Hello and thank you for taking the time to read and hopefully respond to my issue. My 10 year old daughter and myself had been living together in a small rented unit for 5 years and although some weeks were tough and we didn't have much money to spare, we were doing fine. Late last year a lady I have known for over 14 years (we used to work together) asked me if I would like to share a rented house with her. This woman had split from her husband of 17 years and was living with her son. I weighed up the options and I decided that it would be okay to share a house with her as we had known each other for ages, she was 15 years older than me and had full time work, she was always reliable while working with me and I could split the rent and the bills with her and hopefully start to save and afford more things for my daughter and myself.
Fast forward four months and she confided in me that she is carrying on an affair with a married man and using our house as the rendezvous three times a week and that they had already been "almost caught" three times!!! She has said that it is all a big secret and that only me and her sister know and that she needed to tell me in case I came home and found him there. We live in a relatively large country town with a population of approximately 50 000 people however everyone knows everyone in towns this size and with affairs, it is never a matter of IF people find out but WHEN people find out. I told her that if people find out and as a result, that brings trouble to our door and me and my daughter get caught up in her shit, then I will never forgive her and our friendship will be over.
My father was a serial cheater and I saw the affect this had on my own Mum and it goes against my own moral code and set of values to even contemplate cheating on a spouse. I am not religious nor am I perfect, but one of the boundaries I have set for myself is never cheat on someone and never be with someone who is cheating. Although it is not me involved with this man or me that is cheating or being cheated on, I feel that my flat mate has stepped all over my boundaries and totally disregarded the other people living in the house in order to carry out her relationship'. They obviously do not meet when my daughter and I are there but carry on their affair in the afternoons and he has apparently warned her against telling me anything.
I have told her very clearly that I do not agree with what she or this man is doing and that I think it is a very shabby thing for her to do to expect me to keep a secret of this magnitude and that I now feel like I am in cahoots with them because I now know about their affair. I have told her that I do not care who she sees or what she does in her personal relationships but that she is involving me and my daughter because we both share the same address and I requested that she find another place to carry on the affair because I was very uncomfortable with her and him using our house for their meetings. I then told her that I did not want to discuss her relationship with him and that if she was having problems or wanted advice to go to someone else because it was not something that I wished to advise her on.
She basically told me that she would not give up her sex life for me and that she wasn't going to stop seeing him and that Lily and I wouldn't get involved if people found out. I didn't ask her to give up her sex life or stop the affair, just to find an alternative place to meet so that if shit does hit the fan, my daughter and I would be left out of it. This was two months ago. I have not heard about this man since, nor has she spoken about him but I thought I had made myself pretty bloody clear for her to find alternative places to meet if she was going to be foolish enough to keep seeing this man.
Today when I was home for lunch, this man knocks on the door and then walks in as if he owns the place and my flat mate greets him as if nothing was ever said between us and as if I was FINE with him being there! It was the middle of the day and we live on a very busy street and if this man has been coming to our house regularly during the day, for the past 5 months, three times a week then it is only a matter of time before this all comes out.
I have signed a lease with this woman until November and she is now talking about moving to another house in a less busy area once our lease is up and if I would move in with her again? I initially said yes but that was before today when I assumed that she had stopped seeing this man because she hadn't mentioned him for ages. Now all I want to do is pack me and my daughter up and move out of that house before shit hits the fan. I have an obligation to my daughter to make sure she is safe and secure in her own home and to not have people whisper and gossip about who she lives with when all of this shit comes out. If I knew this about my house mate I would not have moved in with her in the first place.
5 Replies
I'd be finding my own place to live with your daughter for when the lease is up.
Although I think your friend is doing the wrong thing and I don't know your town, I think you are over reacting to how this might potentially effect your daughter, and legally she is allowed to have who ever she likes to visit.
If it's really bothering you talk to your friend about potentially breaking the lease earlier.
I'd definately be moving out!
It won't reflect on you, unless you're hanging out with them helping cover and all that. Just mind your business, its the best way to make House sharing work. Look to move when you can if it bothers you. It would bother me, makes it hard to be friends when you don't want to know about their personal life.
I don't understand how you think you and your daughter would be involved in this. It is her house to and it is unreasonable to ask her to not take him to the house she also pays rent and bills in. Yes what she is doing is morally wrong but no outcome would affect you. Sharing an address is not enough to make you involved. Sorry chick but I think you are over-reacting if you have that much of a problem with her morals stop living with her once your lease is up or tell his wife what's going on. But that will be involving yourself and that's not what you want to do. Are you saying your never going to want take someone home to your place? What if you start a relationship what rules are going to apply there? All legitimate questions.
I would be pretty bloody pissed off if I was put in that situation too. What happens if the wife shows up and presumes that it's you having the affair with this man? What happens if she decides to be a psycho and starts vandalising or slashing tyres (it does happen). You'll definitely get caught up in that, people will presume you were covering for your house mate. We all know what small towns are like. He will get called a dog for a week but you and your house mate will feel fallout for months. I'd get in contact with your estate agent and find out if you can break your part of the lease and move. Getting caught up in the potential shit storm the house mate has created is not a nice environment for your daughter.
PS good on you for having such strong moral fibre. You're a good woman and a good Mum :)