I am literally at wits end with my daughter.
A little bit about me I work full time as an assistant manager, I work 43 hours a week and have 2 children to 2 two different dads, a 4 yr old daughter and a 9 month old son. I'm enaged and getting married to the father of my 9 month old in 2018 who i have been with since my daughter was 8 months old. I have my son everyday of the week but my daughter i only have friday to monday every week.
My daughters father and I broke up due to him be cheating and we never get along, how ever i dont hold anything against him and feel he should be 110% apart of his daughter life and that we should have 50/50 responsibility over her. We have never involved our daughter in the bad part of our lives and hold no resentment towards each other about our past and purely only get along for her when we have to.
BUT recently I've found that I am just over my daughter!! She is too hard to deal with any more, shes manipulative, shes rude, she dosen't listen and has no respect foe anyone what so ever. I find myself yelling at her multiple time's a day and end up going complete insane and now suffer from stress related anxeity to the point I've had to go on medication for it.
To put this into perspective she is a little so and so, she plays me off against her father and tells me everytime she comes home how much she doesn't want to be here and that she wants to live with her father full time, she lies about so many things even her father and I abusing/beating her, she dosent acknowledge anyone on the family when she gets home and picks on her brother as well as hurts him, she dose everything in her power to be the centre of attention even hurt herself, be distructive or sit in the corner crying and mumbling to her self about why people dont love her or how she's going to hurt them for everything they have done and who she hates.
I have thought that she may feel jealous and not fell apart of the family so I've tried getting my partner to take my son so i can includ her in everything and focus on her and do things like cooking, cleaning, drawing together, reading, going to the park, for walks, changing my 9 month old, feeding him, I've even tried girly dates with us two but its got to be about her 24/7 or she plays up and I just dont have the energy any more.
Ive tried everything, doctors, psychologists, I've tried reasoning, smacking, talking to her and nothing works she is one track minded and I feel like if I let her go to her father's weekdays an stay with me on weekends she would be happier because its what she wants and I wouldnt have so much stress and anxeity.
27 Replies
Being 4 years old, honestly you cant have tried psychologists because my eldest has been seeing one for over 3 years and is only now being considered for discharge from the service.
You can of course send her to her father that is very much an option.
Having a rebalanced of time and resources that it is a true 50/50 split is also an option.
Although simply giving up and walking away is actually likely to make it worse.
Shouting at her will make it worse.
All kids go through this stage and it doesn't end til 20 something.
She wants and craves attention and the easiest way to get it is to be a little sh*t even if it results in negative attention.
Dont take the bait.
Give her only positive attention and don't wait for her to earn it before giving it to her. If she manipulates and tries her games and to hurt time her out.
Magic 1-2-3
Has mum tried a psychologist?
Some mindfulness some CBT
It is very important that you obtain help for yourself. 4yo's don't cause stress disorders. They do however respond to them. I'm not saying you have to keep her in your custody.
But sending her to dad's without addressing the issue will mean you are only dealing with it again in a few years time with her brother, and you won't have the option to send him away.
I dont think you read that properly :/... we already have 50/50 split. I have her friday to monday and he has her from monday to thursday. Ive been to two different psychologist that both tell me there is nothing wrong with her. Ive done everything you have said but my mental health is getting worse and effecting my work and my time with not only her but my son as well.
Then it is your mental health to address 4yo's don't cause stress disorders. Sending her away won't address your mental health. You still have a son to worry about.
I understand posting this im open to be ridiculed in every way possible and thank you for your advice but I think you may be judging me quiet harshly. You maybe able to deal with the behavior of my child and I congratulate you for being so strong in that regard but myself how ever I am not. You only know what i have posted not what she has broken me down to, it is not just this yr she has done this, she has been this way since she was born. Stress induced anxeity can be brought on in many ways including from your children but thanks for your input
Its not ridicule. Its experience. I have PTSD if I don't manage it well the kids fully exploit it.
They dont cause it but they certainly know how to exploit it.
I actually do know how full on kids can be. I have 2 special needs kids.
I know exactly why you are hesitant to send her. Can understand it entirely. Even if she is only visiting on weekends or not there at all you will still need to learn to manage your mental health. There is no shame in mental illness.
What exactly are the behaviours you are dealing with? Not just the manipulations etc that's normal for kids in separated families....
The rest of it....
Does she sleep?
What is it that makes you think something is wrong? Is it chronic/episodic
What is the suspicion that's niggling that they haven't seen?
*pours two cups of tea* seriously sit tell me, what is going on that has you so tied up in knots.
If they have missed what you have picked up on sending her away won't make it go away. You know this, I know this. Mental illness is largely genetic if you have a stress disorder regardless of what set it off...it means you were predisposed to developing one which means she likely is too, but it could present as something else.
Which psychologist did you take her too? It took quite literally 10 years to get anyone to acknowledge that what was happening go my girls wasn't just a kids imagination or standard tantrums. None of them understood the scale of it because it was always between episodes when they saw them due to waiting lists.
Child and youth mental health services is literally the place to go to. To get access call mental health triage in your area and tell them your 4yo is self harming. Thats all they need to know.
They have access to paediatricians psychologists child psychiatrists and they deal with this day in and day out. Although even they at this age may not be able to put their finger on it but from what you have said it could be just about anything alot of what you mention could be attributed to depression but depression is a feature of almost every disorder so isnt particularly helpful. Its both a symptom AND a disorder in its own right.
For them to admit that an 8 year old suddenly deciding to 'fly' through a shop window wasn't just a kids normal flights of fancy.
That 3yo's literally do try to commit suicide and it isnt just a tantrum.
That 9yo's when asked to get carrots from the fridge genuinely believe they were told to paint the shed.
That a child dancing randomly through the house in their own world isn't just imaginative play but something else
The bad news is you probably won't be able to convince them that a 4yo has signs of illness. I've been there unless there is some admission of abuse they dont think mental illness occurs in children in this country. Most other countries however do.
Mind you even if they did diagnose I can honestly say I don't know of any medications actually safe for a 4yo for such conditions.
My suggestion to fill gaps is have a blood test done.
Check blood sugar thyroid function vitamin D levels.
Put her on vitamin D and omega 3.
Its worth giving a 'try' there is a Bauyer oral spray called 'calm' its homeopathic so largely placebo but it does contain small amounts of passion flower.
We used it for my youngest it gave her something to do when getting worked up and she believed it helped which is all that matters. Importantly in the course of going and getting it, it removed her from what she was doing.
*Urgh I got beaten by the autocorrect bat I might miss some corrections but it should make sense soon*
There is no harm in letting a perfectly loving father raise their child. It doesn't automatically have to be mummy who raises a child after a break up.
It should be whoever is best equip to suit the childs need, and in this case that might just be daddy.
Be sure its what you want, though, and that it really is best for all involved.
And you'll get a lot of comments telling you to keep her in your care, but you just need to do what's best for all involved. Strangers on the Internet can't tell you what that is.
Only you, your partner and your ex can decide that.
He's not only a perfectly loving father but he has been with the same girl for 3 1/2 years who adores her as well. My daughter much prefer's to go back to her fathers and always has (she's been a daddies girl from day one) and we have never had a connection nor have we bonded in anyway. I think im just fearful of loosing her for good if she goes and not being able to see her then having her grow up and hate me because i let her go.
I have to say there is harm in giving your child up completely, for either parent. Daddy can definitely have more care or full time care but please dont give up your rights entirely at this point. Even if you visit her and give her a cuddle and a card once a fortnight for now. youre at the bottom and you feel like you just cant, but i am sure you are seeing and feeling this situation through a mental illness haze, where nothing is possible and there is no future, but one day you will see it differently.
She is being 4, that's what 4 year olds do. Your son will most likely be difficult at 4 too.
I agree with above posters, shes only four and youve used a lot of mean descriptors of her, but if you really believe it is all her and she is unbearable, then she will also be that for her dad and step mum and then when they give up on her, who has she got?
I think you need to accept some responsibility that she is only four - not old enough to really have tried anything long term - and also not old enough to know anything better than her environment, and also that relationships always take two , and you hold higher accountability being the parent. And that taking into account all the points - her age, your baby, your mental health - its very likely that this can situation can change.
Dont give up completely.
Prrsonally i think she could spend more time with her dad, but dont give up on her. Shell never have another mother, youre it. She needs your love. Im sure she'll be heartbroken and confused and blame herself enormously if she has to go to dads, im sure despite all her acting up, she wants nothing more than to be with you, but you all be happy.
I think its a great opportunity to have some space and time and work on your mental health, reset and aim to gently rebuild your relationship and interactions.
http://www.theimperfectmum.com.au/question/12322/sitting-fish-bowl-ever-...
If they had posted it you wouldve seen this today and maybe realised being a parent with mental illness actually isnt all bad, but they didnt they skipped this and a whole swathe of other peoples posts.
Our kids can genuinely benefit from us particularly if they find themselves in the same boat at some stage. And it is from US that they learn how to manage mental health. But we can only teach them how to do this, if we step up and own it, address it, and learn for ourselves how to manage it.
Even Bipolar and Schizophrenia are not managed with medications alone. Living well with mental illness is very much about addressing the whole.
I get it I do I've struggled for years to get my kids help. But not in order to address my mental health, because they needed help. For my mental health I got my own help. Its great that it has been diagnosed. But anxiety disorders meds alone don't work. Need to throw in a dash of mindfulness, some CBT, maybe even some dbt, perhaps even some emdr, but you will only figure out which by seeing specialists for you.
I am actually really proud of my mental health I have a 16 page report saying how stable I am. But it didn't happen over night. Its taken years of work....and when things get rocky going back and doing more work before it gets any worse.
Hi IM, firstly can I send you a big hug. This sounds like a really tough situation! 4yr olds can be so difficult!!
You have said that you have 50/50 with your ex, firstly is he willing to take her more??
Could you maybe come to a short term agreement where perhaps he has her 70 you 30 for awhile and see how this goes?
She definately needs you both in her life but they do go through difficult stages and different parents can handle it differently. I know I have a different approach to hubby and sometimes his way works sometimes mine does.
If she has that great connection with dad at the moment then I would be encouraging that both for her and to give you the break you need without making any long term decisions.
Would your ex be open to that for a few months and then re evaluate?
Good luck IM I really hope things work out. Please keep up updated
So she's going through a difficult stage and you are ready to give up?
What happens if your son gets difficult at 3 or 4 will you pass him off too?
I think you need to work on your relationship with your child.
The fact is she wants to go and comes home distraught and dosent want to be with me.
I dont want to give up i want whats best for her and myself mentally.
She's 4, not 14 (or 24 for that matter). She is relying on YOU.
You are her one and only mum, don't give up on her.
I've never been in these circumstances but how about going to mediation and swapping care to how you want it now with a written agreement to have the ability every 6 months or so to nominate for it to go to 50/50. That way you get some separation now and have the opportunity to increase time with her based on how you are both coping. If you haven't yet, try the PPP parenting program. I found it very useful many years ago for learning to cope with a child with ODD, it certainly can't hurt.
Some days I openly say I hate my 4yo to my hubby, i also have a 7mth old baby and I'm a full time stay at home mum so I get no escape from her. However, I got counseling as I identified (just as you have) a while back that I just needed a little extra help with coping with her. It hasn't changed her but it's made me look at a volatile situation and react or cope better 75% of the time. But, if you need down time perhaps exchange one of your weekend days for a week day so that you still have her but it's for a slightly lesser time. Please don't give up on her, she's only 4.
If this is how you feel about your daughter then YES she should be will her Father 100% of the time as it is unsafe to be with you.. It sounds to me that you have not only moved on from her Father but from her as well and are quite happy to have your new family..
Despite how hard parenting can be your daughter needs love, nurture and encouragement.. Maybe because the times she needs you, you are not there? Or when you are you just yell and smack?
I really don't like to come across like this as you obviously need help, but no little Princess is a little so and so.. My heart just breaks!
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Totally agree with you
Honestly this post breaks my heart! It sounds like she's too difficult for you so you want to put her in the too hard basket? Kids act out like this for a reason, the way you speak about her tells me you both need support from a psychologist - I know you said you have tried, try a different one. Speaking from experience, they ain't all great. You need to find one that will work with you both. Your daughter needs to feel safe and loved in her little world and I'm guessing she is struggling with that right now. Please don't give up on her, she deserves much more.
I do think you are being judged too harshly here ! If you are at your wits end and your mental health is not managed then the whole ordeal will feel so much worse !!!
Have you heared terrible twos, tiresome threes and f*d up fours !? It's true that four year olds are really difficult just in general . It does sound like yours is having a really hard time and that might be because she doesn't really understand why she lives in two places , why the rules might be different at each house and also that she has to share at your house or why her little brother gets more attention then her . This age they really ramp up the testing the boundaries !! It's like all of a sudden they realize they can push a lot harder and get what they want and they are also really testing just how far they really can push you. Then they are devastated when they break you and they don't know what to do then !! She's learning all the time . Try really hard to keep that in perspective . Having said that the worst thing you could do is give up on her now! She needs you more then you can imagine . As hard as that is!!! I really do encourage you to get more support for yourself ! Would her dad agree to giving you just one week off ? To take a break .. Breathe in and out calm yourself and try to see her behaviors as needing you rather then trying to hurt you ! You CAN do this !!
Wow did i just really read that!!! You say you work 40+ hours a week which i assume come out of your time with her... then you get rid of her for the weekends whilst she goes to her dads, i dont blame her for feeling left out she probably see's you and your parnter being close with bub it would be hurting her..we relised this when i had my second daughter to a different dad to her..she resented us and bub for it we soon changed it tho my fiance started going out of his way more to spend more time with my eldest and it not all being about the baby we soon noticed a change...you need to relise she is ONLY 4....maybe step down at work i assume she goes to daycare whilst your at work...let her spend time at home with you show her some love and attention...sit down with your partner and work out a weekly routine which involves you both spending time with her...she is probably soo confused between being sent to daycare which means hardly seeing you then being sent to her dads on the weekends..amd of course her dad is going to give her the extra attention and he probably spends his whole weekend with her and she notices the difference compared to when she is with you....this poor child probably feels like no one cares about her.....you should go try do a positive parenting course they teach you some great stratergys...and if you decide to just pass her on so you dont have to deal with her so much just remember she is becoming of the age where she will hate you and remember it later on in life and she will resent you forever
I feel like this poor IM is crying out for support, yet most of the responses have been berating her for the way she feels. Regardless of our feelings and opinions on it this is a serious cry for help. Too often we hear of mothers who have done horrible things to their own children and cannot quite work out why they didn't ask for help - well I guess a lot of the responses here show us why.
Perhaps the IM could arrange a different schedule with Dad? Or ask for some extended "time off" which could be "made up" at a later date while she works on her health? I don't think needing a time out, regardless of how long, is a bad thing and the reality of the situation is that she does have the option of Dad for support so why not utilise that? Assuming he is open to working with you on this. It sounds like you need a time out to clear your head.
I'm sure you love your little girl so, so much! It's hard to keep the positivity in the forefront of your mind when you have other things clouding your thought processes. As long as you're doing any decision making with her best interests at heart then you're doing the right thing.
Life gets hard. Kids are hard. Thank you for asking for help.
Wtf did i just read ??! She is 4!! For the sake of this innocent child give her to her father! People like you dont deserve children. So what if she is naughty sometimes or gets on your nerves.. what 4 year old child dosnt!? But how dare you blame your child for your mental health! This makes me so mad. I suffer from bi-polar and have 3 small children that i have to care for on my own, and some days they push me to the brink of insanity but not for one second would i think of palming them off to someone else father or not. Grow up and get over yourself. Please for there sake dont have anymore children your clearly not fit to be a parent.