Hi IM's. I need advice from someone who has been in the situation. Basically my mother is a toxic person. Very manipulative and it's always about her. She thrives on starting arguments then it's always "poor me". I have had to deal with this for 32 years. Anything and everything, no matter how small can set her off. The entire family sees it but they placate her as not to cause even more drama. I am sick of being abused over nothing then when she realises she's wrong or is faced with the facts, she will refuse to apologise and just pretend it never happened. In the past 4 months I have been abused 6 times by her. They are always guilt ridden messages and phone calls which then escalates to name calling on her part when I refuse to play into the drama. Even this past Mother's Day, I was abused as I called her for Mother's Day, and I did not write anything on Facebook. She wanted the public declaration. I am so beyond tired and drained. But I feel like if I cut her off, it would be hell on the rest of the family as again it would be "poor me". Last time I tried, I was inundated with messages from my 2 sisters and father begging me to apologise (even though they knew I did nothing wrong) just to keep the peace because she was constantly complaining to them and crying over me cutting contact. I am not the only one who cops the abuse, the rest of the family does too but they always placate too keep the peace and I think that's what has caused her behaviour to get so out of hand. It has gotten progressively worse over the years. How do I cope? I'm a sensitive person and as a result have anxiety which is also now getting worse as I feel like I'm constantly on eggshells. I don't want to lose my family but I also don't want to keep tolerating this abuse whenever she feels like it. I have suggested she may need to see someone but everyone refuses to bring it up with her and begs me not too. Again not to rock the boat. I feel like I'm ready to break.
3 Replies
You need to look after you. Cut contact, get yourself some counselling to help you work through it. Your family are all enablers, I'm sorry but you are going to have to learn to put up very strong boubdaries with them if you are going to keep them in your life.
This is my mother to a T!! I had to walk away. Not just for me, but for my kids too. It got to the point it was impacting every part of my life, work, my hubby, kids.. Everything! It will never ever change! I had 2 choices.. Continue to allow her to treat me and my kids the way she was and be miserable for the rest of my life, or walk away and be happy. I chose to be happy. It was hard, very hard to just walk. My siblings and dad kept accusing me of being nasty and horrible despite then knowing what she was like, I have a limited relationship with all of them now, for me the hardest part was loosing the bond I had with my dad. Something my mother tried all my life to destroy. She eventually succeed. That broke my heart, but it had to be done for my sanity and for my kids. They came first. Something my mother never done for us kids.
If you decide to walk be prepared for backlash, if she is as manipulative as my mother, there will be backlash.
A lot of people will say block her etc but I know how hard that could be seeing that she's your mum - look up the 'gray rock' method for dealing with a narcissist. I had to live under the same roof as my ex who was a narc and I only read up on narcissism in the last year of our relationship, the gray rock was my survival technique. Basically you just don't react. Don't let them ever see you happy or sad or any form of emotion. If they try to start something don't react, they try to suck you in by being really nice just go along with it, be polite and thankful but remain 'dead pan' and give nothing away. It's like giving them nothing to play with. How many grey rocks do you see everywhere every day? And you notice none and pay attention to none of them - be a grey rock. It sucks but it works and she will leave you alone x