I posted awhile ago about my narcissistic friend and her break up and the help I could offer her . Long story short she's still there no surprises which is fine it's her choice and I know to be there for her.etc
My problem is how do you get through the fact you literally cannot stand that person. He's actually tried intimidating me which didn't work and I told him where to go . He's abused me verbally as well and I didn't take it and you know how well that goes with a narcissist...? I can't tell her not to put up with it but I sure as hell won't put up with it and I told him point blank I wouldn't . I can see him posting a wedge between us as he's tried before as she won't talk to me at all if he's there at all even if it's about borrowing milk . Because he cracks it at her if she doesn't give 100 % attention to him.
This includes their 3 kids which suffer from them getting not a lot of her attention when he's there too because she focuses only on making him happy.
She will only contact me to talk when he's not there and when I don't answer her back (my hubby isn't at all like this and doesn't mind me talking to anyone anytime) because I'm spending time with my family or just busy she cracks it at me and this pisses me off hugely as its not often I don't answe. She is very blunt with me with her opinion on life but when I say things to her in the same way she doesn't like it and gets pissed at me . She can get rather selfish and judgemental sometimes and always tries to compete with my relationship with my hubby which I don't understand as mine isn't perfect and after the last blow up she apologised to everyone else she and her partner involved in a stupid argument bar me who actually got abused I don't think I can deal with it . And it worries me as I can see him physically hurting her next.
I guess my question is how do you retain this friendship or do you just give up ? I respect her choices but I won't be near him again he's a shitty piece of work and I'm tired of being hurt or sometimes even blamed for issues in their life because she can't or won't leave him and I can't watch her go back time after time. This has been 7 years of it now and I don't think I can do it any more.
My hubby said to just pull back and let it go and eventually she will realise or she won't but that it's not something I should worry over anymore. He is is ok that I don't want to be near him as frankly he doesn't want to be either as he had to have my back and go back at this guy who is his friend as well. She's like a sister to me and it hurts but I think he's right but I still worry over her well being and am afraid if I don't be there then she won't have anyone. And those kids will suffer growing up with him as a role model in their life :-(
Please no nasty or bitchy comments I just am after constructive nice advise please X TIA
4 Replies
You walk away and save your own sanity. Honestly you just can't keep doing it. And staying involved is kind of enabling her.
You can care about someone very deeply, but recognise you can't save them. They are the grown up and you can't fight for them harder than they fight for thenselves. You can still care about them, and hope they change there lives, but you don't have to be involved in there life.
I have a high school friend who I had to walk away from about 5 years ago. He was an addict and a victim of sexual abuse as a young teen. I tried so hard to get him help and we would get him in somewhere and check himself out hours after being checked in. The last straw for me was him calling me after he'd taken an overdose and crashed his car into a light post. I could no longer sit by and watch him destroy his life and potentially take out innocent lives in the process.
I get updated on his progress or lack there of from various people. I still wish that he would get help. I do expect to hear that he dies at some point. If he actually gets the help I would be his biggest cheer squad.
But I won't enable, hold his hand, listen to him tell me how shit his life is anymore when he isn't prepared to change it.
I hope that rant helped in some way.,
I was your friend a few years ago. My ex had verbally abused my friends, threatened them, and wouldn't allow me to talk to some of them. They all left basically and at the time I felt so isolated but understand now. After ending it they all came back and supported me. There isnt much you can say or do to get her to see the light, she has to do that herself. I missed my friends a lot but they had to save their own sanity and it wasn't fair for them to be stuck with a shitty friend due to a controlling partner. I would cut the friendship, if she leaves you be there for her but right now you have to save your own sanity. I was always so embarrassed I stayed with my ex for so long, I was embarrassed that I didn't listen to my friends warnings and now I don't tell them the things he put me through, I wouldn't doubt if she was the same with you and things are worse already for her.
That is amazing advice and I think I'll take it thankyou so much . I am being an enabler and I can see it now and I will just quietly pull away and be there for if she ever gets the balls to leave. I'm def understanding of her situation but I won't sit back and wait and watch. He's an ass and even his best mates can see it , his family excuses it , hers hide their heads in the sand and have no balls to stand up either . I'm literally the only one to do it. She's already lost friends at his request. I need my sanity for my life with my husband and kids . Thankyou so much X
I am in a relationship with a narcissistic man n have for nearly 5 years now. So coming from the friends side of view please be there for her when she finally decides she's had enough of his crap. Just sit back on the sideline cause one day she will come to u. My friends never come to visit cause they don't like him but always tell me they will always be there for me. I have only just got the courage to leave and in the process of leaving next week and my friends are right there by my side helping me leave. So please don't walk away