I know many people have different judgments on my situation which makes me extremely uncomfortable to talk about it unless i can stay anonymous but i just want some advice from anyone who has experience with this stuff or has been in my situation..
I'm 16 and nearly 28 weeks pregnant. I was 7 weeks pregnant when i found out, i told the father (who i was previously dating, but broke up before i found out) and ever since then i have had nothing but trouble. I live in a small town, word gets around really fast, he made up and told all of his friends disgusting lies about me and i was getting abuse on facebook from people i don't even know for about a month and a half. Not only from other people, but from him as well, he would come to my house in the middle of the night and early hours of the morning and stand out the front and yell abuse and threats at me, one of which being "if you don't get rid of it you'd better watch out", this went on for about 2-3 months. I blocked his number and didn't hear from him for a few weeks and then he contacted me through his mums phone and said that we should talk about it. That did nothing and he was back to abusing me.
In the past two months i have unblocked his number as he was asking my friends to see my instagram which has all of my scan photos and bump photos on it, i thought maybe he has had a change of heart. He has since contacted me asking to leave the past in the past and that he wants to be apart of her life and help make decisions relating her wellbeing etc.
He has never ever paid a cent towards anything, never come to an appointment (i invited him to all scans and midwife appointments at the start of the pregnancy).
I just don't know what to do, i have an amazing partner who supports me and my daughter, and he comes to appointments and has stuck by me through everything for more then two months. I don't think it would be fair after everything my ex has done to me to let him into our lives when i know he won't even grow up and stick around when i have a partner willing to be her father figure and do everything he can to make us both safe and happy. The father is constantly breaking the law, going out taking drugs and drinks to get drunk practically every night of the week, he is by no means responsible and if he was to have my daughter overnight or without my supervision i would honestly fear for her safety.
My question is, should i allow the father to make decisions to do with her or has he taken advantage of his many chances? Also, to collect child support from him does his name have to be on the birth certificate? I don't want to sound greedy and only out there to take his money but i have had to work and pay for everything she needs myself even though i have not been fit for work the whole time i've been pregnant due to a heart problem.
Unsupportive and abusive baby dad (sorry it's so long)
Unsupportive and abusive baby dad (sorry it's so long)
Posted in:
Pregnancy
12 Replies
You can't shut him out. He could go to court and get what he wants, if the court thinks it in your daughters best interests. By the sounds of it he knows he's the dad so you should put him on the birth certificate. A court would order paternity test anyway. I would let him come over when she's born and get him to be hands on in front of you. With any luck it'll all be too much and he'll go back to how he was originally feeling. If not then maybe he has stepped up his game. If you're exclusively breast feeding he can't take her away from you when she's little. My advise is do what you can to stay away from court.
Also, set up some rules for the birth. If you don't want him in the room, your partner there only, when father can come in etc
I'm a bit confused about the time line. Personally I think you need to go and see your GP and ask to help organise some counselling. I am really worried for you and I think you need someone you can really trust to help you navigate the way forward. I think you are in a very vulnerable position and it concerns me that at 16 you have a new partner. You need someone looking out for you that doesn't have a horse in this race and a counsellor can do that impartially.
You should also organise some legal advice before you have the baby. I went and got legal advice from a free women's legal service. If you are in a rural area there are over the phone services.
You need to learn to use the systems. Although you can't just shut him out you can go to mediation and ask for supervised visits with his baby, that way you don't have to be there when he spends time with his child but you don't have to worry about him being alone.
Yes you can claim child support without him being on the birth certificate, BUT you need to understand what that means legally moving forward (and decide if that's in the best intersests of the child having 'unknown'), it could also mean court dates to get paternity tests etc if he isn't in birth certificate. So before making a decision get legal advice.
Here's the thing, he's the father, so he goes on the birth certificate and he has rights. Here's the other thing, he is abusive towards you. You protect yourself and you cut all contact with him. No he doesn't need to go to scans or anything. He deserves to know when his child is born (your choice is he's there, considering his abuse towards you I would say no contact, which means no exceptions.)
Let him go to meditation and get his visitation sorted out.
You worry about being the best mother you can and just sort yourself out. All the best. If you go to the doctor they can refer you to a psychologist, or go to a women's health Centre to chat with someone, they can be really helpful I think you need some info on your rights and also to fully understand what he's doing to you is abuse and what you should do about it going forward.
Your 16 with an abusive ex with a baby on the way and a new partner? So you have a new boyfriend. At 16 I had no idea what love was let alone real love. How old are these men? Yes I do think that is part of what should be spoken about. Yes your ex goes on the birth certificate, yes he has rights but from what your saying he'd only ever get supervised visits at a mediation centre. But that's also something you'd have to go through. You can also choose not to name anyone on the birth certificate and put it down as unknown and cut him out for good. But you cannot put someone else on the birth certificate.
I just need to say this.... You are 16 years love, 16 with a future, a whole life ahead of you. Men and relationships are not the be all and end all of life. You don't need a man to be happy or to be a parent. You don't need to jump from one relationship to another straight away. (I know many girls that change boyfriends like they change underware) Women can be happy on their own. Relationships take time to build and a new baby will put a strain on anyone's relationship even the strongest ones suffer from strain. Please think long and hard about the relationship you are in. Is it fair?,is it a partner ship?, does he compliment you? And I don't mean in the way where he says you are pretty or gorgeous I mean does he compliment you? (Do the two of you together compliment each other) Do the two of you work together to ensure that you both become the best possible people you can be. Is he working, is he willing to be a provider, does he know that this means you cannot party all the time/ you can't drink all the time/you can't take dugs the baby comes first always!! and that babies are extremely hard work (because they are) this will not be a walk in the park and I hope you have a really great positive support network because you will need it. Good Luck little mumma and I do wish you all the best.
Oh hun what a situation to be in, especially for someone so young. I think you are incredibly brave for going ahead with the pregnancy with all the issues you have in your life, in particular your heart condition. Firstly, his name doesn't have to be on the birth certificate.. However if it's not it can take a while to get child support. The child support agency will send him a statutory declaration asking him to acknowledge he is the father, if he doesn't do that they will get a court order for a DNA test. If he refuses the test twice he will be put on the certificate without his signature. While this is all going on you can apply for an exemption from chasing him with centrelink and you will receive full FTB payments until it's sorted. I recently had to go through all this myself, it was a head f**k. Once that's all done it is up to the child support agency to collect, if he's not working or telling them he's not their hands are tied. While you get 0 child support you will get the maximum FTB payment (if/when you go back to work that will change as will your parenting payment).
As for him seeing your little girl, seek mediation. If you know he's been taking drugs request drug testing. If he doesn't show for mediation go to court seeking 100% custody.
For your sake I hope he either makes a real effort or just stays away completely
I sincerely hope your new partner realises that it's a big responsibility to raise another man's child.
All the best for the rest of your pregnancy and enjoy your baby girl :)
In the eyes of the law your ex has as much right as you do to spend time with ur daughter and make decisions. You do not have to put him on the birth certificate however if you claim centrelink and chikd support they can make him have a paternity test and put him on. Also think about your daughter in the future. She deserves to know who het father is. Being that you are 16, and the way that things happened when you split i am guessin thr father is young to? He could grow up and step up. You never know.
The fact that he is asking to be involved is a good sign. My sons father hasnt seen him for over a year. He has no interest what so ever. I would let him visit BUT only at your olace with your parents there. And he can get to know bub and learn to be a dad with you. The baby will be far too young to go on its own without you anyway for awhile. Especially if breastfed! I think you should speak to a counsellor and/or social worker. As you need to think what is best for your baby. Not about your own feelings. That is the biggest thing i have had to struggle with.
Also if you try to not let him have visits etc he could take you to court. They make you attempt mediation first then if u cant come to an agreement you see the judge.. You would have to prove he is abusive to get supervised visits. The courts usually decide whats best fo the children which is to know both parents so he could end up getting unsupervised visits and more time then you would like. It is best to try come to an agreement between the two of you because if it goes to court yiu could end up upset.
Seek legal advice from legal aid. It is free.
What a mess! What a big fat mess :-/ This is what happens when silly young ppl screw around, & are not committed & conscientious, & now a baby is on the way to be stuffed up by the mum & the bio dad & the soon to be many exes etc etc ... Wow I feel sorry for the bub, & it's a shame that society just continues on down this path with so many irresponsible parents not doing a good job with their own teens in the first place, to then repeat the cycle of young parents with messed up lives & relationships & more kids with screwed up lives & values & morals.
Be careful not to fall victim to a 'partner' who is too good to be true... too often children are hurt by step dads who appear to so generously take on other mens children 'as their own'. Im not saying dont be with your partner, just be aware of the risks and if possible don't leave child alone with partner. Its okay to be a single mum too, you will be able to access mountains of support services.... you dont 'need' a man.
Write everything in a diary. Children have a right to a relationship with both parents BUT it is on the proviso that it is safe to do so. You need a record of evidence. Even if you don't put his name on the birth certificate, he can request a DNA test. Like someone on FB said, get in to see a social worker, or look at the DVO hotline as an option. Be aware that it can take at least 12 months for someone's true colours to show, so don't put too much responsibility on your new partner's shoulders and don't rely on him too much. It is often the case that we girls pick the same type of guy over and over again. We need to 'fix our pickers'. As a parent of 3 teens, I'm wondering where your parents are in this situation and if they are in a position to shield you and support you?
Write everything in a diary. Children have a right to a relationship with both parents BUT it is on the proviso that it is safe to do so. You need a record of evidence. Even if you don't put his name on the birth certificate, he can request a DNA test. Like someone on FB said, get in to see a social worker, or look at the DVO hotline as an option. Be aware that it can take at least 12 months for someone's true colours to show, so don't put too much responsibility on your new partner's shoulders and don't rely on him too much. It is often the case that we girls pick the same type of guy over and over again. We need to 'fix our pickers'. As a parent of 3 teens, I'm wondering where your parents are in this situation and if they are in a position to shield you and support you?