My hubby and i have a 4yo and twin 13mth olds. I went to the docs yesterday after i have been feeling run down and exhausted, to discover i am 6weeks along with bub #4. Should have taken more precautions, hindsight is a beautiful thing. Anyway - here we are...
He is 110% against keeping this baby. He never imagined his life with so many kids, he loves the 3 we already have, but is adamant that is enough for him. He is stressed to the max about how we will manage financially, our house isnt big enough, we will need a bigger car. He is also panicking about the strain this will have on my body (the twin pregnancy really knocked me about, and i am still recovering, on iron supplements, stretched stomach muscles etc), and is petrified something will go wrong and he will end up a widowed father of 4. I really feel for him! And i do see where he is coming from. BUT! The thought of termination just isn't sitting well with me. (I have had 1 termination before, but i felt no emotional attachment before). I'm at a loss what to do, or what to even say to him. I dont want him to resent me, or the baby. But what about me? What about what i want?
I'm not asking for 'i told you so's' re contraception, i understand how it works and what we should have done.
I just want to keep my marriage happy and strong, i don't want to feel sick with regret forever for terminating a baby we didnt plan but is now in the mix, i feel stuck!
Has anyone else been in this position? How do u keep hubby and yourself happy? Help!?
Baby #4, surprise!
Baby #4, surprise!
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Pregnancy
5 Replies
When I'm stuck in a tight spot I go through the what ifs.
Address his and your what ifs together. What are the solutions to the what ifs. What are the likelihood of the what ifs. Does he need to speak to your doctor to put his mind at rest.
Tough one. In my experience, dad can have as much input as you like and you can respect his opinion, but in the end it is your call. You are the one who has to carry, or terminate. It's your body and your mind and your heart. I terminated as a 17yo and had no mental anguish, I wasn't ready and wasn't a mum. The 2nd termination, after two beautiful children, was incredibly difficult psychologically for me. As a mum I felt I had sacrificed a child for no 'real' reason. I had my tubes tied afterwards as I (still) feel I had no right to ever have another chance at a child. Most of our anguish around coping with a large family is driven by our first world materialism. So what if the kids have to share a room, you have to have an older car so you can have a bigger one, they end up at public schools because you can't afford 4x private educations? Love is limitless. But... having said that you do need to seriously consider your health as hubby is right that 3 kids with a mummy is better than 4 kids with no mummy. Talk and talk and talk it through - you have at least 4 weeks before you have to make the final decision. Good luck to you both. Hugs.
And both get counseling before and after - whichever way you decide
We had this exact issue. Baby number 4 happened as a big surprise. Hubby was not happy and wanted me to get rid of it. He was worried about the expense and the fact that it would be my 4th C-section so more dangerous. I refused to get rid of the baby. He was in denial the whole time I was pregnant, wouldn't help me choose names, wouldn't help me make any decisions in regards to the baby. After she was born though it was different. He fell in love with her instantly. She's 3 now and we couldn't nor would want to imagine life without her.
Haha I could have almost written this post- miss surprise no. 4 turned 3 this year. Things are so much easier now. Sorry this is quick I'm meant to be putting my Kids to bed, but cant resist giving sisterly advice.
Similarities- when miss 4 was born, I had almost 2yo twin and almost 4yo child.
My advice- things were hard, this is what I did-
I asked for help from everyone- parents, older women (friends of my parents with low responsibilities of their own), volunteer associations.
Look into getting an au pair (we lived rural, you'll have more luck in suburban areas).
We made a kids account and put all extra money in there for babysitting and an irregular house cleaner.
Accept mess (I didn't do this, I once had enough clean laundry to cover a queen size bed, for months).
I had to get a larger car *cough* ok van, I drive a van. If you keep a smaller car, you may need to source child seats from second-hand sites here the seats are narrower.
I told people bub was planned. I was going to struggle and didn't want pity or smug remarks like 'why didn't you use protection? I was panicked at the prospect of child # 4 but only shared this with a few. You might feel differently.
Pump in as much great nutrition as possible
No one has ever Regretted keeping a baby, but aborting a baby can stay with you, especially if it's more your husband's decision than yours.
I also believe no soul is given a greater burden than they can bear. Your capacity as a mother will grow to accomodate this surprise. Husbands may take longer to grow**
Sorry for any mistakes or misreading, I'm rushing. All the best sis.