So my husband of 11 years and I separated over a year ago now while I was pregnant with our third child.
There were a few issues contributing to the split but the biggest was the amount of time he was spending with his supervisors wife (they had common interests such as music and fishing).
So anyway he moved into a friends backroom. As he didn't have a place if his own kids could not stay over night so it was just day visits.
Every time the kids were/are there SHE is there. She started buying my kids toys and presents and on a few occasions she drove him to my place to drop the kids off as he lost his license.
The last instance was I had to take our baby to hospital as he had trouble breathing and I rang his dad to let him know what was going on and he told me to keep him posted.
So we end up being admitted to hospital and kept over night.
Again I rang to let his dad know only to be informed by his house mate (husband doesn't have mobile only home phone) that he was out with HER.
Now the thing is he is adamant that they are only friends but it doesn't feel that way to me.
She is constantly there. My children are never alone with their dad.
I have come to the point that it hurts so much I physically cannot deal with the situation anymore.
I cannot speak to him. I cannot look at him nothing. I immediately break down.
This means the kids have not seen their dad in nearly a month now. He has called and left voice mails abusing me and saying I'm keeping the kids from him but I don't know what to do any more.
My boys need their dad I know that. I have always believed in 50/50 contact where possible but it is killing me every time I see him with her or hear that she was there or she bought them this or that.
I physically break down and it can take me a good couple of days to recover emotionally.
I know this is not healthy for my children to see either.
Please I don't know what to do anymore
Contact with children's father
Contact with children's father
Posted in:
Life Lessons, Relationships & Marriage, Parenthood Guilt
7 Replies
Wow that sounds really rough.
I totally get you freaking out over her.
Is she still with her husband? Does he know how much time they spend together?
Since this is causing you to have a physical reaction (anxiety attack) i think it really needs to be addressed asap. A counsellor or psychologist would be so helpful for you to lay out all your problems, frustrations and fears and find ways to overcome them. A referral from your gp entitles you to six bulk billed sessions.
I think the kids need to see their dad (and you already know that) the kids havent done anything wrong so they dont need to cop the puishment and not see their father. Could you speak to your ex and be honest and say you will meet him at a park (or whatever) so he can spend time with the kids on the condition that she doesnt come.
Or invite him to your house for dinner (if you feel comfortable that is) and stipulate the invite is only for him.
Unfortunately the harsh truth is that if he chooses to be around her, that is ultimately his choice. However i think you can tell him that YOU do not want to see her at drop off or pick up times.
And please find someone to help you with anxiety xx
I don't mean to be harsh, but does it really matter?
You're hurting your children because your ex is moving on.
How would you feel if he took the children and kept them from you because you were overly friendly with another male?
You said it yourself - your children deserve their father.
Get yourself some therapy, overcome the pain you're feeling, and start putting your children first.
You're completely allowed to feel the way you do, but that doesn't mean you punish both him and your children.
Too many loving fathers are kept from their children because they were a useless husband/partner. As long as the children are safe and well loved, it shouldn't matter.
And to what above said -
He is allowed to have whoever he wants with him when he sees the children (provided that they are safe around them). Suggesting she not be there will cause drama.
And it will NOT look good if it goes to court, and you've alienated children over such a petty matter.
Again, your feelings are justified and I apologize for being harsh, but please get the help you need to learn to co parent efficiently.
I hate to say it but you need to let him go. I know youre heartbroken but hes not for you and you will find the right one and when youre in a good place you wont care that hes still creeping round with his bosses ex. Its weird. For what its worth, My guess is an affair she wont let him bring out to anyone. Either way, you need to focus on you and move forward. Tell everybody you dont want to know about her. Plan the kids time with their dad and do that and only that.
And im sorry for wat youre going through, trust me , you will get through it and come out happy.
It's not about how you feel anymore. Sorry, but he has every right to be with who ever he wants to be with, friends or otherwise. He isn't living with you so doesn't have to be accountable for where he is or who he is with.
You sound emotionally stuck. The kids need to see there dad. Ask a friend or family member to do exchanges for awhile and I think it's a really good idea if you go get counselling.
I can totally relate to how you are feeling about this other woman. But the other comments I agree with, as hard as it is you need to put your feelings aside for your kids sake. Perhaps get someone else to drop off/pick up so that you don't have to see him and her. And you really need to take care of yourself and get your emotions under control, it is so hard I know but it needs to be done. You will get past this and please know that you are worth more and there is someone out there who will know your worth and you will meet them when the time is right.
Are you seriously keeping the kids from their father because you are jeoulos of a girl he is hanging out with? Im sorry but I find that disgusting. He is SINGLE he can spend his time with whoever he wants to, how dare you take that out on your poor children. I understand your hurting but you need to put your feelings aside and think of your kids.
Keeping the kids from their dad becase of your issues is 100% wrong on every level.
Who he is spending time with is none of your buisness unless they have a negative affect on your children, which it sounds like she has a positive affect on them.
Get someone else to drop them off and get yourself some counselling.