I'm having an internal battle currently as to what I should do.
Back story, my ex husband and I have been separated now for 3 years. We have three beautiful children together and until January last year they resided with me full time and he had them every second weekend.
Due to financial reasons I was paying our mortgage with no assistance and no child support and I was failing and falling behind. 'We' had to sell the family home of which the profit was nothing significant. At this time I managed to get a job to help me get back on top of my finances but it was 5hrs away so he agreed to have the children in his care for 12 months till I was back on my feet, it was a less than ideal situation but at that time I really had little option with no other family in that town
During this year some stuff has gone on at their fathers home that I don't like or approve of including a lot of mind games with all three of them, hitting our youngest with a belt if he misbehaves, allowing violent video games to be played, him not being available to our children and them having to be looked after by up to four different people in a week, all the kids having nightmares because of the movies that they are watching, behavioral issues with the youngest.
During this time he will only allow the children to see me every 2nd weekend and talk to them a couple of times a week.
Fast forward a year I am back on track and have a home set up for my children to come and live with me again and a support system although not in the same town it isn't far. My work allows for me to be available to them before and after school and to resettle them yet he has decided he wont allow them to come now. He wont discuss it with me or be rational. He constantly asks the kids what they want to do when it should be a discussion between the two of us as to what is best for them.
I'm at the point where I am considering just taking them, there are no parenting plans in place other than old ones that say they reside with me. Its not the way I would like to go about it but I can see my kids suffering from not having the stability that they did when living with me and it is so painful. Or do I just allow him to control this situation on going and 'hope for the best' that our children are old enough to make their own choice they come back to me.
I have never wanted to go to court as I truly don't believe people that don't know our children should play any part in determining where they are best off and had hoped after 3 years things between us would be to a point where our children's best interests came first.
I really dont need judging as I am having a reasonably large internal battle with myself at the moment. I'd just like to know if anyone else has been through something similar or some productive comments as to what to do, because I really am lost with this.
5 Replies
Get legal advice on wether you can take the kids, based on your old parenting plans.
If you can't keep the kids based on old plans, do you have abything in writing saying the kids were to be returned after the 12 months??? Ask the lawyer if that would support your case.
Have you spoken to child protection in your state about the situation. Hitting a child with a belt is child abuse!!
Take him to mediation.
No it's not in the best interests of the children to stay with there dad permanently. So you need to fight for them.
I'm probably going to be chastised for saying this but I think you should just take them back. He has absolutely no right to keep them from you or tell you what you can and can't do. I know you've said you would not want to go to court but other than taking them I don't see what option you have, he's obviously not going to back down. Seems to me that the only reason he is keeping then from you is to prove a point and exert control, doesn't sound as though he is very present in their lives and he is damaging them by dragging them in to adult issues and asking them where they want to go. I had that happen to me as a child and it was horrible! I wish you the best of luck! Xx
I started crying reading this, thank you.
My main concern in doing that is being dishonest with my children and them resenting me. My kids trust me completely to tell them the truth, hence I'm so torn about what to do. I'm so scared to hurt them more when they have already had to go through so much.
Take them and keep them and you'll definitely end up in court.
Get legal advice about what's best, it would be awful if you found yourself in court having done what appears to be the wrong thing. Legal advice and take the steps you need to. I guess first thing is mediation, ask for full time as per your original agreement.
Speak to a lawyer and get professional advice.
If the children have resided with him for the last year, he can always go to court and get them back.
Courts do not look fondly on a parent that took and 'kept' the child and they usually end up with limited access.
Even if you do take the children back, he can do the exact same thing unless their are court orders in place anyways.
Your best option probably is to go to court and get official agreements put in place.
It might actually be best for people who aren't personally involved to speak to everyone and make a rational decision on what is best for the children. That way, there's no emotions influencing any decisions being made.
How old are the children? They should also get a say in such a drastic change in their lives.
I think you should go to court and ask for a family report to be made. This means that someone will speak to everyone involved, and watch you interact with the children. This someone then writes up a report for the court stating what they believe would be best for the children.
Depending on age, this person takes into consideration what the children want as well.
Also, get as much proof of the abuse as you can (because 'discipline ' with a belt is abuse, as far as both myself and the law are concerned). Call child protection services and let them know about what's going on.