Hi ladies... Please bare with me while I try to explain my situation. I met my husband about 18 months ago... Well started dating. Our kids go to the sane school and we knew each other prior to this. Well we got married a year ago and I'm head over heels in love... There's just one problem. I have two girls from a previous relationship and so does he. We both have full custody of our children. His go for access visits with the mum and my girls dad walked away 7 years ago. We also have a bub together. So here's the problem. One of his daughters (10) is out of control. She swears at me, treats me like absolute shit. She is nasty when he dad isn't around. She steals money, food and anything else from her sister my girls and us. She goes to school telling them we don't feed her (we obviously do, in all honesty she eats the most out of the 4 girls). She tells her mother her father's pins her down while I bash her (never happened) and she makes up straight up lies about anyone to anyone who will listen. She told my husband 3 years ago her brother raped her so hubby took the mum to court and although it was proven she lied, the mother was still deemed unfit to have the return to her due to other reasons. We've taken her to see specialist and everything and they have nothing for us. It's apparently in our mind. She is a manipulative lying thief and I honestly just don't like the kid anymore. She does anything possible to cause trouble with hubby and I even makes up lies that I punch her in the face when he is at work. She has told people at school she wants our baby dead and hopes she doesn't live. Yet nothing is wrong with her? The other daughter is amazing. Fits in well, doesn't cause trouble and keeps the peace. Just a straight up awesome kid. She too is 10. (Twins). She is currently on an access Xmas visit with her mother ( due to medical reasons twin a can't travel so she stayed with us) and honestly I don't want her to come home. My anxiety level is through the roof. I don't want the fighting between hubby and I to start, I don't want the lies and phone calls from the school again. I don't want any of it. If she isn't here we all get along really well. All girls have told dad and I they don't want her to come home. I'm scared... The sane rutt is coming and I don't want it too. Mum encourage's it and thinks its all a big joke. She wants her to go live with her so she can have another source of income because he other son just turned 16 so she gets nothing anymore. This is totally unfair on both the child and us for the mum to put shit into her head.
In ways I feel sorry for her but in other ways (since we have her full time) the couple of weeks all up access shouldn't really affect how she acts with us. It's like she is jealous... Of what I don't know.
Please someone help me. I feel like I could break down any day leading up to her return home. A part of me does love her but a part of me just can't cope with all the crap she has put us through.
14 Replies
Oh I'm sorry but you married within six months and now have her sister and you and your kids telling her dad nobody wants her there?
As far as I can see that's her family and if you can't stand it YOU leave. She sounds all kinds of messed up, but you don't ever expect her family to turn their back on her, she probably need her father more than ever.
I'd get her and her father into counseling first. There's been a lot of changes happening very fast and it seems to me like she's going to be the casualty.
I agree, you rushed this all. This girl is only the symptom of taking things far too fast. She has had no time to adjust to a hell of a lot of changes in her life. She is just the one that's screaming out WTF were you thinking?
So even prior to us meeting this was happening... What was the excuse then? How fast it happened shouldn't matter. It's love. You don't take chances with it.
Doesn't really matter how fast we married does it? See its people like you who give people like her an excuse to make up lies about people. We tried everything. She is just a nasty little person. She doesn't know that's how we feel because she isn't here. Her brother (not to my husband on the mothers side) is exactly the same. But its our fault? Quite frankly the change isn't what affected her... What affected her was she couldn't lie to her father anymore and get her own way because I would point it out and now she doesn't like it. There is not excuse for any of her behaviour
Wow! Those comments are a bit harsh.. She never said she and everyone else has told the child that's she's not wanted..
As for rushing things, if your in love, why wait?
As for your step daughter, I'd be taking her to a different peadiatritian and getting her assessed. Was her behaviour The same when her parents were together, or start when you married her dad?
Thank you. How fast we married isn't an issue and shouldn't be an issue. I've been more of a mmother to her than her own mother has ever been. She has been like this since before we met. She even makes up lies about her mother and grandparents. I don't know what else to do. We've tried everything. 3 different pediatrician's. Nothing's helping.
This isn't a normal behaviour for any child let alone a 10 year old! I really do feel for you. I'm a step mum myself and when I first met my husband my stepson wasn't very easy to deal with. His mum also made life every hard and my then 6 year old stepson was very stand offish and would act out and tell lies about his mum to us to get more attention.
I am a very affectionate mum and decided to use that approach on him to show him that I was there to love and care for him, not to make is life hard. He took a while but he is my pride and joy now (he is now 13) and I couldn't live a day without having him. I'm sure you have tried this and every child is very different, especially when they are so smart in all the wrong ways! You have a very intelligent young girl on your hands there, but always remember that you are smarter in all the right ways! Just you and her should go out for a movie and an ice cream when she gets back, as much as hanging out with her is more than likely the last thing on your mind! Be extra excited to see her when she walks through the door, and pretend what she is doing doesn't bother you.
I hope some of these things help you.xxxx
My nieces are compulsive liars. Unfortunately they are just like their father (my sisters ex). Personality traits are genetic. If she genuinely has no medical issues..it's likely she has just inherited (through nature or nurture) her Mother's/other family members personality. My nieces are 'hard to like', so I do get what you mean. They lie to get what they want. They lie to get out of trouble. They'll throw anyone under a bus to get out of something. Even watching their baby sister get punished for something one of them did. They steal money. Steal chocolates and take them to school. They're very rude and cheeky. They are their father. BUT, they are only little girls. 7 & 9. They do have some good points. They do have feelings. And they are still naive of the damage their/behaviour lies do. So i believe, unlike an adult, they deserve some understanding and forgiveness. Hopefully when they grow up, they'll learn the error of their ways. My sister complains but never does anything. I would recommend the school guidance councilor and usually they can put you in touch with other councilors or psychiatrists. Try to see the world through her eyes. You and your kids have been forced into her world very quickly. Everyone deals with things differently. Good luck.
Oh wow you poor thing!!! She sounds like a massive bag of sunshine and lollipops. She sounds like a master manipulator which is very worrying for a 10 year old! You definitely need a second opinion with her, and I would even go as far as to write everything down that she dose or even record it if you can!!! I wish you all the luck in the world, and as for the first comment you are nasty and maybe read the post properly before commenting!!!
OK so here's this... I've tried... For 5 years we were friends... I've done more for her than her own mother. We have been dating for 18 months. We have tried many things and unless she is getting her own way nothing works. Hence why I'm at my wits end. I understand she is a child... But when she tells you to "go f##k yourself" or tells you "dad should have f##ked you in the ass so you didn't have a baby" these are NOT children things. She is a manipulator. She is hard work. I've done it for this long and I wasn't trying to get rid of her I was asking advice on how I should go about it from here. 3 different doctors to different specialist and everything it's not as if I haven't tried. Because I have. My anxiety is through the roof and I wanted advice on how to deal with it. No I don't want her to come back but she is either way... And while the mother is off with one of her boyfriends 6 hours away and dads at work who's home with her? Me... Not anyone else. When she is upset or hurt or just needing a hug... Who's there for her? Me... So don't abuse me for not trying because I sure as hell am.
I wrote above about my nieces. Your husband definitely needs to be more proactive with this. Have you told him about the mental state you're in? Without using hateful words towards her... just describing how you're feeling at the moment? Pediatricians are DEFINITELY not councilors. She sounds like she needs a psychiatrist/therapy rather than a ped.
In order to see anyone everyone has to get a referral from one. I've tried talking to him and this is where he gets selfish... He is at work and claims he can't do anything. He also wants us to do more "bonding" but no matter how much one on one I do it only gets worse. I'm at my wits end. It really is hard that both the parents expect me to fix the problem yet don't partake in any of it. The mother is most definitely the cause of the issues and yet no matter what the father says nothing changes. It's hard. It's a struggle. No one wants to help. I've told him how I feel just not to the extent it's at now.
Wow...I hear you loud and clear only in my situation it's my biological son and he's now 21 - my husband has been the one drawn into the drama and lies (along with other family members) for 10+ years whilst I've struggled to maintain equilibrium for myself, marriage and our three children....at one stage I had to make a choice to not have a relationship with my son as he endangered the lives of the younger siblings - it's not easy and unless someone has had to live through it one can only surmise thoughts, feelings and actions....I do agree with suggestions of referrals to psychiatrist or behavioural paediatrician (yes they do exist)....now living with the after-effects of PTSD it still creates chaos within the dynamic...there are days where I just want to walk away conceding defeat (I won't give him the satisfaction) due to the sense of entitlement and narcissistic attitudes he grew up with living with his biological donor (I will never call him a father)....you will need support to continue to draw clear and consistent boundaries....best of luck x
Its time for you to step back you need to see someone. Go to your gp get a mental health plan for you. If hubby is at work and "cant do anything" well sorry thats piss poor. Time for you and your girls to get the help you need. If you cant help the child help yourselves. Put your foot down. You may love this man but you need to love yourself and your children more. Put yourselves first. Go away for a weekend with your kids let hubby deal with her. Talk to a social worker about your step daughter. It has been proven the child lied about rape and yet no one will help? I agree with other posters she needs psychiatric help and hubby needs to do something about it. Yes you have done a great thing doing so much for her but just from your post hubby needs to take responsibility you cant live like this cuz he will loose you.