I think my husband is emotionally abusive, towards me but especially our 11yo son. We argue over his behaviour all the time, he says he'll try to change his ways, but things always go back to normal. I truly believe he doesn't do it on purpose, he just doesn't know how else to handle things, but he also refuses to see a counsellor etc.
I'm going to go see a counsellor myself to help make sense of the situation as usually when this happens (the arguing) i want to leave, but we have 3 children so it's always 'easier' to stay and then the cycle continues.
I love him, we have been together for 15yrs but i think if i don't do something drastic like leave then changes won't happen. I'm so scared though, i don't want him to be alone, he doesn't really have anyone else (family etc). And we do honestly have good times together, it's not ALL bad.
Has anyone else been in this situation where the other person has finally acknowledged their part and sought help and things have worked out?
5 Replies
No, in my case and my sisters case they never ever worked it out. We left and they still years later never got it.
No, coming from someone who grew up in this rather than watched it unfold. It's one thing to be abusive because that's how you were raised and you don't know any better, I'm always honest about it, I did because I didn't know better and to this day I hate myself for it. It's another thing to recognise and know how miserable you are because of it and NOT want that for your kids therefore wanting to know better, learning better and working on being better, I did this too, my son was 2 and I realised I was everything I hated in my own parents and he was living my own miserable existence so I got off my ass and fixed what was wrong - I learned better so I could be better. Couldn'tbefuckeditis is not an excuse to treat his kids this way and you need to go, it may not be too late to salvage some of the self-respect and confidence that has been stripped from them. I'm pushing 40 and my self-respect and confidence in my life, my love and my career is largely a front, I've never been able to be good enough. Don't let easier for you now be their future can't-be-fixed. If he wants to change, that's great but he has to want to. You can't make him and after 11 years of not wanting better I'd be very hesitant to believe changes are going to happen until you are out of the house protecting the kids from him and then see the changes he's making.
It doesnt get better, as you said he isnt trying to do it, its normal, its what he knows. He can try, but it will be a huge effort and will only last when and where he sees it and tries - could you change your thoughts ans natural reaction to something?
Youll get to the point where youll be more concerned for yourself and your kids than you are about him. You just wont be able to take any more. I hope you make the choice before you endure it long enough to end up as damaged as i did. It took a lot of work for me to get back on track, Im fairly certsin ym childs anxiety and thinking everything is wrong with her comes from this, when we were together i thought she was flourishing - being a people pleaser, always smiling and having fun, but shes learning and carrying this in her own way i promise you,and its hard to deal with and fix these things.
My partner did seek help and tried very hard, this was after i left and he has worked really hard, just for himself, but there is still frequent issues. Yes hes disapponted in himself afterwards, but equally believes in what he said and did. I guess thats when i realised he really wont get better. He really cant. Im so much happier without it in my life. Next time ill run a mile at the first sign. thats exactly why why when someone shows you who they are you listen, dont try to fix or change them. Lesson learnt the hard way.
Thanks for the replies so far. He does have some good qualities, and i've been with him since i was 17, so it's only ever been me and him, so i feel like i would be starting all over again and that's scary!
Sometimes i feel like it's not that bad and i feel silly for wanting to leave, like i make it worse in my head than what it is, but then it happens again, either he ignores me when i talk to him, or he doesn't want to discuss anything, or he's passive aggressive, or he teases our son and then i feel like it's so wrong that i hate him for it.
I totally understand, unfortunately all the good wont erase those bad times, even few and far between (which is bet theyre not that rare anyway)
It helped me to keep a diary, because while i was there, id forget and then itd happen again and id forget again, but the cumulative effect is taking its toll on you, emotionally and psychologically, even in not knowing if its that bad.
Keep a diary, write down what happens, then look back in a month.
In the end i just had a calendar and crossed it the days he did something not acceptable (yes wven if he also cooked breakfast and was great) i could look back and actually see what we were living.