Hope this isn't too long, but I'd like some advice...
I have a nephew (my only biological 1 & only biological cousin to my kids) I have not seen him since he was 6 months old, he is now 21... His mother & my brother were casual bed partners when he was conceived, they originally agreed to co-parent but when he was 6 months old & my brother told her that they would not be together just for the sake of the child (but wanted to be in his life, as did we all) she told him to never return to see his son (he stupidly didn't fight her, I do not condone his lack of action) she also told my mother to never come & see her grandchild again... The mother ended up back with her old boyfriend, who seems like a wonderful man & has been a great father to my nephew)
As far as we've always been told, he's been raised to believe that man is his biological father, and has no clue of our existence.. We on the other hand have watch from the sidelines hoping & praying he'd find out & at least come & ask some questions & we'd get a chance to know him .. We all agreed to leave him be while he was a kid.. But he's an adult now.. I often go & check his FB page & am so proud to see how well he's doing & of how much of a handsome young man he's grown into... My question is.. Would you contact him? And if so, how?
Should I contact my long lost nephew?
Should I contact my long lost nephew?
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Parenthood Guilt, Kids
14 Replies
No, I wouldn't contact him. You will most likely destroy his world if he hasn't found out his biology.
If you'd really like a rekationship contact his mother. Send a lovely message saying you think of your nephew often and would love to know how he is doing.
If she doesn't reply leave it. But don't be the person that breaks your nephews world apart. Even if the mum and all have done the wrong thing.
Thanks for your reply, the reasons you've stated are exactly why we stayed away while he was little. Unfortunately, there's no hope with his mother, she actually banned her friends from ever mentioning us (always in private of course, no one ever spoke in front of my nephew) ?
Its sad and he will find out eventually, but unless it comes from his biological dad or his mum.....
No I don't think you get to do that, only his dad. I would imagine he'll be very interested in his dad and their relationship and if that falls apart or his dad doesn't step up it will be very hurtful and I don't mean any offence but I don't see that he'll want to continue a relationship with you anyway. That's so harsh to write, what I mean is your relationship is dependent on his relationship with his dad, learning this and going through it is going to be a hugely emotional life changing journey for him.
I understand what you're saying, unfortunately when it comes to his son my brother buries his head in the sand & just hopes that one day he'll find out & come looking for answers... He doesn't want to be the one to tear the boys world apart... And either do I.. But I'm thinking he would know by now.. He's had to get birth Certs etc for licences etc, but still I know deep down I should prob keep my mouth shut but it kills me! As I'm positive it does my brother, but he says he's had a good dad, I don't want to ruin that now ?
My nephew actually grew up friends with our neighbours son & my mum & I were like crazy stalkers watching him play in the yard
I can't even imagine it must hurt you. In one way youre very lucky to know him and have been able to watch him grow up.
I think your brother is the key here, and possibly his attitude is a reason this situation is what it is.
I wholeheartedly agree with your comment regarding my brother... It's not that he doesn't love his son, he has pictures around his home of him (that friends have given us over the years, secretly of course) but I think he's scared of what his sons reaction would be. But I think a bad reaction that you can hopefully work on is better than nothing
I totally agree. Keep working on him. Good luck I really feel for your situation.
Thankyou ?
Hmmmm. Gee this is so tricky.
My cousin found her bio mother a couple of years ago (my Aunty) and as a result her family unit increased greatly! She struggled to cope though and distanced herself from her bio mum. She had so many questions - mostly - why did you let me go? It especially hurt because my aunt had more children and raised them. So why was she so different? Wasn't she worth it? Etc etc. A year after finding her bio mum, my Aunty passed away. All those questions she had will never be answered. Would she have found peace if they had been? We will never know, but we are greatful to have her in our lives and we love her. There are definitely benefits to telling your nephew. There are also disadvantages.
What about the man who has raised him as his father? He could be very hurt by this especially if it comes from someone apart from his bio dad or mother. He doesn't deserve that. Does your brother have kids that he's been involved with? If so, do they know they have a brother? I'm assuming they would if he has pictures of his son in his house.
I think this has to come from your brother or his mother. If he's told by anyone else it could crush him! As time goes on it is harder and harder to make that first step. Your brother is obviously not wanting to make it.
Thankyou for your reply.. I have decided to keep my mouth shut & continue to watch my nephew from afar... ?
In regards to the points you made, my brother has had no other children, and as I said before he's just stuck his head in the sand when it comes to his son, I honestly think he believes he'll just turn up one day & he can then explain what happened, he's also said that his non bio father has raised him well & why crush that.. My thinking on that is... He should of fought harder & there's no need to try to replace his dad but instead give our nephew even more people to love him. I may try to make contact with his mother, I don't think it will do any good, but if I could at least find out if he knows about us then maybe I could get my brother to get his head out of the sand & make the first step towards getting to know him, who knows!
As for your family situation.. How devastating for your cousin!
It's probably for the best. I can understand how painful it is and it must make you feel like you don't care.
You're right. Contact with his mum probably won't do any good but it's worthwhile trying.
You're also correct about him needing a birth certificate etc by now and it is interesting to think he doesn't have questions about it at his age.
As for my cousin she was devastated but she is also grateful she has us in her life. We tell her stories about her mum. I think she finds comfort in that.
No no no! I have a perspective from the other side of a similar situation. I am direct family of the non-bio dad to a girl who has grown up believing he is bio dad. It would completely destroy her entire world to find out otherwise. This is not your place to make that call. I don't mean to sound harsh, because I can hear and understand the love you have for your nephew, but honestly, this situation is not about you. He is not your child and whilst he is an adult, you have no right to make such huge decisions about his life. Love him from a distance and stay away.
Thanks for your reply, I replied to another of my previous comments saying I have decided to not contact my nephew... It is heartbreaking as I would love just for him to know that he has even more family to love him, but as I'm not sure if his mother has told him yet that his dad is not his bio-dad then I'll leave him be.