Sometimes I feel like my child is destroying me.... She's an incredibly spirited child. She isnt ADHD, or ADD, or on the spectrum, we've looked into it. Ans she isn't a "bad" or "naughty" child. She is just SO independent and SO self assured and SO strong willed. And hard. She's hard. I dont want to label her hard but she IS. She needs me to be loving, kind and understanding. Her behaviour is 10x better when I respond with love and empathy and strong limits. But its HARD. Its f-ing HARD to respond with love and kindness all the time. Its soul destroying! I just dont have the patience or empathy I once did. Im riddled with guilt and anger. Last night I sat on the floor and cried as I held her door closed for the second night because, even though I knew she was exhausted, she would not go to sleep. It was emotionally draining. I cant let my husband take over because he just gets frustrated and angry and everything then just blows up. So I have to sit there, for an hour as she screams and kicks the door and tells me what a horrible mother I am. She finally goes and lays down and I then have to sit on the floor next to her bed for the next half an hour whilst she calms down. Ive tried every other method and this is what gets us the best result and the most learning so I do it. But its so draining. Im so upset after this I cant sleep but im so exhausted because she was up until 11 the night before with the same scenario. finally im asleep and come the early hours of the morning shes climbing into our bed and tossing around. I wake up just before 6 and try to sneak out of bed for just a few moments by myself to study but alas thats noy the case. My husband choose that exact moment to tell our daughter to move and to move her. Of course now shes awake. And its just 1 momeny after another, this morning resulting 1 broken glass and 1 broken mummy. Im so TIRED. im so drained. Today I screamed at her "what the hell is wrong with you" and I saw her littlw spirit break. There isnt anything wrong with her. Its ME who is failing her. Why does it have to be so HARD? I hate to say thia but I find myself thinking constantly "why didnt I just get an easier child?! Why couldnt I have one of those kids who is easy going and compliant?!" (And dont tell me they dont exist, I know enough friends with "easier" children.). Im sick of being tested every day. I want to be an understanding, kind, put together mumma but im not. Im frustrated, angry, I cry all the time, the house is constantly a bomb shell, I eat terribly. I just dont have any more energy. Tell me it gets better. Tell me she will learn. Tell me im not ruining her. Please dont tell me I need to toughen up or she needs a good smack. Please dont tell me im permissive. Please dont tell me shes a brat. She isn't. She's beautiful and amazing and I just cannot seem to contain her spirit.
4 Replies
Hell yes! I have one son with multiple challenges and boy there were days that I lost the plot!!!
It did he easier but it meant making compromises and doing some things that I probably wouldn't have done under normal circumstances!
The sleep!!!!! You don't say your daughters age, or I missed it. Have you talked to your daughters doctor about trying melatonin? It's the hormone that tells your brain to go to sleep? Apparently it works miracles for some kids. It wasn't available when my son was young so we resorted to phenergan (an over the counter antihistamine that causes drowsiness) we didn't use it every night, about once a fortnight or so to give my son and myself a good night without drama. I found the next day we were both much nicer people!!!
I also found I had to set my home up for success. So if my son was in a cutting everything up with scissors stage we'd lock all the scissors up in a cupboard (with an actual lock) and get them out once a day for 10 minutes for cutting under strict supervision.
Honestly it was hard and exhausting and as a sole parent there were days when I just wanted 10 minutes to be by myself. But over time with those strict boundaries he learnt to monitor his own behaviour and became less impulsive. Sleep became less off a battle and he actually turned into an easy kid. His spirit wasn't broken, he still laughs, in fact he laughs even more than before! He's still adventurous but he is now safe in his adventures.
And he hasn't roller bladed on the roof of a car for years :)
Sounds like a different approach to sleep may be in order to reduce the amount of stress. I like the sound of this book and I think it will appeal to your independent girl
http://snoozeforkids.com/product/the-boss-of-my-sleep-for-children/
I could have written this myself! I feel your exasperation and desperation, your tears and your guilt and everything else. My beautiful, happy, loving miss 2.5 is exactly the same.
We struggle over dinner, wearing clothes, brushing hair, getting in the car, getting out of the car, being in the pram, being out of the pram....you get the picture and I'm sure you understand. She is such a gentle little soul and then such a typhoon the next second. I too have yelled that phrase and it broke my heart the second it left my lips. Your only human and we weren't built to cop this kind of never ending punishment from some one we love so very very much.
It got so bad with the sleeping we actually bought the child safety door handle covers for the INSIDE of her door because she just would not stay in bed. We put them on when she went to bed and took them off when we tucked her in so she could get out in the morning. It took about 2 weeks and she asked us not to put it on and promised to stay in her room, still every now and then we put it on if she keeps getting up but its been a huge improvement. We coupled it with, "you don't have to sleep but you need to stay in your room with the lights off" (has a night light).
I have taken to putting her straight back in her bed if she comes to us or she just talks till i get up, whether its 4am or 7. I have the tv on a big power board that has a remote switch on the wall, i set it to the right channel and she can turn it on in the morning if she gets up before me and she knows what show is on at 7 when she can come and get me up. With a new born up all hours i was just broken and no good to anyone so this was my best option.
I try my very hardest to be understanding, engaged, kind and patient but by about lunch time i am so frazzled by her stubborn 'no' to every bloody question that i eventually flip and just revert back to cranky mum again.
I know this probably hasn't been much help to you but its just nice to know I'm not alone as I'm surrounded by super mums and often feel like I'm failing. This is what i work with... my mum was a super mum, loving and perfect until i was about 6 or so I'm told, i don't remember squat of that mum and we really don't get on now. Maybe if i can just pull through these crazy early parts without losing my mind I can make it up to her when she will actually remember that i love her and that we could work together when we can communicate better. (not written well i hope it makes sense)
Wow sorry for the novel, from one frazzled mumma to another huge hugs, just keep loving that beautiful girl and maybe one day this will all make sense x
I am going through the same thing with my 3yo daughter who is exactly how u described. She is an angel- she helps me clean, helps me cook, helps me look after her cheeky almost 2yo brother-but I am exhusted every night after being home with these two. Now I love my kids-they complete our little family and brighten everyone's day when they see how happy and smart they are....but not everyone sees the constant "mum mum mum mum mum mum mum..." Which yea it happens-but it's beyond irritating. My kids are clingy-I ALWAYS have one or two kids hanging off my legs-I have one laying/squirming on me while I'm writing this even! or jumping on my back if I bend over to pick something up. Now Im recovering from a really bad back injury and several times now their sudden jumps have triggered a whole lot of pain which I still have to fight through because who else can clean the house, watch the kids, clean the house, cook the dinners, clean the house....no, my place is not a pig sty-I have two toddlers, I just have to go down the hall after cleaning one room just to open a door to a whole new mess while in the background a box of Legos just been dumped on the floor.
I do have a partner who is a great dad-but he's the fun one.and They listen to him. I have to use him as a threat to get my way-and he will appear to get them to listen. I hate that. I wish they would listen to me. I'm not a bad mum, in fact I'm a fun mum who would sit around playing games and make play dough or bake cookies to kill time...but I have no authority. Bed times, bath times, dinner times and even getting dressed in a sensible outfit are usually backed up with "I'm gonna get dad...."
I feel like a bad mum but I try so hard every day to be the mum that they deserve.
I feel guilty wanting to get away-even for an hour and I usually end up cancelling my plans and just staying home-where the kids find me and start being themselves. Which irritates me more. It's not until they are asleep and I go to their rooms to check on them does my mood change, then I can see all the good things again and brace myself for the next day.
I love my kids, and I love my family-but I just wish I could stay positive throughout the whole day...