Where do you draw the line as a step parent? Can I hear from other step parents to see how involved you are in your step child's life. Do you think it's possible for a step parent to over step the mark? TIA!!
Where do you draw the line as a step parent? Can I hear from other step parents to see how involved you are in your step child's life. Do you think it's possible for a step parent to over step the mark? TIA!!
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8 Replies
VERY easily.......I have been a step parent and been a biological parent dealing with ex's and step parents.
leave discipline to the Biological parent.....
be involved in setting rules...reinforce them don't change them
never countermand or override the biological parents instructions particularly in front of the child.
Time Out's is what you have to work with....
When my step daughter is in our care, I treat her the same as I treat my son. From love, to discipline - they're equal.
I don't care about 'boundaries' as her mother is extremely abusive and neglectful.
She's gone ballistic at my husband and I over things like brushing step daughters hair, or that she found a photo of myself and step daughter when she was 'monitoring' my Facebook account.
She's literally told my husband to not let me anywhere near step daughter when we had her.
My step daughter comes ahead of her feelings. She comes ahead of my feelings.
As long as step daughter is loved, cared for, and has what she needs, I don't see the big deal.
Isn't it better that the child has someone that loves them so much?
No one blinks twice when its the step father who changes nappies, bathes the child, reads to them, makes them their meals, watches the child without mum present, whatever.
isn't it better that you respect that her father is her father.....
its not a tit for tat between you and her mother as to who can one up each other on mothering....
you are a very good example of where the line has been stepped over when you consider it a personal mission to ignore disregard and operate irregardless of the wishes of not just the "other" but either of the child's parents....which would only put fuel the fire....
as is your situation will never resolve.
Are you serious?
I only just saw this response, but wow.
Of course I am going to disregards mums wishes. Her wishes are to make sure that she spends no time with myself or her father. Her wishes are that the child gets disciplined in a way that is legally considered abuse. Her wishes is that my husband suffers. She even had him attacked by one of her friends.
As I said, my step child comes first.
Her father does a majority of the caring when she's in our care, but she is my step daughter and I care about her.
Do you really expect a step mother to outright ignore her step child when she's in her care?
Because that is what the mother wishes.
But hey, as long as the mother is happy, who cares about the children, right...
Yep - easily- have a look at empoweringparents.com - they have some great stuff on step parenting. The one thing I learnt very early on is that you always have to defer to the Bio Parent - ALWAYS - this is not negotiable - having said that - this is an example - we've recently received the report card and according to Bio Parent - the marks aren't good enough - so when I get home and the Stepson is happily ensconced in front of Netflix, I ask the question - do you have homework to do ... depending on the answer, I will tell him to go and get it done. I am not interfering with the Bio Parent in this instance, I am reinforcing the Bio Parent's wish for better results. I've found that you can ask, and more often than not, you'll be refused - to me it is all a power play. But so long as I am reinforcing or supporting Bio Parent - there are no limits.
The hard part for me is that I don't have children of my own so I have no idea what I would do if I was dealing with my own child in that situation. I do find there is absolutely nothing wrong with saying I need to clarify this with your father, or I need to check this with your farther first. That way you are respecting their relationship and the boundaries that have been set up already. You can't be seen as interfering because you are "allowing" (bad word choice sorry) the father to still control the situation and you asking for their direction. Nobody can be upset by that.
Good luck :)
I'm a Mum as well as a step-mum. There should be boundaries to a degree. Things that have upset me are my kids step-mum taking my daughter for her first manicure/pedicure... I would like to have to opportunity to do the "firsts" that a Mum gets to do with her daughter. Buy her 1st bra..go formal dress shopping.....little things like that. The rest doesn't bother me. I know my kids are loved by their step-mum & they are lucky to have her. I should add she has her own daughters who are younger than my daughter to do those "firsts" with. I think people need to stop viewing it as a competition & remember just because a child loves someone else doesn't diminish the love they have for you.
I have been in a relationship with my partner for 2 years, he has a 6 year old boy, who is co-parented by a dedicated Mum and Dad.
Initially I kept my distance in terms of correcting unacceptable behaviour. I used that time to observe my partner's parenting style. His reaction to most things was exactly how I was reacting in my own mind. It was quite comforting to know we were on a similar wavelength about raising children as I had long term in my mind with him.
After I moved in we decided safety and manners was where I could feel comfortable and safe intervening, and SS knew that this is what he could expect from me.
We have bought a house together so as far as I'm concerned we all have to feel comfortable, which means I have a say in day to day things, and if my partner and I disagree on something we back each other up in front of SS then discuss it fully later on. I regularly ask SS how he thinks things are going in our house to open up the opportunity for feedback from him. My partner encourages one-on-one time so we can develop our friendship, and I support the boys having their time without me so hopefully he feels comfortable and gets the opportunity to talk to one of us if he doesn't feel he can talk to both of us together.
Basically, day to day stuff (praise, teaching life skills, homework, enforcing house rules) I am hands on with and long term things like school decisions, health and discipline for "big" things is left up to mum and dad and I support their decision. I am lucky my partner does listen to my opinions and the relationship with his ex wife is mostly amicable.
Yes I do,my children had a step mum for around two years, she brought two of her own children into this realationship,she would lock my children out of the birth home all day on the weekend visit,it was never going to be an even playing field,so for me as the mother looking on at what was going on and not being able to say very much as i love how my boys know they can talk to me about anything,i just sat back and supported them,I know it must be very hard to be a step parent,but please just be there for them,they dont need or want a new dad or mum,i am happy to say that my boys have a very lovely -- to be step mum,she cooks with them,does home work,rides motor bike with them,they are very lucky.