It really does frustrate me when posters say 'please no negative comments...just asking for advice'.
Now the reason this annoys me so much is simple - what one person sees as negative, another may see as positive - it is all subjective.
When we post questions on here we often hope to hear someone else say the things that we already know but just need for someone else to say. We also need to know both the potential negatives and potential positives of a situation before we can make an informed decision. So quite often what we actually need and what we think we need can be different.
This isn’t to say that people should be abusive – because that is just plain wrong and rude. And it is quite easy to get your message across without being a horrible cow!
So for future posters – if I see that you don’t want negative replies, I probably will not post my advice. Because whilst my advice will be written with absolute respect, it may not be all sweet and scenty. Because life is like an old rose – some parts are sweet and scenty, and some have thorns!
6 Replies
...it is possible to give good advice without being nasty......
from my experience these posters are happy to have clear concise ADVICE...even if it isnt all roses and rainbows...
the problem is responses, Particularly on Facebook aren't just critical they ARE outright abusive in no way at all constructive, and are written purely to make the poster feel like a big person by putting down another mum....
there is a HUGE massive difference between critical but constructive, and that which is nasty and abusive.
even on the forums here there have been posts which have been inundated in as many as 17-25 ABUSIVE responses really really really cold hearted bitch nasty with nothing at all remotely constructive said by 99% of responders....
and I haven't iced it I put it there raw....I said hun you are a woman it is your choice to make...this is what is happening in front of you....these are the factors involved.....these are your options...
and it made the world of difference for her....not because I told her what to do...but because I broke it down and SAW what she was living. I said it is ok....it doesn't matter what ANYONE thinks because this is your life and you are a big girl and I clarified things and left the decision to her....
in among a tidal wave of PURE venom...not directed at her....but directed at her loved one who had broken her heart....
all she wanted to hear was....it IS her choice.....and ONLY her choice. and no one has a right to judge the decision she makes because she is the only person who lives with it
I quite regularly post "observations" or "knowledge" rather than "Questions"
Because;
1. I have seen the standard of the majority of answers..
2. I have seen how often people are abused on the facebook page
3. The questions I do have to ask I pay Professionals to give me accurate, knowledgeable answers
4. I know which professionals to ask which questions, and which references in which to find the answers.
5. My posts are for the women who don't post questions but ACTUALLY do care and want to learn and appreciate experience.
I don't care if they reply or not to let me know it was useful to them. I don't really care if it was useful directly or not, it still achieves the same if it got them thinking. I Ignore the venom and attacks because it wasn't posted for the Narcissists who tend to dominate responses with knee jerk emotional answers.
Yes, there's a huge difference between constructive advice and being a know it all jerk. Unfortunately some people don't know the difference :/
What I dont get is;
You can not like something but it doesn't make it negative.
You can like a negative comment and doing so doesnt make it positive
These are actually quite objective terms you are claiming are subjective.
There are laws and policies which define what abuse is and isn't.
Our language is actually quite stringently defined the meaning of words actually isnt changed by the reader. A words meaning is determined by the context of its use.
Even a computer can quite objectively isolate and inform you of the meaning of a word in any given context.
I think someone who doesnt want negative replies already knows how badly itll sound and be judged, they just dont want to hear shes an idiot, to run, thats hes the biggest dickhead living and all the other off the cuff replies. its very easy to say whats right and whats wrong and what needs to happen when youre not living it, its a whole lot harder to live through and see clearly from the inside, and make decisions and changes. Thats why we write in, for support.
Bingo, you rock, you totally understand how counter productive and harmful blame is. You get a sticker it says *I Rock Empathy!*
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=RZWf2_2L2v8&feature=youtu.be