I'm 39. For years I only wanted one. We went round in circles and decided we were happy as we were. I just couldn't face having another baby as I found it so hard the first time around (good baby but I had post partum mania) I don't know why, but in my heart I always thought another one might come along or I would suddenly feel at peace with my decision. I never have. I now find myself obsessing about having only one and how many children other people have, it goes around in my head all the time. My girl is nearly 8 & it would be hard to start again but I can't stop thinking about it. I'm not sure if I'm too old to be thinking about another & if the age gap would just be too big. My husband is 43 & says he is too old & does not want another. Im worried I will end up resenting him if we don't at least try & that I could regret it forever.
Regret having an only child...
Regret having an only child...
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Parenthood Guilt, Pregnancy, Kids
6 Replies
Many people do have children at your age. I'd just talk to your husband about what it means to you. See if he will come around. It is 100% a joint decision. If you go ahead (say stop taking the pill etc) without him being on board it could end your relationship. I've seen it happen! If he's not willing, don't be upset. You ARE lucky to have a child of your own. many can't. And I don't mean to take away from what you're feeling, but sometimes focusing on what you do have and being truly grateful, allows you to put your focus onto something else.
Honestly I only have one. I'd have loved more but life circumstances meant I had to choose not to go again. What ever decision you make sometimes you just have to remind yourself it was the best decision you could have made with the information you had at the time and make the most of it. Sure occasionally I think what if, but I don't allow those thoughts to consume me. It's ok to grieve what you don't have but its not ok to get stuck in the grieving.
This is just my perspective. Doesn't mean that's right for you or anyone else.
Not too old, plenty of women have done it. And the age gap is nothing. Take People with five kids, the age gap from the first to last would be quite large, it doesn't make you any less siblings. Actually they'll probably get on better, especially as adults because they were raised quite separately, no jealousy, fighting, shared friends, school groups, etc. But 8 years is close enough to go through adult life stages together.
Otherwise perhaps consider fostering or adopting, seeing as you both seem reluctant to go through baby years again.
I'm 38 with 1. An 18 year old. At various stages I considered another and I live with the guilt of having an only child and wondering if our lives would be better with more but you know what, we're mums. If it wasn't guilt over having one it would be guilt over having 5 I couldn't feed, or the guilt of not being able to breastfeed, or the guilt of not being able to afford all the gadgetry they wanted, or the guilt of having to work instead of being a SAHM, or the guilt of taking him to a birthday party where he caught the chicken pox, or the guilt of that day I yelled at him, or the guilt of .... you get the point? The thing is I knew I wanted no more but still to this day second guess my decision. Talk to your husband, 43 isn't biologically too old but he may not want to be raising teens when he's pushing retirement age.
Your husband has said no, the answer is no. Move on with life.
One of my friends is starting to think about having a first child and her partner is 40, I don't think your ever to old.
Maybe foster if you have a big heart and want to share it, there's lots of kiddies out there who need help xx