My husband is so hard on 2 of my boys when it comes to sport it breaks my heart to hear how he goes off at them when they dont perform to his extremely high expectations. My 15 yo son barely talks to him now and my husband and 13 yo son are constantly having screaming matches. We have had many arguments lately about this but he doesnt care.
Apart from sport he is a really good and loving dad but this one issue is making my kids hate him. I dont know if im having a rant or if im asking if this is something you would leave your husband over. Please no hate comments just helpful ones
Tia
How to get my husband to lay off the kids
How to get my husband to lay off the kids
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Parenthood Guilt, Behaviour, Teenagers, Tips and Advice
7 Replies
Could you take them to sport instead? There's a Dad who occasionally takes his two sons to swimming, instead of the Mum and he is like a corporal sergeant.. he overpowers the swim teachers. makes them do extra laps etc and guess what? They swim WORSE when he's there. They cry and you can tell they're scared of him. I'd just crack the shits at him. Tell him what he's doing to your boys and how he's making them feel and not let him take them to sport or talk about sport to them anymore unless he sees what he's doing as harmful. BUT, I crack the shits at my hubby and put my foot down all the time in our relationship and it generally does work. Not sure about yours....
I usually take the 15yo but when when we get home if they results arent in my sons favour then my husband just goes off and continues for the rest of the day if not longer. There is no point not giving the details as they are in the newspaper the next day and he will see them any way. We constantly argue over this its getting exhausting
Could you talk to your husband and say that you've now told your sons to walk away from him every time he gets on their case about sporting achievements? Just don't argue. Firmly say that he's being an arsehole. your boys are affected. They'll end up hating him or resenting him. All for a game? Then tell your sons that your Dad's behaviour isn't ok in this instance and they need to walk away from him when he's going off? Would that work? Don't yell back. Don't argue about it. Just tell your boys the plan. Tell your hubby what's going to happen and put it in place. Would he get even worse?? I usually team with my hubby for discipline.. but in the past with things I don't agree with, as he's a real ball breaker, I tell my kids he's being an idiot.. I tell my husband he's being an idiot and I just override him.
Does he understand the boys now hate him? This alone should be a wake up call to any parent. If he knows and doesn't care? Tough call but the longer you allow it the more it will erode their self-esteem. In your place I'd tell him no more. Warn him that the very next time he does it he moves out of the family home, he doesn't take the boys to sport and even during visitation the first time he so much as utters a disparaging word he loses even visitation until he can get his behaviour under control. I know it seems harsh but he's an adult, your boys are just boys and they need someone not just in their corner but willing to act in their best interests. That self-loathing, disappointment and lack of self esteem never really goes away once it's instilled so he needs to be stopped. I'm sorry, I know you probably wanted an easier fix but unless he sees he's doing the wrong thing and that there will be consequences he doesn't like, he won't stop.
Get a coach or a sports person to talk to him! Especially if it's someone Dad respects. I'd be prepared to pay for the person to talk to him.
Being good and driven at sport has to come from within.
Will he read a biography of a sports star who had parents who pushed too hard??
Have you asked him why he gets so angry about it?
My ex was very hard on the kids about sport and he was their coach (before and after the split)... My biggest left the sport at 14 and went and played elsewhere. Dad was only interested in the original sport and just left the kid alone after that. The 2nd boy reacted in the opposite - went hard like dad and has a pretty bad attitude to loosing. Dad still has a big influence over son 2. They are young adults now and Dads behaviour has effected their overall personalities, but they have still come out in the wash as lovely young men. I have always taken the approach that I provide balanced support and try and show them another alternative through my behaviour. Not just in sport :) I'm a product of my parenting; so my kids will be a product of their parenting.
You can ban dad from training and games, and get the other coaches/managers to talk to him, but none of them live in your home and are there when your sons need defending. I like the other posters idea of leaving the room as soon as any sports talk starts. Completely cut it off. It may be you and the boys have to leave the house and even go for a drive, because to start with he will yell through the wall into the other room, etc. Trying to get him to leave the room means you have to engage, so better for you to all leave. Like a toddler, it's going to take some discipline and consistency.
Would he get some counseling for his anger issues? (My ex never would, it was one of the reasons I left) Good luck.
My dad was the same when I was a kid I did state level basketball and athletics and high level cycling.
Dad was my bball coach and athletics coach from about 8-16. I hated it and often hated him when he was coaching. I was never allowed to miss training or events even when sick or take a year off to have a break. Now I'm older and still doing states in different sports I always want his help and wish he was my coach but at that young age it was to much.
Their dad needs to back off and not take it to heart that they've failed. It's sport it's not life or death even if it is Olympic level let them learn from their bad days and if they want to do it for fun and not for competition he has to realise this.