Ok ladies im just going to start my apologizing to every single one of you as this post may upset a lot of you. So my son was born into a DV relationship and I got us out early that it didn’t affect him at all and his dad disappeared and has not been heard from. So fast forward to today, my son is a smart healthy almost 7 year old boy who loves life and is my treasure and joy. My issue is he deserves so much better that I want to talk to a family member about adopting him and than I can get as far away from him as possible. I am in no way a good mother, I work 40 plus house a week and he has been raised by the people at daycare and school. I have depression and although I cope well with it lately I’ve been so lonely that I thought I’d try dating again. Well I meet a nice guy and I think it is going great and then out of the blue they send a text saying they don’t want to see me. The latest guy was yesterday, 10:30 I get a msg saying he misses me and cant wait for our next date (meant to be tonight) and then at 11am I get a text saying he doesn’t think he wants to keep dating with me as he isn’t feeling right about things. So once again im a mess, constantly crying not eating. That stuff I can handle what I cant handle and accept anymore is my 7 year old son telling me it is ok and he will always be there for me. Saying no guy should make me cry and that he loves me. He is 7 and should not be my shoulder to cry on. I know what I am doing is wrong so after many months of thinking and speaking to the counsellor I have decided the best thing for him is to live with people who can give him a loving home with two parents and a happy childhood. Now this is the part im not sure on. I have transferred all my savings which is just over $30,000 into his account and set up a weekly transfer so the people I hope will look after him wont be without money. I’ve had a conversation with these people and they said they would watch my son as long as I needed them to. I don’t know if I just drop him off for a sleep over and never return or do I do the painful goodbye. My son already knows and has said he will do it to help mummy feel better but will miss me.
I don’t need judgement or harsh words I just need to know is it better to say goodbye or just disappear?
16 Replies
Woah ok to start with
Let's say you did drop him off without saying goodbye how do you think he would feel and how would it affect him to have been abandoned?
If you are seriously going to go through with it you need to say a long goodbye let him know you love him and it is not his fault.
Now next part I think you are being incredibly hard on yourself I think you need to find a different councilor to talk to and help you through these feelings.
You have been raising a son all on your own for 7 years and working hard to provide for him, the way he comforts you tells me you have raised him to be a loving caring little boy you do not sound like a horrible mum to me.
Definitely do not drop your son off without saying goodbye.
You say you are doing this for the benefit of your son so I think there are some important things you haven't thought of for the benefit of your son. 1. Have you spoken to a lawyer. I think there are legal ramifications for your son, you have not thought of.
2. There are psychological ramifications for your son, you haven't thought of (far bigger than comforting his mum when crying, which is age appropriate by the way). You need your son to see a psychologist and you need to discuss these options with your sons psychologist, so what ever you do is doing the least harm to him.
3. What protections are there for your son, if this couple don't do the right thing? How do you really know they won't use the money for themselves, what agencies will be monitoring the situation for your sons sake?
4. If you are paying child support it needs to go through proper channels, like the child support agency. So there is a money trail.
Please I know you are depressed but if you are going to do this there is a right, safe way to do it, that decreases the harm to your son. Like he needs to have visits from you. You are his mum. He will need to know who to tell if things aren't safe at home. He will need to know that you love him dearly, and that you haven't 'abandoned him' and it isn't his fault, children have short memories so he will need to be told this OFTEN and hear it from you often.
Please I beg you, know judgement. Please reconsider, but if you are going to do it, do it right. Get the correct info, talk to child psychologists, talk to a lawyer, talk to government departments. It isn't as simple as just handing him over to another couple and nor should it be, for your sons safety.
Oh your poor sweet son. I hope you take from this that be loves and adores you. You're his world and he deserves you! He needs you. I hope you treat him with kindness he needs and at least explain it to him and keep in contact. You need some help to realise your own worth and importance. Not to other men. To yourself and your son. You are his world and you are enough. Tell him you love him and givr him s time frame and tell him to call you any time he needs you.
And get yourself into a psychologist and do the work to get to a place you can be his mum and be healthy.
Don't be ridiculous. You will damage your son for life if you do this. How about putting him first and decide not to date men until he's grown up. Less grief for you, and you will be able to commit to your sons welfare.
Thank you for your words. This has no been an over night thing for my son and I. This has been months of talking to people etc. When you live alone and work alone in an office all day it gets to you. Im not leaving my son for a guy for anything im actually leaving to get myself help so in the long wrong I will be doing better for him. I am doing everything in my power to make sure he will be as ok as he can be cause being with me is not healthy for him. But thank you for pointing out that I am being ridiculos that has made the tears flow so much faster down my face.
I'm truly sorry this person decided to be an asshole.
Truth I'm sure everybody has had this same thought I've had it multiple times over the years and I will go through and stew on all the ways I am lacking and destroying my sons life. I've wanted to run away because I felt someone could do it better.
It's just not true nobody will love your kid anymore than you will, what a massive step you have taken to realize you need help and are working on it well done.
If you think you need some time to work on yourself to be a better mother and a better person than do what you need to do.
Are you talking about letting your son stay with someone for say a few weeks while you seek help will you be visiting/calling him or are you just going to drop contact?
My thoughts if you need a few weeks to yourself to get help then go for it, Don't drop contact with your son though that is a giant breach of his trust say goodbye tell him what's going on give him a timeframe, call him or visit him reguarly let him know you still love him and are not abandoning him.
I'm wishing you the absolute best please don't be so hard on yourself it takes a strong person to accept they need to change and need help xx
Sorry, but you're all over the place
You want to adopt him out, but you're doing this so you can be reunited later
You want to talk to people about it, but you already have
You've talked to counsellors, yet you're asking here if you should just drop and run?
Clearly you haven't talked it through with anyone because if you had you wouldn't have even wrote this in
It's NOT normal to fall to pieces because a man turns down a date, you shouldn't be "ok" with that
It's good you're acknowledging you have a problem, but you need to take it further, not just accept it
You can get help, you need to get help, and it doesn't have to involve such drastic actions as adopting your son out
Awww! I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face.
I'm so sorry you feel like this..
I have a 7 year old daughter and a 5 year old son.
I can't imagine what you've been dealing with to feel like this. I'm thinking how my daughter would react if I did that. It would break her heart.
Im sure you've thought of all avenues.
I'm sitting here thinking don't do it, don't do it, don't do it.
Your son loves you soooo much. He sounds amazing!
What about a sea change.
Change your life.. Move areas. New job.. New surroundings, new friends.. New start for you and your son.
My heart breaks for you!!
I would love to help you.. I'm in Melbourne.
this is my post...thank you for you words and some bit of judgement. I was able to get some helpful words from the answers thank you.
Please please don't leave your son, I honestly feel that you will regret it. The fact that you're so worried about him, his future shows just what a good mum you are. If you really can't handle being in his life right now, you need to leave him with a family member, or go through the correct channels and get him fostered, then you need to go see someone and get the help you deserve. You are his mum, you are strong, you got this hunni!!
Don't do it, you're being far too hard on yourself and a lot of it is going to stem from being told you're no good rather than actually being no good. I work over 40 hours a week and I'm not a shit mum (well not for that reason anyway but hey, we're all too hard on ourselves truth be told), I'm a mum providing a very well cushioned financial advantage for our family. I was really lucky that I didn't have to use daycare as my partners family are freaking awesome and would always mind our boy while we were between shifts (I did nights and his dad did days). I suffer from depression too (Why you say? I've got a partner and a job and a house and a kid why be sad? If only it worked like that) and it built into a shit fucking mental breakdown before I did anything about it. There's help out there you know and it's not shameful to go looking for it, it's not shameful to need it and it's certainly not shameful how much better you can feel after. Trust me, that beautiful son of yours is going to be the reason you go, and when it seems too hard he'll be the reason you keep going back. Go to your GP for a mental health plan, that just gives you free or subsidised sessions with a Psychologist, do what they tell you. It'll be really hard at first I felt like shit, but it got better and now most of the time I'm really good. Another of the benefits is that as you learn to respect yourself and value yourself you recognise the shitty men who treat you badly and avoid them a bit easier. When dating someone don't introduce your boy to them for 6-8 months, that will define if they aren't just in it for a quick bit of fun and actually mean to be a part of your life. If it doesn't work out, instead of crying on your sons shoulder come here and cry on ours. Your little fella is right, he will miss you but at 7 years old he doesn't realise just how much. He doesn't deserve that pain and honestly neither do you. If your family will take him for a week or two while you sort out your visits with the doctor and to give you a break that would be amazing of them but don't think they can raise your son better or love him better or give him a better life, you love him enough to do all those things now you just have to prove it to yourself.
I'm sorry but that is messed up. Don't abandon your son he shouldn't have to deal with that shit.
He sounds like a fantastic child so you are obviously doing a great job. Keep on loving and giving your all to him. Maybe a range with those people to have him once or twice every few weeks and
Pleeeease don't make any permanent decisions while you are feeling so low. I have been there - Bad post natal depression, and I thought my son would be better off without me - I wanted to kill myself.
My first mother's day I felt like the worst fraud, and that I didn't deserve a day as I thought myself unworthy.
7 years later and I can look back at that and thank god I didn't make any decisions that would leave my child without me. In fact, I know positively that I am an amazing mum. It took me years to get to that point - and all I did was love him.
Things can change. Yes, absolutely get help, go and heal. But don't leave him forever. You won't always feel like this. But if you leave him, it will haunt him forever. That thought was the only thing stopping me - and I'm so glad I stuck it through. Let these people care for him for a month, 6 months, however long it takes for you to heal - but if you make it your goal, to be better so that you can have him back - you will achieve a lot more, and it will be so much better for your boy.
I'm so sorry you are going through this x
I'm a sole mum as well and cope with anxiety and depression. Don't leave your son forever or not say goodbye! Imagine how you feel when a man says goodbye to you with no real answer....
On that note as well, the last thing you sound like you need is a man. Self love is what you need to find, not love from another human being! I don't date simply because my son is worth more than any man. He's only 4 but I never let my son see me in a state that I can't cope. If I'm having really bad moments he stays with my parents for a sleepover for a few days maximum of a week but I always ensure I call him and talk to him. He loves going to my parents so thinks it's just for some fun. I think you need mostly to find self love, secondly remove dating from your life because it sounds like you can't handle that on top and thirdly, never let your child see your emotional issues, he should never have to pick you up from your depressive state. Also seek more help from professionals. I know how you feel to go through what you are but don't abandon your child for someone who could love you temporarily. Maybe try having a night to yourself where someone can look after your son for the night and have some you time.
I am a single mum with a gorgeous boy too and have had mental health issues in the past when I split with his father. I really feel for you, when you have depression everything feels like an up hill battle and you are not thinking rationally, I wish I could give you a big hug.xxxx
Now the reality check, I really want to help you clarify and rationally think about your situation, no judgement.
You can never invest more than you can afford to lose, ever! Right now, you have invested in men, it hasn't worked and you are so distraught that you are considering giving away your son. Your son! That is way too much to lose.
Until you like who you are, until you know that some mans opinion of you doesn't define you, you should NOT date. Focus on building an amazing life with you and your son. Seek therapy, medication, family support to give you a break, start doing things you enjoy with your little boy, make your life so satisfying that a man would have to fight to get into your world. Since my split, the last 4 plus years I have focused on my little boy and myself. I am kicking major career goals, my boy and I have an inseparable bond and I am happy! Don't give him up, just seek the support you require and deserve. Xxxxxxxx
Men will never ever give you the love your son does dont let him go
How do you know he will be happy
How do you really knowthey won't hurt him
Im sorry hun i dont mean to be mean but this sound like men are more important than your child
You say you want the best for him you are the best
Please seek other help please
Your son will not cope with out you