I have raised a bully! I don't know where I went wrong, I thought I brought me kids up to respect others and treat other people the way they would want to be treated! Ok long story short, 7pm last night I recieved a phone call from my 12 year old teacher informing me that me son has been suspended for a week because of an incident involving a special needs boy in his class. Apparently 3 yr 10 boys held this kid on the ground, humiliated him while another 4 yr 7 boys cheered on, my son included, then pack mentality set in and the other boys joined in! This poor boy was trying to defend himself against 7 other boys!!! And I know same kid gets bullied on the bus and I suspect again my son is involved and honestly I don't know what to do. I feel sick and sad that my son is such a horrible person, and I feel so terrible for the boy. My question is what do I do? I want to punish him in a way that will actually teach him something! He is grounded without a question, also no tv, phone or iPad and school camp is now off the table, but not sure if that's enough to really make him responsible for his behaviour. Any suggestions please.
TIA
How to stop the bully
Saturday, 19 March 2016 - 06:54
How to stop the bully
Posted in:
Life Lessons, Teenagers
10 Replies
Time to teach empathy. Time to ask him how he would feel to be treated that way. Talk to him about why he feels the need to treat people that way.
Also have a close look in your own house. You are probably a lovely family but sometimes one or more of the adults are bullies and talk about groups of people in a degrading way.
I'd honestly look up books/literature on bullying to read too.
Meet with the little boy's mother, ask her what he can do for her son. Maybe spending an afternoon once a week helping him with homework or his chores. Teach him o build a relationship with others that are different. If you see someone being supported in the community stop and ask the family/support worker if they would like to have afternoon tea or need any help around their home? Education about differences! Your son is 12 not 2.. He needs to learn hands on what his actions have cost the people he has bullied.
Please don't do that to the victim. Would you put an abuser in the same room with a victim and tell them to tutor them??? Hell, no!! That's just revictimising the child.
If he needs to learn some empathy there are plenty of ways to volunteer, help, without upsetting the victim further.
I did say to talk with the child's mother!. I was running along the lines of making a friendship, and 'depending' on both the children, an understanding of both learning and forgiveness. I have seen it with my children at school, and now they are best mates, look out for each other and now have the courage and understanding to step in and speak up for others.
My Son is Autistic and I'm crying from reading what you have written. I know my son is going to be bullied, I just know it. I know that one day someone is going to hurt my child and I am going to be livid. I am the mum that is going to want to kill your child and all the other kids involved. And you are the mum that is going to make your child apologise. Not only are you going to make him apologise to this child but also this child's mother who sent her child to school knowing he should be safe and he wasn't. Your child and those six other students will be on this mothers radar. I am the mother that would charge your child and the six other kids with assault and you will make your child plead guilty. Do you know why?? Because you know your child was wrong and you want to make it better. Make your child volunteer with other special needs children, not the child he hurt I would never let your son near my child if It was my child he hurt. I would want your son to know what it was like to be the victim, does he even acknowledge what he has done to this poor kid? Does he understand the ramifications of his actions? What it could mean for him in the future? Could he imagine if he ever had a child with special needs and this happening to them, what if it was his brother or his sister? Make him imagine if this was someone he cared about, someone he loved and cared for with all his heart and this happened to them? How he would feel. Because I feel for the poor boy, his mother and family and how they will be feeling failed by the world. The anger and the pain. If she removes her son from the school I would not be surprised. Do what you can to help your son understand what he has done wrong. Technology ban, friends ban, grounding and make him volunteer do something to build his empathy. I could not give you many ideas I live with Autism everyday of my life, this is my greatest fear for my children.
There are still some great kids to help your son once his older. My son has gotten several punishments through the school for "being involved" aka standing in between a child with differences and an older bully that was being verbally and physically abusive. My son is so awesome. He took a few hits, to save the other child But he still got introuble. That was the first time. A few more times, different kids. And a conversation around don't let anybody lay a hand on you (trained in martial arts) you wont be introuble with us for stopping a bully, but you will at school and we will be at the school in seconds to back you. So long story short, I hope your son finds kids like that!
Yesterday was national day of action against bullying. There are lots of resources online you can access.
The question is why is he doing it? Bullies often bully because they have been bullied themselves. The situation you have described is just awful. I can understand why you'd be upset. My blood would be boiling!!!
Did he say why he did it? Did he feel like a hero ganging up on that poor kid with all those other kids there too? If it were my son I'd be disgusted and he'd get a roasting from me!
The best thing you can do is put in place a logical consequence. First ask him how he thinks the kid felt at the time. Like REALLY felt. How scared he must have been. Why did they do it? Did he really deserve something so cruel to happen to him? How does he think the kid feels now? Is he going to feel safe coming to school? What about all the people involved? Explain what a coward is. I wonder if your biggest problem is peer pressure and he's just going along with what everyone else is doing. He makes his own choice! He's his own person! Does he recognize he's done the wrong thing? Is there regret? Genuine regret? Does he feel ashamed?
He needs to understand empathy and I don't know if punishing him by taking away his electronics etc is going to help with that. School camp etc. was that your choice or the schools? He will already know how disappointed you are so don't make the punishment too ridiculous because you're angry (rightly so).
There is no easy answer for this one but I can tell you from experience it's a serious matter. Kids are committing suicide because they're being bullied. The worst part is their families are often unaware there is even a problem.
Keep the communication open. Talk to him. He can fix this and needn't be judged on this.
I don't know if spending time with the victim is the answer but that poor kid has a right to feel safe and not be worried about going to school. Maybe he could write a letter to him apologizing. It's a step.
Thank you for acknowledging your child isn't perfect. All too often I see parents defending their kids, burying their head in the sand and ignoring their bad choices.
Best of luck xx
My guess is he needs to learn to stand up against peer pressure and risk standing out or going against the flow of a bunch of other boys. He might need some leadership techniques.
If that was my son he'd want to be that boys biggest defender from now on.
And instead of apologising I'd want him to tell him gang they were so wrong & hes an idiot for joining in something so mean. Not telling you, telling them.
I am careful not to turn this boy into a teaching tool/social experiment who gets used to teach a kid who makes it clear he doesn't want anything to do with him, is the forced sympathy friend, then dropped again when it's all over, that's not fair at all.
But, could you task your boy with finding out say 10 things this kid and your son have in common, and ten differences. Not in one day, give him next term. Things that require conversation, small talk, getting to know each other.
Maybe the teacher could help monitor the interactions and let you know the progress and make sure it's coming from sincere conversation.
Im not what you should do, but Im so glad you want to do something. My son use to get bullied and everytime I approached the mother she would brush me off and say boys will be boys... so just wanted to say thankyou for stepping up and making a change. It is absolutely heart breaking knowing your child is getting bullied.