I have a messed up family, a number of family members were sexually abused, most of them have had counselling and dealt with it as best as they can. Recently another family member has been going to counselling, and has come to the conclusion that the eldest and first victim is to blame as she should've spoken up. Apparently her counsellor has told her this, I'm absolutely disgusted and am pretty sure this is bullshit. I guess what I'm asking is would a counsellor really say this? The one who is getting blamed is shattered, and suggested self harm had crossed her mind
3 Replies
I'm not a counsellor but I have never met one (or gone to one) who would put the blame on another victim, they would know the damage it would do to the first victim and they would aim to help their client deal with the issues and move forward not create more issues with another victim.
All my dealings with counsellors for myself have never blamed others but helped me with ways to deal/cope with situations or people (I have toxic people in my family).
This person is very hurt (understandably) by what has happened to them and I think they are lashing out at others. They would also know that they have confidentiality with their counsellor so no one could ask the counsellor directly if that is what they told this person.
I doubt it. They may have framed the question, do you think if the first victim spoke up none of this would happen? Its not intending to cause blame and infighting, hes taken it that way. Counsellors dont really tell you anything, no straight answers, they listen and understand you and give you tools. Even with an abusive ex, my counsellor said, what do you think would happen if you didnt contact him at all? Do you think thats something you want to try for two weeks? And it was up to me to think it through, she provided options and supported me in whatever i chose. She didnt just say oh hes scum, go no contact, write him off, end of story.
It is very possible this is an issue and thought for him, but that doesnt make it a universal truth. The first one is a victim as well. She did not abuse or help abuse and has no guilt to wear. I hope shes getting support too.
No a counsellor would not have said this! They may agree with the client when they state something like 'if only x person had spoken up' which is very different to saying its x persons fault. They may understand why this person blames the other victim, but that doesn't mean the coubsellor thinks it's the other victims fault.
Some people have a unique way of twisting things.