Hello Ladies,
I am not sure if this is the right place but ill take a shot in the dark.
Little bit of the history,
Some years ago (AGE 14 - 16) I was a Child Victim exposed to Child Grooming, Indecent Treatment of Children and Unlawful Carnal Knowledge resulting in Pregnancy. I gave birth to a healthy baby girl nearly 4 years ago. Since the birth of my LO the offender (36) was sent to a correctional centre for 18months and has since been deported to his country of origin. I am seeing a Psychologist and have been since mid 2012. Which hasn't really tackled any of my big problems yet.
I have a couple questions for anyone that has experienced something simular.
1. I trust my psychologist and we have good chats but I feel like I have gone off track to what I originally went there for. How do I bring up what I actually need help with? How do I start a conversation about my experiences, problems without looking/sounding like an idiot?
2. How do I stop myself from feeling so guilty about what happened? He and his wife message and still blame me "Playing the Victim" "It Takes 2 to Tango" etc
3. What will I tell my LO when she asks about her father?
4. Should I allow him to see photos of her or talk on the phone?
5. Should he be contributing towards the cost of raising her?
6. Should I consider his other 3 children my daughters sisters?
I guess that the wrap for now.
Thanks in advance x IM
5 Replies
I'm sorry that happened to you I'll go by your numbers
1. Write everything down you want to focus on with your psychologist. Take the notes with you to your next appointment and hand it to your psychologist. They won't think you are an idiot! They are probably hopping you start to bring these issues up.
2. He and his wife have no right to message you. Contact the police and cease contact with them 100%. Block there phone numbers from your phone. Block them from all social media. You will start to feel better, you owe them nothing.
3. I think this should be discussed with psychologist
4. No, your daughter is already a victim of this man and his family: there is no way in hell they get a photo of her or speak to her on the phone. No good can come out of that at all! Don't allow her to be his next victim or to be groomed by him!
5. Probably but I wouldn't take a single cent from him and since he is in another country collecting it would be near impossible. Also he would try and use payment against you.
6. I highly doubt it. His family is extremely toxic and having any contact with them is likely to do more harm than good.
Go ZERO contact with these people.
Fully agree with everything said - block and write down what you want to talk about with your psych and in NO WAY let your daughter have contact with them
Next time you go to your psychologist, start by saying, look I feel like we haven't really talked about the big issues, and I'm suffering thinking about them.
Thatll lead into talking about it and you can ask all of these questions.
Personally I'd cut contact, change number, having him and his wife messaging you nasty bullying doesn't sound like something you should have to deal with.
Jesus u poor thing, what a great job u r doing after all that. Cut all contact with this pedophile, he should not be able to have anything to do with u and your child. Do not feel guilty, what he did is terrible and against the law because u were not old enough to know what was going on. Get you psychologist to redirect the therapy and cut this criminal from your life forever. Don't let him ever have anything to do with your daughter and don't worry about the money, u are better off having nothing to do with him, what do u think he's going to tell your daughter if he sees her, he will fill her head with lies. You will meet a great guy one day who will become a father to her and better not to have complications of this guy in her life. He took your rights to a childhood away, he doesn't deserve any rights to your daughters childhood or upbringing xox
YOUR ARE NOT AT FAULT.
It took me years to get over my guilt that was in no way my fault. Although not raped, my abuser groomed me, and did many other unmentionables. I was a lucky one and spoke up before it got to the next stage.
My abuser then committed suicide. I lived in a very small town (population 400) I coped a lot of abuse and other allegations from his wife and teenage son.
1. - You need to let your psychologist know the direction you now want to go. For me, i went to counselling when it first happened and it did me no good. It's only now over 20 years later that I have finally confronted most of my demons. It's been a ride let me tell you. Be prepared for set backs. Ive been with my husband a lIong time, and I still have moments when I have to tell him to back of sexually.
2 - You are not playing the victim - you were a victim - now your a survivor. Cease all contact and get an order against them both if possible
3 - Age appropriate answers. That he wasn't very nice to you etc
4 - NO. I would absolutely not want my daughter anywhere near him. Seek court orders if possible / necessary. Where there any in place during his incarceration?
5 - Yes, technically. I'd call the appropriate governing agency and ask.
6 - Biologically they are. But no, you dont need to. Let her make that choice when she's old enough to understand. I think it would be opening a whole other can of worm getting involved with his other kids, but that's just my opinion.
Good luck I.M
If you want to chat, let Kristy or Kelly know and arrange contact. I'm more then happy to chat / message with you