I'm looking for advice about the father of my son
We weren't together very long before pregancy And he was never there for my pregnancy or birth. (That was his choice and I agreed because he was emotionally abusive anyway! So I thought I was doing this on my own! )
But since bub was born he has been apart of his life and I've given him the benefit of the doubt.
Though he takes our son most weekends for a whole day (bub is 6.5 months) he never messages me or calls me to 'keep up' with what is happening during the week...
When he does have him his mum takes care of him and she Converses with me. dad and I have a good mutual friendship he just doesn't ... Talk about bubs day or anything... ANYTHING.
Bub has lots of medical issues, constantly going to Drs paediatricians physio and surgeons and dad doesn't ever ask how, when, why.... It sounds horrible but he wouldn't know Bub and I were in hospital unless I told him myself! I understand most males just don't see things the way women do but it's almost as if he just wants to look cool with a baby and play with our son then actually care for his wants or needs? It really bothers me because he will message me on his visitiation weekend saying 'I'll pick ____ up at 9am" and hasn't talked to me for 2 weeks he hasn't had him... And I Try! I do try! He has no interest...
How do I tell him he needs to converse with me more about our son... I don't want my son to grow up with two parents who don't really co-parent?
6 Replies
Honestly, his dad is never going to co-parent, how you'd like. As long as his mum co-parents though that's a win in this situation. Don't tell him how his son is doing, contact his mother. As she is the one that is doing the caring and will be there when dad gets bored. It's lovely that he is getting time with his grandparents.
Don't focus on dad it's just going to do your head in, focus on the ones that actually care and do the work!
I have successfully not co parented with my ex for years and we were married for ages. Thankfully my child is very well behaved so we have never had to be on the same page discipline wise. He also has various medical interventions in which his dad has no real interest, it is what it is, don't overthink it and just accept it. Now that my son is a little older and can talk to him on the phone, there has been a little more interest and interaction between visits.
Why bother, like honestly. Unless the child is in hospital or it's an emergency he doesn't have to text you or call you about the child. I actually found having to fill my ex in all the time annoying. Like so annoying I've stopped doing it unless I have to. It's time out of my day and effort I have to put in to help him feel like a better parent. He has him, he's doing the right thing by taking responsibility. Are you trying to keep the lines of communication open for yourself. Your child is 6.5 months old, he can't talk on the phone to his father. My ex doesn't want to deal with me anymore than I like to deal with him. I hear from him most nights so he can say goodnight to our 3 kids and the day I pick them up from him. Works well for me. Works great for him.
I don't care if he doesn't message me every week but justo to check in on what's happening since our son needs surgery and is sick... A bit of consideration for that wouldn't hurt anyone.
When I pick my baby up from his house after their visitation day he never tells
Me when he slept how long for or what he drank. Which is vital information because he is sick and very unsettled baby.
If you need to, get a communication book. Write down the information you wish for him to provide and let him know the same stuff in return. Men are not always intuitive enough to remember to message you and ask you how things are going. Half the time I go to write a text and forget I'm halfway through it when I get caught up with what ever I'm doing. Just because he's not texting you doesn't mean he isn't thinking about his child. If you are sending updates you are doing your part he doesn't have to reply or message you back, you are not a couple and it's just how it works I guess. You can be amicable and just not talk to each other unless it's necessary. Could he possibly be getting updates from his mum who gets them from you so he doesn't feel the need to get the information from you. I know I wouldn't want to be given information twice. If the baby currently isn't in the hospital he probably thinks he's doing ok. I have 2 special needs children, they don't have a condition like your child but they still have extra needs and I'd rather not hear from their father unless I have to. I won't update him because while the kids are with me they are solely my responsibility, he gets his own time with them and I don't expect an update from him in his time.
Is it possible there are other feelings coming into this?
Tell him straight