Why does everyone seem to automatically tell people to leave their relationships anytime anything isn't 100%? Does no one feel their partner/relationship is worth at least trying to fight for? It astounds me how 'leave' seems to be the first suggestion at the first sign of trouble. My husband and I have had very hard times over our 10 years together, but now are better than ever. We couldve taken the easy route and just threw in the towel as soon as shit hit the fan but we both knew the other was worth fighting for. Not really a question, just an observation - & a sad one at that.
'Leave' as soon as something goes wrong
'Leave' as soon as something goes wrong
Posted in:
Life Lessons, Relationships & Marriage, Self Care
10 Replies
When I jump to the leave is when the person writing in has said
I've communicated with him about this and he doesn't see the problem (eg doesn't care about her feelings so isn't going to work with her)
Or
I've suggested counselling and he won't go (eg isn't prepared to work on the relationship)
Or
There is abuse or multiple cheating
Or
There is addiction that the partner has refused help for.
Truth is a lot of the questions written in are about abuse/addiction/cheating/or a partner who has refused to compromise!
Some things are not acceptable. Some things are deal breakers or warning signs of much deeper issues and some relationships really do need to be left, even though the people in them don't see it and want to keep trying and really hold onto hope that he'll change or she can talk him into changing or try harder and everything will be good.
I know because I was one of them.
People see the signs that's why they say leave. Or they see something they would never put up with, that's why.
It's a good reminder sometimes that what you're dealing with really is out of the norm and not acceptable.
Usually when someone writes in its well and truly past the first signs of trouble.
I've seen it quite a lot as well.
I also see the same thing with the word 'abuse' being thrown around over something small or stupud said or done in the heat of the moment.
Marriage is a massive deal to me. Unless there is infidelity or physical abuse, I will continue to work on any problems we may go through. To me, it is worth the fight. Hell, I might even work through cheating and violence, but I hope that never becomes something I'll find out about.
Some of the things that women write in about are disgusting and they need to leave and seak legal advice.
But other things are simple issues - or even their own problems that they are projecting onto the situation - and they're told to leave.
I've even seen posters attack commenters for offering constructive advice, because they were only writing in to bitch about their partner and have people agree with them.
I've also seen the same women tell posters to keep the children from their ex because they were insulted by the ex and that 'abuse' shouldn't be tolerated.
I don't know when we became such a sensitive, bubble wrapped society, but life and love are meant to be hard.
But for me, it is more than worth the fight.
I fought for 7 years to make my relationship work before I left, I didn't ask for any one else's opinion or for advice for the first six. When he cheated on me when our first born was six weeks old, when he refused to get him self help, refused to give up the drugs, refused to help with our children when we were both working full time doing the same job at the same place, refused to help around the house or get his license and refused to take an anger management course or stop calling me a fat cake eating cunt time and time again and after the third time he had me up against a wall with a hand around my throat and a fist in my face. That's when I decided enough was enough and it was time to let it go and move on. I worked on this for years before I left. I didn't just walk away and you know what I should have after the first year. These women who suggest leaving and getting out are some of the smartest women and know what's worth saving and what's not. To you leaving isn't an option you take your marriage seriously who's to say no one else does. Who's to say they haven't tried everything possible before they write in for advice and hear/read what they already know in their hearts to be true. I would have never left over the dirty socks on the floor or the no helping with dinner but infidelity/physical and mental abuse and the other person refusing to do anything about it is reason to get out. I was young when I got with my ex the relationship was everything I knew and had seen and thought was right. I'm now in a relationship with someone who helps me, who loves me, who doesn't hit me or make me cry and who treats me with the utmost respect. I didn't know this was possible. We need to stop saying to women you are not trying hard enough to fix your relationship we need to tell them that they are strong for leaving everything they know and love to find someone who treats them like they are supposed to be treated!!!
Well said.
Just because I don't want to be someone's door mat, just because I won't tolerate name calling, just because I won't tolerate someone taking advantage of me doesn't mean I don't value relationships. It means I value myself more!
I think its more the posts where women are being told to end a relationship about something small, when they are asking for advice to move past the issue.
Obviously this poster didn't mean you should continue being in an abusive relationship.
Its just that love is hard, but that doesn't mean you should give ul if its meant to be.
I am the poster and that's exactly right - I'm in no way condoning staying in a violent relationship or something like that, it was more of an observation that modern society is so throw away, even partners seem to be throw away at the first sign of stress
Not all women are going to put in every little detail of what's going wrong in their relationship. I never mentioned a word of the physical abuse I suffered at the hands of my ex and from the outside everyone who knew us couldn't see any problems apart from me being screamed at and being treated like crap. They didn't know what was going on behind closed doors. To them it was ok for him to talk to me like that because that's how they all spoke to their girlfriends. When I finally said enough and got out they were all confused as hell. We were together 8 years the problems started about 9-10months in and I was pregnant no way out back then. I didn't know how to get out. I tried and I tried hard. It's the little things, those stupid crazy little things that lead to things escalating and going bad. I could have tried harder, should have left earlier but it's when we start complaining about the little things that hide the bigger things and then have people say "oh your leaving over something so small" they don't ask was anything else going on.... No one asks if theirs anything else going on. Women that give up most of us don't give up because of the little things we give up and get out because we've tried everything and nothing has worked and when two people are meant to be together they will stay together. But when two people are so toxic for each other and are actually bad for each other they should not stay together.
My husband and I have discussed this recently, after the dissolution of a family members marriage.
For us, there are only a few deal breakers - cheating, domestic violence and addictions that the person refuses to seek help for. Anything else, we fight to keep together. Whatever it takes.
I think some of it comes from our upbringings. Though each of us have a divorced parent, both remarried, it was due to extenuating circumstances and not "falling out of love" or "growing apart".
I think it also helps that we were together for a long time before we married (7 years before engaged, 9 before married) and had children (13 years together, 4 married) so we had a lot of time to know eachother and work out if this was forever.