Hi ladies
Question, because I'm about to blow my lid.
My partner has a little girl and so obviously he pays child support. He's been out of work the past six months with contract work in dribs and drabs.
He and the ex arranged a mutual agreement of around $300 a month.
Because he's on contract work, he can't guarantee a weekly amount and because of this his bills are behind too so every week we use what he has to pay what we can so we're not black listed, and he'll then give whatever he can to ex.
She's recently had the hide to suggest that because I'm working that I should be giving money to cover the child support.
Mind you because he's out of work I am currently paying around $1000 a fortnight in mutual expenses on my own. Leaving me with about $200 a fortnight to myself.
Not only this, a mutual friend has decided to inform her we were pondering a weekend away (at MY expense) which flared her to blow up about the monies owing for child support and that is where she suggested I should be forking out my money because her partner does when needed. A year or so ago he copped it after we bought a new car (with my name on the loan to secure it and I was paying for half of it so it didn't fall behind... This is after they bought a new car about a month before we did?....)
My question is - does anyone actually agree with her? Because there is NO WAY I would ever give up my funds to her. We get little miss two nights every fortnight and I pay for her food and I've paid for almost everything she does and has here when she's here... Birthdays, parties etc. where her dad can't.
And am I wrong to feel this way?
As soon as he gets his tax done it'll probably turn out that she owes him money as I feel he's drastically been over paying her. The difference is he wouldn't ask her for any of it back. He paid a lot less than $300 a month when he was working full time!
I'm just so frustrated to the point where I'm tempted to message her and kindly explain that I've got my hands full keeping a roof over our head and I'm extremely offended that she would bring my income into the matter when it has zero to do with me... And why does she feel like she has any day in our life? I feel like we can never travel incase someone runs back and tells her. So frustrated!!! Help :( just wanting to see some similar experiences and how you dealt with it too I guess... And a vent.
Thanks ladies xxx
Baby Mama Dramas/Child Support
Baby Mama Dramas/Child Support
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Kids, Money
18 Replies
I think I agree with her. She bought a car with her money, he owes her money but he bought a car. That's different. He owes money to support his child but he's going away on a holiday, yeah I wouldn't be happy either.
No I don't think you should pay, but it shows a weakness in his character that 1. He'll live off you 2. He's not supporting his kids. 3. if you're giving him money he'll take it but for holidays not for his kids.
I'm not having a go, I can understand from your point of view and agree you don't have to pay for his child, but he should.
We're not going on a holiday that's the point and even if we did I would be the one paying for it.... So I'm shutting things down and only paying for the essentials. He's looking for full time work so when he gets it it'll be ok... But because it's so far behind, the money he gets goes to his bills and then he gives her what he can. We've got so many payment plans it's not funny. So I told him that id rather see him give her what he can then have to borrow fuel money from me, than me having to give her $300 or whatever a month for their child, as much as I love her...
So I can understand her frustrations but it's not fair to try and put that on me when I'm the 'bacon earner' in our household already.
I'm just so sick of money!!!!
If you're sharing your life with him you need to realise he has a child he has to support, it comes first. So you need to accept that his child will cost money every month. It's not giving money to his ex, it's him being a parent and paying for his child. It's not your money anymore once you're sharing a household and bills him, it's household money and his household has a child to support.
He needs to formalise his arrangement through CS. It will make things much much easier.
I do agree with you but I'm also fed up with parents who recouple and then think the arrangement should change. The first child doesn't start to cost less when you decide to have a child with a new woman. If you can't afford the first one don't have the second one.
I know that sounds really harsh but it gets my goat when I hear the new partner complaining that he pays child support or how much it is. The arrangement is in place before you came on the scene. And you have to accept the baggage of those agreements.
I understand the frustrations too and no way in the world would he use our relationship as an excuse... But some weeks he earns nothing so how is he meant to pay her with nothing?
Yeah I'm gonna give him a kick up the ass and tell him to get child support to sort it out because a private agreement isn't working...
I empathise with your situation. But think of the chil. The child needs to eat. . .
He had a responsibility towards ensuring the child has that basic right. If the child was in his care and he earned nothing, what would he do to support that child??
You are a couple and you took on the responsibility as a family unit to look after one another - so yes, you should help with this as well.
Now, if he is not working, CSA will assess him at something stupid like $7 per week (FYI, you cannot raise a kid on $7 a week), but have him be assessed and have the matter dealt with by CSA. That way it reduces all/any conflict.
I agree with you here. You have a child, just because you are not with the other parent and move on doesn't mean you escape your responsibilities for that child. A new partner should accept and fit in with that.
Personally, if it were me, I'd pay. I'd do it for the child, if I really did love her. I would contact mum, let her know the circumstances pay a child care bill or electricity or something if I'm not comfortable handing her cash.
My ex pays as little child support as he possibly can, or doesn't pay anything at all. My husband pays for my child. He NEVER complains and wouldn't want my child to have nothing because my ex and I (I work part time) can't financially provide. My husband and I have a child together. Both my kids do and have exactly the same things.
I'm a mum , my ex is currently not working and I don't receive a cent of child support at this time, he's on centrelink and can barely afford to look after himself and pay his bills. I don't expect anything but I do expect him to have his kids weekly to give me a break. 2 of our children have Autism and I definitely need some me time every week to recuperate and be the best mom I can be for the rest of the week. I did not expect my ex's new partner to pay his child support bill when he didn't earn a cent, I didn't expect anything from her, they aren't her kids, they aren't her responsibility!! They were never going to be her responsibility. I don't want her money and women who expect their ex's new partners to pay their debts are completely crazy. They provide for your children while they are there but they don't provide for your children when they are in your care.
However I do think he should have approached child support earlier and told them his situation so they could adjust his payments and let her know how much she should be expecting weekly/fortnightly/monthly. Even private arrangements have to go through The child support agency so they can let centrelink know how much you'll be getting if your on payments. And so they know in general how much your paying so at tax time they can take your tax check if needed. Yeah it's harsh but it's the reality of it all.
Good luck IM and don't feel guilted into paying for something you shouldn't have to. The car thing is something else. If he's paying for a new car he should have kept his old one and payed child support until he had a stable job and could afford to buy himself a new car and continue with his child support payments.
He should go through child support but b careful others have done this and then owed more a month. But child support would know with percentage so that's why it meant to be fair.
Just think if shoe was on other foot and it was you with his child seeing him going on holidays and buying cars, if she lived with you you would be both paying a lot more then 300 a month.
But it depends if the kid doesn't see any of it and gets nothing I would be pissed or instead offering to send her home with some clothes and stuff instead maybe you can bargain hunt better then her mother.
I am a step mum also and my husbands child support doesn't go to them and we are also left very short due to how much it is but I would be happy to pay for school excursions or anything so they don't miss out as even though they not mine I love them and still feel as one of their parents I should support them if they need
I've had a friend in a situation of three little girls who weren't hers and her constantly paying for the kids because she felt she had to as she and I say NO! They broke up after ages of dating and she no longer has any contact with the kids or ex... so what does she have to show for it? Out of pocket money and no home.
It's not fair on you and you shouldn't be brought into the argument. My partner and I have been together for years but we still have my money, his money and bill money (ours).
The fact that when she is there, you pay for her is enough considering she's only there for such little time. Don't fork out money for a child who isn't yours. Yep. I said it. Just because you're a step parent doesn't mean you need to fully support his child. You're on no contract, birth certificate etc. and just because you don't financially support a child doesn't make you a bad person. The mother has no business in your financial situation, especially if its second hand information.
I totally understand that she's pissed because she isn't getting money that she needs to support the child but that's not on you, that's on your partner. Their agreements are on THEM! You weren't there saying, ok, this is the agreement WE have, it's theirs!
I don't think messaging her will help the situation. Just try and keep calm and remember that you DO have a right to feel this way. It's not up to you to step up, it's up to him. Hopefully he finds a job soon and you guys get everything back in shape.
As for people attacking you about getting a car, I'm sorry but how are you meant to look, apply and get to a job if you don't have a car?
I cannot emphasize this enough - go through the CSA. He can ask for a re-assessment based on his tax returns (and hers) and they will advise that he can pay weekly, fortnightly or monthly. People are always so quick to judge step-mums and remind them that they are not the biological parent and that they should leave the parenting to the father and that they will never take over the role of the mother ... but when money is the topic of conversation? For your sake and for the sake of your relationship - keep your finances separate. You don't owe anyone any explanation for what you do or do not do with your money. The child is obviously not going without when she's with you. Also, you will discover who your real friends are.
When a parent applies for child support the parents partner (who is unrelated to the child) income is NOT taken into account.
So no, this debt is not yours and I wouldn't be paying it either. She wants to get nasty about it? Stop this 'agreed payment' crap and go through child support properly. She won't get any different than she is now.
We pay over $500 a month in cs my partner earns an average wage and i earn alot less they never take into account your wage as its yours we have been together 6 years and have 2 kids together but still we have to pay alot as they dont take our rent or kids into the equasion hence why i had to go back to work! I have paid the cs a few times as its not worth the drama related to the money! Good luck
I don't see why csa wouldn't take your children into account unless they are not his biological children...!? As for rent they would take that into account if your partner is on the lease, as it is a living expense.Your partner can apply for a change of assessment and include all living expenses and any other biological children. Hell my ex even put down his wife's children to her ex husband as dependants despite their father paying $120 a week in cs and half of all expenses over and above that- everything from medical to school after school activities etc etc. then claimed his wife's dependant on him also and cannot work due to their special needs children (one his, one hers) and had his child support reduced $280 a month.... From $420
Can I start by saying if the shoe was on the other foot and you were the one with the child and the ex paying (or not paying) cs would you honestly believe that his contribution of $300 per month was drastically overpaying then when it came to YOUR CHILD? No I don't think you should have to pay the cs to your partners ex! you have made a commitment to a man that has a child to care for- she is his responsibility too!! I have my child more than the father- his contribution for the month is $280, a reduction from $420 he was assessed to pay after doing his tax return and then applying for a coa...... He has 3 children in his house 2 of which have special needs. 2 have cs of just under $500 paid to her monthly and half of expenses above and beyond cs. Then she has the hide to claim that the father of my child shouldn't even have to pay what he IS PAYING because they have special needs children and she can't return to work because of them. BUT she can take on a respite care role for another family with special needs children AND HE can spend $1000 (yes $1000.00) on fishing gear at one time at one shop!!! And he gets away with it!
Ofcoure youre not wrong in feeling this way. YOU didnt decide to have unprotected sex, she did. You sound like a lovely step mum, but you shouldnt have to financially support a child that already has two parents. It is not your responsibility. I would let child support deal with everything, there is no way known they would ever bring your income into it. Maybe she should get a job if shes so worried about finances. What you and your partner do or buy has nothing to do with her.
Get him to call the child support agency and explain his situation. They can then handle it rather than being on a private agreement and it will be based on the money he gets when working. Doing it private most of the time just causes too many issues, if CSA sort is all out, then no one can fight over it.
if he isn't getting enough work in his profession, maybe he need to look at other avenues of income to get him through.