I am a crossroads as to what to do with my mother.. Long story short, my sister and her boyfriend trashed my nan's house before she died then did a runner, leaving my mum, my husband and i and rest of the family to clean up their mess. They left thousands of dollars of bills which my mum had to pay (some of which i paid).
Fast forward 4 years; i refuse to have anything to do with my sister. She has since had two children (which i saw one born and went down to the hospital the next day to see the other) and is currently living at a friend's place because they were recently kicked out of their rental for not paying the rent. Mum has forgiven her on the proviso that 'she is doing it for her grandchildren'. My mother only spends time with my children when she organises play dates with my sister and her kids. I refuse to go.
I get that my neice and nephew have done nothing to me and they are completely innocent in all of this, but i cant stand the sight of my sister - especially as she has never taken responsibility for what she did or has attempted to repay my mum the thousands of dollars debt she left mum in.
Now, here's my problem. My mum is giving me that much grief about not seeing my sister and her kids, i'm about ready to tell her i want nothing to do with her either. I have suggested that my sister is more than welcome to drop her kids at my house after school to spend time here with my children and i, but that doesnt suit. My mum has said 'not to push her' and 'i have to start and have something to do with their family or she will wipe me'. Keeping in mind my sister doesnt ask to see my kids, its all organised thru my mum and all visits are usually out for lunch somewhere where my mum pays for it all.
To add to this, my hubby and i have been discussing having a child and she has said she doesnt agree with it because she doesnt think its right and my husband and i are not stable enough in our relationship to have another child. (We have been married 4 years, together 5, purchased a house, both work. My children are from a previous relationship and we want to complete our family). This is coming from a woman whose other daughter is homeless with two children and 5 step children.
What has hurt me the most recently is that on my birthday my mum rang and said she wasnt feeling well so she wont be in to see me. My hubby took myself and kids out for lunch and on the way home, her car was parked at the place where my sister is staying.
What do i do?
I'm about ready to explode. I'm an adult and can make my own choices. I'm not jealous of my sister, i just want nothing to do with her for what she did to my mum and my nan. I have tried to explain my position, but she doesn't get it.
5 Replies
I have about the same position, I'm blamed for everything and causing the issues when I didn't do any of it. Your mums got a cheek to say those things to you, its purely to please her self.
I tried to negotiate and see them on my terms, away from the other sister, but they were still nasty and never had my best interests, so now I don't bother.
It's nicer than being treated like a problem.
Im polite and send birthday greetings but that's about all I can manage.
They sound toxic. Honestly if they aren't contributing abything to your life why be involved with them?
It sounds like you and hubby are doing just fine on your own.
I'd start gradually distancing myself from your mum. Your mum sounds like she is an enabler to your sister and any challenge to that makes you the bad guy.
I've started distancing myself from my sister. No big dramatic I'm never seeing you again, I just have stopped making any effort at all. So I'm seeing her less and less. Honestly it feels so good not to live with all that tension etc.
Sometimes unstable behaviour like that your sister exhibits is like an addiction, and in this case your mum is being an enabler. I would confront her about seeing her car out on your birthday, write her a letter if you need to. Let her know what you're requirements are for her to have involvement with you, if she doesn't agree to meet you half way, I'd giveyourself a break from them both. It's toxic.
I don't think anything good will come out of agreeing to re-kindle the relationship with your sister. Set your Mum straight. Your Mum needs to be there for you to not just your sister. Maybe you can explain that to her.
I think what your doing now is fine. Letting your kids go on playmates and offering to have her kids through your Mum. Your Mum might feel really stuck in the middle but if she stops trying to get you guys back together it won't be a problem. Your Mum probably does struggle having children who don't speak but honestly it sounds like a toxic relationship and id be staying away from it all.
From personal experience I would just distance yourself from them they sound they are all toxic people. You have to think about whats right for you and your family. And sometimes your better off cutting ties being related does not mean you are a family.