*sensitive subject, apologies in advance*
*Please be kind with no judgement xxxx*
I desperately need some advice please from people that have dealt with a suicide in the family as I've never had to deal with it and I'm lost.
I got the dreaded knock on the front door early this morning from my dad and sister (step sister) coming to tell my my brother had finally succumbed to his depression and took his own life last night. Technically he is my step brother and was brought into my life 11 years ago, but I never refer to him as my step brother. He was my brother. My brother from another mother, literally! I shared a bond with him like I've never experienced in my life and I truly believe we were soul mates. The one person I never had to hold back anything around. We were closer to each other than we were to our blood siblings. We've been the one big happy family that knew we belonged together. Since having our daughter almost 3 years ago we had all grown even closer as she is the brightest shining light in a family full of stars. The only times I saw my brother truly happy in the past few years was when he was with our girl. They were like magnets, always drawn to each other. My daughter talks about him all the time and gets stuck on repeat asking to go see him until I give in. We were at his place 4 nights last week and usually 2 or 3 times a week, I knew he was struggling but no where near the point I thought he would actually go through with it. Suicide had always been an open, well spoke about subject in the family because his dad took his own life in the same way 10 years ago last September. I never thought he would let things get that bad as he had lived and breathed the distraction and hurt it causes the family. I'm not gonna lie, I'm struggling big time. I'm so grateful I had friends and family come around today to care for my daughter because I just couldn't. My husband is away at work and can't get home until Wednesday. I'm so scared my daughter is going to ask about her Uncle. I don't know how to deal with it or what I would say. I don't want to lie to her because she always seems to know and is very clued on to what's going on around her. I'm so ashamed that she had to see me in the state I was in today before someone could come and take her off my hands. I lost it. Many times. And I know it's only going to get worse. It's only day 1. What do I do? Luckily my mum is taking her to her house tomorrow morning for the whole day so that I can go and face reality and see my step mum because I just couldn't do it today. I also suffer from depression and anxiety and have had some really dark times since becoming a mum but I've always been able to soldier on and be a mum. This time I just can't. Is that even allowed? Has anyone ever had to ask a family member or close friend to please just take my child for a few days because I can't look after her right now and she deserves better? I don't know what to do
Family tragedy
Family tragedy
Posted in:
Mental Health, Anxiety & Depression, Self Care, Parenthood Guilt
6 Replies
This post brought tears to my eyes.
Suicide is such a horrible way to lose someone.
You are completely "allowed" to take a break from life at a time like this.
Take as long as you need. You'll find the strength to continue on soon enough, but no one can be strong at a time like this.
You are allowed to be an absolute mess. He is your brother. Blood doesn't define that.
Remember him, mourn him, be angry at him for hurting you, forgive him, and never forget him.
You'll be in my thoughts this Easter xo
Ohh my heart breaks for you. You are allowed to fall to pieces. You are allowed to mourn and cry and be a mess. Your daughter is well cared for, now make sure you care for yourself. Lots of love to you and your family x
I havent experinced suicide death but when my daughter was 3 my FIL died she adored her grandfather and i had to be the one to tell her what happened. I told her the truth. Sat her down told her grandad had died he wasnt coming back and it was ok to be sad cos we all loved him. We both cried together. A few days later a family friend got a pic of him framed with a lovely poem and gave it to her. Its on her wall in her bedroom where grandad watches over her. You have to be prepared they do speak about them and ask about them and why they cant see them and you just have to explain they died and are in heaven now and its ok to be aad and miss them cos we loved them. After awhile they start to speak of them less and stop asking questions about them. Iam sorry for your loss and hope you can get through this hard time.
I'm so sorry. I lost my mother to suicide almost 10 years ago now and I can tell you that although the pain never leaves you, it does get easier to deal with on a day to day basis. You will go through a whole array of emotions, and every one of them is okay. There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
My older daughters were three and five at the time and extremely close to their Nanna. I told them that she had died but gave them no details and they didn't ask at the time. They were given a framed photo of her which they still have to this day. As they grew older I answered in an age appropriate, honest manner. That Nanna had depression and that she had done something dangerous to herself and had died. I organised grief counselling for them also and that helped tremendously.
Take time for yourself and seek grief counselling or a support group if you feel that you would benefit from it (I didn't think I would but in the end it was fantastic). Be gentle with yourself. It will change over time and you will get through. You don't need to be strong for everyone else. It's ok to fall apart. It's ok to ask for help xxx.
https://www.facebook.com/Theimperfectmum/posts/1118770811522881
Hey there - Kelly here from The Imperfect Mum team, and I've just posted your question asap as I hope someone is able to offer some advice asap for you.
Biggest hugs for all you're going through xKelly
Thank you for writing in. I've not as yet gone through this but am worried about my brother in law who has tried to commit suicide once last year and still has not got the help he needs.
I'm terrified that I'll be writing your exact words in the near future and needing explanations for my 3 children.
I'd be inclined to talk to a grief councillor or similar and go from there. Even take your daughter to one if you are struggling to help her comprehend.
There's always help available, you just need to know where to start looking. All the best x