What would you do?
A bit of a back story - Early February my sister and I found out that my parents are getting divorced after 32 years on behalf of mum who has been having an affair for the last 8 months.
We found this out while overseas on a "family" holiday and to say the least we were devastated, heart broken for my dad and angry (just to name a few emotions).
Anyway, we have gotten to the point that we have accepted it and it is her choice and were slowly moving on with life.
Turns out my mum blames my sister and I as well as my dad for the marriage break down due to lack of not helping around the house to which she never communicated to any of us that she was that unhappy.
There are many things that factor into my hostile relationship with my mum, just to name a few.
- When I told her I had anxiety and depression she just shrugged it off and said "No you don't, doctors will tell you anything". I was so upset to say the least that I had no support from her when I really needed it the most.
- She refused to coming wedding dress shopping with me because she had a dancing competition that she just couldn't miss.
-When growing up never said I love you was ever affectionate.
These are just to name a few.
I was always for trying to have a relationship with my mum or at least try when we got news of the divorce but after hearing the information that she blames my sister and I, the fact that she says she tries to have a relationship with us and isn't going to bend over backwards as it's a two way street with my sister and I (which is a lie, she makes no effort what so ever - we took her out for high tea for mothers day and there was no appreciation whatsoever), when my dad says "the children" she always says "they're not children, they're adults and we'll get over the divorce". But I am currently having reservations to want to continue my relationship with her.
Yes, she deserves to be happy and supported and it was her choice to end the marriage but the fact she is playing the victim really bugs me. My mothers parents (my grandparents) have obviously taken her side and are now saying horrible things about my dad but if it wasn't for both my dad and mum they wouldn't be surviving. It breaks my heart to hear such words spoken about my dad who has always supported my mum and her parents.
Mothers day was extremely hard as I saw all of the lovely posts being put up on social media about how amazing everyone's mums are but could never write those things for my mum because she's never been there. All she seems to care about is her self, her new lover (the one she had an affair with) and her dancing(number one priority before anything else). Her actions make me question whether or not she ever wanted to have my sister and I or just did because that's what people do.
I guess my question is what would you do? cut all ties and move on with my own life or try and keep the relationship with a glimmer of hope that it will get better?
9 Replies
I'm sorry, but you are an adult and you shouldn't be your mums number 1 priority.
She wouldn't miss a competition but you wouldn't change the day of wedding dress shopping either??? She couldn't change the date of competition.
What's happening between her and your dad, is between her and your dad and has nothing to do with your relationship with her.
I get that it's a confusing time but I don't get it. Why would you need to cut ties over this???
I'm sorry but your comment is not helpful at all.
Even as adults your children should be a priority.
If you clearly read in the op's story her mum is now blaming her and her sister for the divorce. Clearly this has now become between the 4 of them.
A dancing competition is a dancing competition and there will always be others but your daughter only gets married once.
My suggestion would be not to comment if you have nothing nice to say or can offer support.
I'm sorry you feel that way. The OP asked what I would do and I answered. I didn't name call or put her down. It's just my perspective.
I do not feel my own mother should put me ahead of herself now. I'm an adult.
I wouldn't expect my mum to cancel something that had been planned for me. I'd either book a day she could come or ask someone else. But that's just me.
I don't believe I'd cut my mother out under these circumstances. I think I'd be annoyed she dragged me into the divorce but I'd tell her that.
This is just my opinion that is all.
If I'd called the OP names, called her childish etc I'd see your point. If you feel my answer was offensive feel free to report it.
Some people just don't like to take responsibility and she sounds like one of them. If she was that unhappy in my opinion she should have done something about the housework - but you know what, a lot of people do this and just like your mum it breaks them eventually. Can she feel that way? Absolutely, but it's pretty rude and careless of her to come out and say this is the why of it. I'm sure there was a lot more to it than no-one else putting the bins out or washing the dishes.
When it comes to depression, not everyone is a believer so it's up to you to look in appropriate places for support. My partner is one of those and that first time hurt, a lot. I love him dearly still, he's just not my go-to when I'm down.
I probably wouldn't miss something already planned with a set date for a shopping trip that could have been rescheduled. Unless you couldn't reschedule, I imagine it would be rare but not impossible for this to be the case but if so, then and only then would I forgo set plans. You call it a dancing competition but I'm guessing this and the people doing it with her are now a big part of her life and are also important to her? She may see this as more you trying to separate her from her friends by making them hate her for skipping out on the contest, what if they had to forfeit (sorry don't know how it works so assuming it's like pool/darts where if you don't show you automatically forfeit).
I'm hoping rarely saying I love you isn't a deal breaker for my own family, it's not how I was raised - in fact it is so the polar opposite of how I was raised that it makes me more than a little uncomfortable, so I am not affectionate other than the odd hug. With anybody.
I get the feeling, I've cut mine after being advised that it was possible by a psychologist who helped me through it. Just make sure you're not denying her a chance based on old biases, if you're going to cut her it will be hard so be sure it's what's really best. If you can both forgive each other for being human there may be a glimmer of hope, up to you if you want to push for it or not.
Maybe just minimise your (and your sister) involvement in the marriage breakup? Try not to take sides.
Both of them are hurting right now, which can lead to lashing out.
Personally... i know shes your mum. But she made her choice..
She cant keep playing the blame game for everything thats happening in her life..
Id cut all ties..
I went through it with my mum & i cut all ties right up until i had my own children & i knew they had a right to know her..
My mum was exactly the same.. anything went wrong in her life i would be to blame even though she was the one sleeping around behind her partners backs.
Dont take the blame. Just walk away.. youre an adult.. you can function without that sort of negative crap in your life.
What she is doing sounds very unfair. I don't think you need to cut all ties to move on. Perhaps have her at arms length and just don't put the effort into the relationship for the time being. Instead focus on yourself and your dad, it sounds like he deserves it more!
What is your relationship like with your grandparents? Could you sit them down for a talk and let them know your hurting over this? Perhaps confiding in them could open their mind to the situation.
Set down some boundaries eg " you will not say anything negative about my dad" that goes for your grandparents too, if you are confused about whether you want a relationship with your mum chances are you do but I think you're hurt about her lack of affection and that she chooses other things over you, maybe write a letter even if you don't send it, get it on paper so you can work through it in your own mind, best of luck
She sounds like a narcissist... Just like my mother.
When you spend your life growing up with a mother who never shows emotion, everything that goes wrong is always someone else's fault, tells the world how wonderful they are but behind closed doors the true person is revealed.. This is a hard life! An emotional roller coaster and it doesn't matter what you do or say nothing will change the way they are. They will never see reason, and very rarely apologise for anything..
This was my life growing up..
Then I had kids, then she started doing the same things to my kids.
I walked away. It was hard! very hard! There is always the guilt factor (something else a narcisist is fantastic at!) and I still have that feeling of something missing in my life, and that's a decent mother relationship. But I can say my life is easier, less stressful and finialy self confidence is something I am starting to gain.
No one can answer this for you, you have to do that your self, but she does sound toxic at the moment. Maybe walk away for a while and try regain the relationship later..