a dv relationship. Your desperation to have another child, even considering with a violent ex, screams unhealthy to me. You seem to be clinging to it like it will fix all your problems, not sure what they are, probably emotional. I also think it is a very immature way of thinking to be rushing out now because you want the right age gap. Unfortunately for me, for you and many others, life doesn't pan out how we want and you have to let go of that picture in your head Eg how many children, age gaps etc. I don't disagree with single women having children at all, but this situation just doesn't sit right with me. I think I had read one of your previous posts too?
Theyre fair points. Im also in her position, dickhead ex, one child, fell pregnant to him after we split, now two children single mum out of a (definitely abusive but i hesitate to call it that) just a shit regrettable relationship.
I was over him way before we split, but i came out of it mentally broken, and I've come leaps and bounds from that place since, i did the biggest change in the first few months.
i chose the second baby knowing full well i would do it alone and in different, better circumstances. And Im flying now. Im done with baby making. Im back at work and love my family and life as it is.
I guess only the op knows her situation and can look inside herself to know if this is what she really completely wants and that its the right time and all things are considered and favourable, or if this is a patch to fulfil her needs even though certain circumstances are unfavourable. And it is important to make sure its right, because those problems you overlook always come back you cant ignore them forever, then you find yourself in a situation you didnt want. think it through and taking your time to make sure its all done right.
This is the worst possible idea and could break apart your entire family if it goes wrong. You need counselling. Get yourself in order before you think about bringing another child into the world.
And then, don't have your brother-in-law's baby. Your child's half sibling should not also be their cousin, and half sibling to their cousins. That's a mess.
I have a beautiful little boy who has just turned one that I had using donor sperm and soon to be going back for the next. I understand that longing for a child. Going the route that I chose required me to see a psychologist before anything could happen, my understanding is that all fertility clinics do this. You might find it very useful. She actually asked if I had considered asking my BIL to donate but honestly the thought never crossed my mind and I dismissed it straight away, I felt a little grossed out by the thought!