So, just had an argument with the husband.....again! In a nut shell, he basically just said I'm lazy coz I don't work (SAHM with 2 kids). And he's sick of paying for everything. He makes me feel like the most useless lazy piece of sh*t! I bust my ass for my family. I do absolutely everything!!! Take/pick up from school, washing, cooking, cleaning, doc appointments, school teacher interviews, grocery shopping, bathing kids, feeding baby, taking rubbish out- I mean everything!! But just because I don't get "paid" for my "job" I'm lazy and useless. I've been with this man for 15 years now, but I just don't know what to do? We do love each other but I'm wondering if its worth it? My worst worst possible fear is having my kids in a broken home. I already feel like I have failed them. I'm laying in bed crying feeling so useless and heart broken! He's the kind of man who's great, but in an argument, he's so head strong, so black & white, so my way or the highway. I don't feel loved, I don't feel respected, I feel like a door mat!
9 Replies
Work out an hourly rate for each of the "jobs" you do caring for his kids and give him an invoice that shows how much he'd be paying someone else to do it. Sometimes it just needs a bit of perspective.
Personally I think there's a more mature way to deal with it... To th IM - Maybe talk to him. Not in the business of the night time routine. Just when your 1 on 1 with him and tell him how this is making you feel and if he doesn't listen the problem is deeper than you think. If so you may need a place to safely voice yourself like counselling. Hope it works out.
Write a checklist of everything you do and then stop doing it for a while!
Ok I'm going to play the devils advocate here and say this,
If you guys are having an argument and he all of a sudden pulls out the "you're useless because you don't work" card, he is just trying to get a rise out of you!!!! He would know that it's the one thing that he can use to really get at you! I'm not saying this is ok but I'm saying that he more than likely doesn't think you're really useless and that you need to go and get a job asap!!
To be honest it's probably not a bad idea for you to get yourself a job even if it's just one or two days a week. Not to satisfy his needs but believe me when you're an at home mum, going to work is bliss lol.. It gets you out of the house and makes you feel great! Oh and the fact that he would have to lift his game and help out around the house and with the kids would soon have him regretting his words, not to mention the fact that he couldn't use that line anymore!! Believe me the only one that wins when mum gets a job is mum!!!!
So true. I just got a job after 5 years of being a sahm and hubby would always use that line and blame me as to why we are in so much debt BUT now he cant and he hasn't said it since and I absolutely LOVE going to work. I get to do what I want and have fun while meeting new people plus having adult conversation is amazing.
Stop being his door mat then. When he says shit just to hurt and degrade you, dont defend yourself, don't dignify him with s response. Stop the conversation right there because there's no point continuing with that. Then tell him if he has an idea about the household set up to speak to you about it without degrading you. And its fine, you can get a job and you'll work out what he'll need to do in the house to make that work.(bet he starts squirming here)
He's saying total bullshit without taking a hint of ownership partnership or support, there's only so long you can live without a voice or a little or respect.
He is probably in need of a holiday and exhausted from working and jealous of your time at home with the kids. Not that this excuses his comments but they sound more resentful than genuine. Maybe work one day each weekend and leave him with the kids and when he seems exasperated and tired when you get home just explain to him that this is how you feel every day and it's not an easy job.
Is it possible to swap roles so he can see it from your perspective? Do you have a job/career on hold while u r at home that you could back to? I know we can all lash out in arguments but seems like lack of respect because he think u have it easy and he has it hard. My husband has been ay home for years while I work.
Would he survive one week with the kids? I think not.