How do I live up to his expectations when he keeps raising the bar?
My husband is never satisfied. ..We have 3 kids - a 12yr son, 10 yr daughter and a 3 yr old son (the two older kids are his step children) My husband works full time during the day and Im home during the day with our toddler plus I also work all day with a labour intensive home business that brings in at least the same amount of money each week as he makes ...The problem may well be my incompetence but every day he comes home and if the house is not to his standards he calls me a lazy dirty pig, If the toddler is hyped up or being silly then Im a neglectful mother and I must not be parenting him right, If Im behind in my own work the he tells me Im not managing my time right, If the older two kids haven't finished their chores or forgot something then Im not giving them structure and routine, If the dog leaves a hair on the floor then I mustn't have vacuumed all weel,if he has a bill he cannot pay in full this week then its because of me....Im doing the best I can to juggle our toddler, the older childrens needs, the housework and my work, and yes, some days some things done get quite finished, some days come 6pm I order take out as Im exhausted....He doesnt even say hi when he comes home - he just launches into pointing out everything that isnt right....We are supposed to sign the lease for a new house this week, but Im seriously considering just neeting with the agent and signing up myself only....I know Im not the most picture perfect wife/mother/human...but it seems like in his eyes nothing is ever good enough...its been like this since the begining -All he sees is my mistakes and its taking a toll on me emotionally.
Am I really that bad?
Am I really that bad?
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Parenthood Guilt, Kids
14 Replies
Can you see that he's emotionally abusive? I hope you can. Calling you names, blaming you for everything and gaslighting you is abuse. Get out of there!
And yet if I ever defend myself he says Im abusive and a narcissist?...he tells me his life was better without me amd how he used to live like a king with nice things before I came along....Im starting to wonder if, maybe I am the problem :(
That's what abusers do. They make you believe it's your fault. They blame you for everything.
It's not your fault. He's a grown man. So what if you buy takeaway! So what if you missed a hair on the floor, that's all NORMAL.
Of course a house is easy to keep clean if there are no kids in it and no pets! It's also very lonely.
There is no such thing as an immaculate house + kids + fulltime job. Minus one of those things and there is no such thing as perfection.
Get out now, before he destroys you completely. Please.
Well then let him have his dream - tell him to go live by himself! You and the children will be so much more relaxed and content without his criticism. You earn the same as him and can support your children - you already do financially, emotionally and physically. He is just a burden you don't need! Sorry to be hard but, oh boy mumma, you are a super woman, doing all you do. He should be bowing on the ground to your achievements :)
I wouldn't have been living with him long enough to sign any lease!
He is enotionally abisuve. You are not incompetent you are a normal person! Nobody would be able to do all that you do and do it perfectly. Plus children are not robots, they are never going to be perfect.
Don't let this guy grind you down to nothing.
Move out on your own
Move out! If he loved you he's treat you with the care & respect you deserve
Yes he is verbally and emotionally abusive. I would be looking deeper into the relationship for more redflags.
Mine is like this its not only making you feel worthless and never good enough. It also is isolating you probably without you even noticing. ' feel bad doing things for you or going out'. He says what did you do today you should be home cleaning is the expectation.
Mine uses this to justify everything. He dragged me to the bathroom by my wrists and shut me on there because I didn't change the bin. He held the door shut and wouldnt let me out till I did do it. He pulls cords out of the garage amd tells at me telling me I am the housewife to get inside and do my job. Whilst me and the kid are locked in the car because he loses it.
Sorry but please stay safe he sounds like a narcissist of some sort. Or on the scale of personality disorders maybe... please do some research and seek counselling for you. You maybe called crazy like me for doing it but trust me you have to at least start talking to someone gor you. It will help.xx
Thanks everyone, I know all these things deep down but its hard when he plays the victim to everyone else and tells them his poor him story and has everyone patting him on the back for what HE puts up with. I dont go out and my friends are all interstate so no one knows what really goes on. Almost every day he sends me a sharp text message to tell me to watch the toddler and not let him get hurt, put sunscreen on him, be careful he doesnt climb on the bench etc...Like Im some incompetent fool...And yet last weekend he took our toddler to the park with his scooter and no helmet - toddler falls off, gets hurt and that "just part of being a kid"! WtF?Tonight I raced around before he got home to make sure everything was right..now I sit and wait for him to get angry about something...its not IF - its when - *sigh* My 3yr old called his older brother Daddy by accident last week and it resulted in my husband having a 3 day tantrum....Which after telling him it was just an innocent accident, somehow Im again a narcissist, a shit wife, useless mother, I ruined his life...Im fat (Im 5ft 10 & 63kg----HE is 5ft 10 and 106kg!!) Whenever I tell him we should end things if Im so awful THAT starts him off again...Im so exhausted by the end of the day its usually just easier to avoid him - I always sleep on the couch and the next day without doubt he will act like nothing happened and get annoyed if Im upset about the name calling and his behaviour - why? Because he wouldnt have gotten angry if xyz....Im not stupid, I know this is not right, but the cycle just goes round and round and its not that easy to just end things with people like him...
Its so hard I wrote the post before your most recent reply.
I have been offered a family room in a shelter. I want to so badly leave but I just can't. I am going crazy. I really am. I hate this feeling. I understand. There are a heap of secret groups on fb you can go on and vent to just go to read and look out for the rare posts on some pages. They share but not always..
There is domestic violence no more
And the war at home behind closed doors. Both of those have secret groups you can pm the pages to ask to go on them.
Xx
*hugs* wishing you all the best for your situation. Im lucky that my 45yr old man-child doesnt hit us...I really hope you find a solution and path to happiness xx
Mine never use to. Till the last year and ahalf we are about 8years together. A 6yo and 3yo. After everything we have been through. I rather him hurt me anyday than the psychological and verbal and emotional side of things. Its so confusing. I am a shell. The thing is to everyone he is this amazing dad for show. Home is completely different. Noone would believe me. I am the psycho on antidepressants now and I am crazy and its my mum who has the bad history with picking bad men who abuse her too. It makes it hard. Xx I hope you too find a solution.xx its not easy at all.
If you cant leave for yourself leave for the kids the damage it does to them later in life is horrible. My dad used to call me lazy n fat tell me i was never achieveing enough at school.... i ended up in an abusive relationship at 21. I left not for me but the moment my daughter witnessed him knock me unconscious in her room i knew i had to get out before it became her normal
I still walk on eggshells and never an enough in my head now at 28 and married to a beautiful man... the damage was done in my teens
Lovely, please don't stay there. You are doing beyond well. He is behaving like an arrogant self entitled pig and you and your children deserve so much better. You are more than good enough and far too god for the likes of him. He is abusive and that is why you feel like its all your fault, it's not. He has made you think that way. Please for yourself and your children, leave. BIG HUGS xxx
He is emotionally abusing and controlling you. What a pig!