Hi ladies. I was the women who wrote in some time ago about struggling to find closeness with my partner's daughter. Unfortunately in less than a week I've learnt that my partner has struggled with sex addiction for DECADES and that he's been cheating on me for about a year and a half (that I know of).
Basically I'm doing OK for now but I know it'll come crashing down soon when I realise I've lost the life I thought I had. I"m confident I'll find someone better and I'm not totally enraged at him as he's done this many times before and battled his own head for YEARS - something I know all too well about... we were going to try and work through this and get him help until I found out three weeks ago he booked a hotel room with a girl he was talking to on Ashley Madison and I found email addresses, fake facebook accounts, online dating profiles... everything. And to know he's slept with someone else (one that I know of) absolutely ruins me.
I only want to hear from those who've been through this and come out the other end and are doing okay. I don't want to hear the negative shit I do not need that right now - I'm betrayed and I'm shaken to the core... I just want to know there's definitely a future for me (Which I know there is, and it's fucking bright!!) and that he's going to be okay... you'd think I'm crazy for giving a shit but I do.
Any tips on how to cope with this and split the finances etc fire away...
Fiance w/ Sex Addiction
Fiance w/ Sex Addiction
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Mental Health
4 Replies
I was with a guy who couldn't keep it in his pants. I believe it stemmed from being sexually abused.
I've had an excellent life.
The thing I learnt though is having a relationship shouldn't define me as successful or not. I'm successful and have a good life wether or not I happen(ed) to meet the right guy for me. Being happy isn't dependent on being in a relationship. In fact once I really understood that the quality of men I started attracting went way, way up and I became much better at spotting and not ignoring the red flags.
The one thing I'd wished I'd done sooner, was get some counselling. I needed help to process it all. I didn't want my friends and family to know all the details because wrongly I was embarrassed. I felt like I'd failed (there was no failure). So I'd go get some counselling. Someone who isn't involved to talk to can make a big difference.
As to the finances, don't get bogged down in battles over belongings that are meaningless. That doesn't mean get ripped off but don't fight over stuff that has no real meaning or benefit just because. Also you need to look at your equity. You only get equity. So if your house is worth $500,000 but only have paid off $1000, you aren't going to get paid out $250,000. I've seen people lawyer up and go crazy because they thought they were being ripped off, they weren't.
If you will be on parenting payment it's very doable if you are smart. You don't need a huge place. My fondest memory is when my son and myself lived in a lovely one bedroom unit. He had the bedroom and I had this lovely ikea ektorp sofa bed. It was really comfy and felt luxurious unpacking my bed at night. We loved it.
Download the kindle app and buy a book called 'Your sexually addicted spouse, how partners can cope and heal' by Barbara Steffens. It has helped me a lot.
Another good one is Out of the shadows by Patrick Carnes. He could do with a copy of this one too, he also needs to get professional help from a therapist experience in dealing with Sexual Addiction.
Stay strong and good luck.
Thank you. He's getting help he's now on medications and is going to see a psychologist but my anxiety is through the roof...
I want to k ow everything but I also don't. Until he gets help I know it's all going to keep happening and as I'm livin at my mums now I just can't help but worry about what he's doing even when I know better.!!! And now because the medication is zoning him and levelling him out I have anxiety that he doesn't want to work things out anymore (when he's just tired) but my emotions are everywhere at the moment.... All I want is him to get better and we can start again... I've ordered a book online to help me.
It's honestly the hardest thing I've had to do. He doesn't want me to come home until he knows he is better and doesn't have the online profiles and messages so he doesn't hurt me again, but my head is telling me it's because he just wants to keep doing it and doesn't actually want us to work out.
I'm shattered :(
I found it easier to not care what he's doing once I knew he'd cheated. I sent him to her and maybe it would've hurt if I knew for sure but I didn't want to know, he'd been there anyway, the only difference is this time I'm not a.fool sitting at home getting heartbroken, I get to put it all behind me and find a real man.
That feeling of distrust, not knowing what he's doing at night and just hoping beyond hope he's not doing anything wrong; that's a relationship and a feeling you need to let go of.